Fragile

Thank you for your beautiful supportive intelligent post. @Dimity Yes, kids can pick up on social hierarchies pretty young.

I am just grateful that you have an idea what I am talking about when I mention books or music, because most of my life it was been hard to find even those kinds of conversation. I have just a few stored in my mind. I became really isolated. I abhor the use of music as social pretension, but sadly it has been a flaw in music and culture a lot of the time. Including the endless brilliance or prodigy conversations. weary sigh. Hope my sharing of the Purcell didnt overly trigger you. I just bought the sheet music for trio and piano a couple of years ago. Its still my mild vice buying music and books. But I rarely spend more than $100 pa, often much less, if zero dollars.

The so called MH services tend to dismiss music as a quirk in my son and are mainly interested in pathologising him and not give his culture much credit. Music is what he picked up from my attempts at providing goodness and quality demonstrating love. He could have gone the sciencey side or the practical side. He has done a little of the sporty stuff, but mainly settled on gymn and hiking. I am hoping he does more hiking. I really tried to offer all 3 children a broad range of activities and positive experiences.

Yesterday he did invite my nephew to do Shakespeare readings, when he was visiting, which was good.

I am really not doing well, so I think it is more likely to be crawling and grovelling through Christmas.

I am so triggered by the all the recontacting, of the nieces and nephews, even though they are not doing the wrong thing. It brings up the traumas of the 2 brothers' deaths and I have to say, all the memories of my 3 sisters in law, their mothers, bullying styles. Yes, I gave them all excuses for their pain and suffering, but they dont seem to have the capacity to respect it. As I said to my son, this morning. My half Chinese nephew was robbed of his relationship with my son and I, over the last 20 years. Maybe they can make it up. I pray they can. He did have the perspicacity to admit that often migrants presume all Australians had it easy. It shouldnt have been his realisation. It should have been his mother's responsibility to be GRATEFUL and for her to apologise. And maybe if she wasnt so bullheaded, the marriage may have worked, and we could all have lived happily ever after. Just too many brick walls put up. That nephew got a grand piano that he doesnt play. Yep I hate music for show. Honestly, I have seen how people love to pathologise others, both in and out of the services, and fail to look inside their own hearts and minds and soul.

Anyway, I am feeling pretty mad, bitter and twisted, but always apparently too sane to be locked up. Too many jumbled emotions, too many jumbled cultures and people and life stories.

I will try gardening and go back to playing that Purcell and my Bach, Neri, Vivaldi, Church Carols, and some Swedish jazz dude, that I am playing atm.

Honestly, I needed all my books to find the words that made any sense of my life, and the music to connect to the feelings. That is apparently the best outcome for some as CALD as I. Yes, and we shouldnt always have to do the cultural cringe, which is something I learned about Australian culture whilst doing a music pedagogy training....

I was just a disabled private piano teacher, who had the dignity of crawling to her chair in her loungeroom, sitting up, and not having to drive to work anymore, from 1990.

@AuntGlow @AlwaysMyself @AuntGlow

tbh @AuntGlow @Dimity I am so distressed by social music snobbery in current time, that I would cite it for the coroner, as a contributory factor if I did decide to do it. It is also contributing to my dis-ease in present time, that I have to put up with it, woven into gaslighting, sniping, and little digs and verbal bulldozing, in a few places. People in classical music scenes have such high opinions of their own morals, and confuse it with status and cutesy power games, I do feel disgusted. For the record, it has also hurt my son, but in a different way. It does not give me a reason to live or keep associating with those people who do it. But we are seemingly locked into it as our main cultural expression. For some reason I cant book a required flight, now that my trusty old train trip has been denied me.

@AuntGlow I have stated to both my psychologist and support worker about my intention to write next year, but I if I feel it would make a difference I may devote a book, to discussing the issues in the mental health system, with many anecdotes of abuse and incompetence, and taking advantage of patient trust and goodwill, including some scamming. One of my old doctors from 1980s, had an enquiry about Medicare fraud. I got a lot of stories. I wearily pick myself up and trundle along...

I even had hope in the 90s that the deinstitutionalization and CAT approach could work, but it was taken over by greedy hospital managers, bottom line reduced effective services, and morphed into this current utterly ridiculous and totally unfit for purpose. I didnt need to see some of the BS and abuse I have witnessed.

CRISIS lines and ED .,..

kneejerk reaction ... or obsessive tic ...

I am sick of hearing "we arent equipped for crisis". Well try being me with 3 little children and 3 dying siblings, and lots of overpaid idiots doing lip service.

the main people who have benefitted from deinstitutionalization and Cat team approaches are hospital managers and hospital coffers ... SANE please take serious other offline approaches. The medicalisation of mental health is not the answer. Advocate for in person and Safe haven style ...

Believe me I am very very tired of carrying the burden of staying alive and being ethical. I would like to release that burden,

Sorry not well

Sorry not able to do more for the next generation. On most levels, it should have been enough, but too many high expectations about how people should be treated have nullified my life labour. It must all be my fault.

@Appleblossom I've been out this afternoon and haven't digested and reflected enough to reply properly but YOU and Classical Music 100% deserve love and respect even when sullied by silly and pretentious people .

I came home to a baby currawong on the fence - grating calls - followed later by melody from an adult. Day before yesterday looked up at soft chortles and warbles to see a huddle of 3 magpies with the baby being preened in the middle. Deo gratias for the creation of the syrinx.

I'll reply properly later.

I came home to a baby currawong on the fence - grating calls - followed later by melody from an adult. Day before yesterday looked up at soft chortles and warbles to see a huddle of 3 magpies with the baby being preened in the middle. Deo gratias for the creation of the syrinx.

this is a beautiful reply @Dimity thank you for checking in, and trying to do diligence to the complexity.

@Appleblossom I can't comment much on the music, as I do not know much about music (especially classical, orchestral, choirs, operas, etc). Although I did learn to play The Blue Danube, Chariots of Fire, and The Four Seasons - Spring on the flute in school Years 6-8 when I was in a flute choir (compulsory for those with lessons at the school; I liked learning to play but did not like trying to play in a choir or to perform). I think out of all the songs we played those 3 are the ones I remember because I actually liked playing them and the sound of them. I can still recognise the tune when I hear it on TV shows and people are surprised I know them because I do not usually know any classical or mainstream music 🤣.

Have you been to Vienna? I felt that half of the tourist things in Vienna were related to the various composers. 😊 If you haven't been, I wish I could teleport you there for a week to explore; I think you would enjoy it (assuming the museums are not pretentious, I didn't visit them so I don't know. But being mainstream tourism i don't think they would be!).

I can understand why people's ignorance of your (and other Australians') struggles evokes a lot of emotion when they act and speak like you have had it easy just because you were born here.

Can I ask what you cultural & linguistic background(s) are? 😊 I ask out of genuine interest. And if you would like to elaborate into how these cultures play out for you in your life and what you value most about them personally, I would love to learn that also. 😊

I am Australian for a number of generations. One side had some Scottish origins. Another side can be traced back to early pioneers who came over from England - sadly not all treated the indigenous fairly in their so-called "trades" for land which from what I understand / have been told was not a concept the indigenous peoples had at the time, the "ownership" of land. I don't know much about my family history, but my mum looked into it which is why I know a little about the early pioneers on one side of her family tree.

Just read your newer post after typing my post @Appleblossom . Sending extra hugs today, full of care for you. I know those thoughts can be hard to keep pushing aside. You have a lot of value to give to life and people around you (and online). You also have a lot of beauty through music and books to absorb into your heart and mind. 🤗

@Appleblossom I might need to spread my replies over 2 posts.

Yes... books for words, music for feelings... but I'm also grateful for exposure to awesome nature through ocean coast and bushy hinterland where I learned to botanise.

Your son's immersion in what you could offer no doubt immeasurably increases his quality of life, and hopefully protects somewhat against the pathologising. Hiking would be another level... especially with experienced and compassionate fellow bushwalkers.

I can understand how the otherwise welcome interactions with your nephews leads to so much trauma resurfacing for you. Is one of your mh team able to help you with this in a timely way? I've been told tapping and other bilateral stimulation help us process when these things come up, but I'm not sure how transient and superficial such approaches would seem to you... (perhaps I'm expressing my own doubts).

I can hear your distress... you feel mad bitter and twisted... the bar for involuntary admission is set very high and I scored that prize only with my first hospitalisation, the rest were expensive (insured) private hospital stays when I was incapacitated by psychosis and/or depression. The most recent, the first in over 20 years was a bridge from a long public hospital stay with a mix of post-surgery difficulties, severe bruising from a fall and psychosis. I wasn't functioning.

It sounds as though you might need a break for respite as much as anything else. I hope you can sort out travel to your interstate music festival, which might give you that break and a change of scene, and change of focus.

Your dignity is unquestionable and I suspect you might have much more respect for your church and musical leadership than you realise.

I'll check your follow-up message to see if there's more I'd like to say.

@Appleblossom I think I'd already remarked on the silliness and pretensions of some classical music snobs. In my pre-retirement life I encountered someone who deplored anything other than his self-defined "high art" in music. I don't know how you can shield yourself from such people but I can assure you there's also many wise and tender-hearted musos with eclectic interests - if I had to name one in the public sphere I'd say Yo-yo Ma is the first to come to mind but there are, and have been many.

Writing may well be an outlet and a public good but i think you'd need to pace yourself and have ongoing responsive support.

I hear you about the disappointments of the 80s and 90s with changes in provision of mental health services but you and I know they were also dire within the red brick walls previously. Perhaps the cracks and deficits have become more visible, more openly displayed in the streets and EDs and among the overwrought families and carers observing the struggles of loved ones.

SANE forums provide glimmers in allowing some self-expression but recent overemphasis on recovery to the extent of challenging distressed people to spell out what support they need in order to participate could dissuade people from potential longerterm learning and self development.

We're complicated critters, with a complex admixture of bitter life experiences, but many of us are well-intentioned and ready to lend a hand as and when we can. I have a tendency to put my foot in it, as some past and present forumites can attest, but I send you love @Appleblossom and I trust, hope and pray things come to feel easier for you. I know you're modelling resilience and cultural literacy for your son but heck please accept some good wishes just for you.

Hi @Dimity, @Appleblossom

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Thank you @holdinghope5 I am feeling constrained by all the media, not the forum particularly.

I love that you @Dimity write..."I'm also grateful for exposure to awesome nature through ocean coast and bushy hinterland where I learned to botanise. " I need to use that last word more.

Thank you for saying:

"Writing may well be an outlet and a public good but i think you'd need to pace yourself and have ongoing responsive support." Yes I agree. I am not seemingly able to shake off the trauma feelings for quite some time. I just keep getting retriggered. Maybe its some magical beautiful final integration of my shadow side and I will emerge more healed. I dont know. I might follow the mindful gardener ... youtube ... In that if we cant avoid it, we cant deny it.... to lean into the discomfort.

Agreeing with you also, about some good hearted musicians and what went on behind those red brick walls.

I think we both have a sense of the good work that Sane is doing, and the idea of recovery is lovely, but overly scripted responses and conversations are probably coercive and not true to the spirit of the therapeutic project.

I am feeling grateful, to be seen and heard.