Fragile

Hello lovely! How are you today? @Appleblossom

It really would have been hard to show up as the best mum you could be whilst being poorly treated... you didn't deserve this at all. 💛

Given what you just shared with me, it makes sense why you might naturally fall into a pattern of suppressing your emotional needs, and instead, tend to others.

It's amazing that you are working towards shifting into a space of allowing others to be there for you. What has that looked like this week?

And oof, I get this. It's so vulnerable trying to navigate that space of sharing, whilst also protecting ourselves. Fawning is exhausting as well... and you deserve to take up space, to be heard and seen, accepted and loved.

What might help with your distress levels when you're around the psychiatrist?

Gosh, both your son's court hearing and the performance in one week would be a lot for your nervous system to handle...

What is one thing you could do to make it easier to manage? For example, are there any boundaries you can set/things you can cancel to make more room for you?

That's pretty impressive work, my friend. How often do you facilitate the Zoom groups? 🤩

Angels by Mary Oliver

You might see an angel anytime and anywhere.

Of course, you have to open your eyes to a kind of

second level, but it’s not really hard.

The whole business of what’s reality and what isn’t has never been solved and probably never will be.

So I don’t care to be too definite about anything.

I have a lot of edges called Perhaps and almost nothing you can call Certainty.

For myself, but not for other people.

That’s a place you just can’t get into, not entirely anyway, other people’s heads.

I’ll just leave you with this.

I don’t care how many angels can dance on the head of a pin.

It’s enough to know that for some people they exist, and that they dance.

From ~Blue Horses

...Thought you might like this @Appleblossom

@Appleblossom How are you lovely? How’s your day going?

No I can’t access social worker or psychologist or psychiatrist through ndis. They cut all my mental health support last plan.

I’ve tried to find a bulk billing psychiatrist and there’s none.

Maybe it is something SANE could do to try advocate as an organisation. Something could be suggested as it’s awful not having that access.

@Dimity love your input

"Perhaps and almost nothing you can call Certainty.

I agree, which is why I am having a gentle little pushback on all the 100%s littering the modern world.

also ... keeping an eye open for beauty and goodness

yes ... lol ...That is one thing I dont care about... re numbers of angels dancing on a pin ... these ays peep often presume to have more certainty and do a lot of unnecessary quantification... possilby due to the rise of digitisation and the internet.... I saw it happening at first with digital clocks... which is why I went out bought an analogue clock, so my kids could see the cyclical nature of time. I guess we who actually, did lots of numbers back in the day ... have those instincts...lol

Yes , I am glad for moments where I glimpse a sense of heaven ... though I feel I could idealise humans more when I was isolated and living in hope ... than now, when I am actually dealing with them ... anyway ... one of my fundamental outlooks ... see the good in others...just trying not to get too bruised...

@Cuddlebear I am shocked that you cant get access. It seems very unfair.

Yes, it is the reason I mentioned it. I think it could be a big issue that SANE could develop advocacy and policy for.

All I can do atm is send pics and Hugs

which little old laydee do you like? lol

@AuntGlow

re zoom facilitation ... it used to be fortightly for a few years but now it is for a slightly different mental health related purpose and monthly.

re: current steps, I meditate, pray, walk, eat healthy and do physio exercises and lots of music and mindfulness. I have lived this way for 45 years. Nothing new. I have reduced some expectations for next couple weeks and tried to be clear about others.

I had an extra psychology session this week. Current one is new and seems worth her salt. She actually remembers a detail here and there and feeds it back to me, indicating respect and comprehension and respect for my family. I actually made it clear, in the beginning blaming my biological family without understanding their circumstances was definitely unhelpful to me.

However I looked back over my emails and saw an old draft to an old psychologist. Who was very bolshie and loved boasting about being a bikie and boasting about her masters students and challenging me and didnt seem to get at all how vulnerable or extreme the current situation was. Pushing me and wasting my session times repeating the same boasts and being impatient. SO not doing a very good job but still getting paid. So now I am trying to make up for time with the new one, which is difficult because the complexity is serious and if they do not listen properly they are the ones who get muddled up and make mistakes, that can be tragic in my situation, not so much for me, cos I am weird in my coping skills, but I see what happened because of problematic so called expertise ... to my father, my brother, my sister and my son. Hmmm. SO anyway, there are lots of service mistakes failure leading to the current situation. I still try and be respectful, have goodwill and be compliant but I am not as inexperienced as I was. Hmmm. So I also support many of the less popular members on Sane who have struggled greatly with the services, and maybe get overlooked.

@AlwaysMyself Hugs Bella

We are enjoying the apricots today, that were also on special ... but supposedly not quite so old ..lol ... they are actually just right and ripe!

@Dimity Hmmm. I am glad your current psych bulk bills. Guess he is trying to make up for questionable one.

I had a psychiatrist in the early 1980s who was apparently in trouble for charging for single individual medicare sessions when we were all doing groups and he wasnt even showing up ... maybe once every 6 weeks. Yes, my sister and I spent a lot of money on our mental health, (I paid top dollar for other aspects of this fellows new service). About 10 years later our family therapist told me about it. It is another case of where, I obliged others to fit in and not rock any boats.

From what I can see, there is a lot of immature doctor competition among the specialities. Some are more fashionable and lucrative, then the others feel hard done by, and hike up their fees.

Anyway, such is life

trying to find glimmers

Freesias

"...I feel I could idealise humans more when I was isolated and living in hope ... than now, when I am actually dealing with them ..."

Yes I try @Appleblossom but I guess I'm coming from that position of scarcity then there's the letdown and disappointment.

Your story reminds me of my attempt at group therapy many years ago. I embarked on it having been sold on the model of 2 joint therapists then as soon as I committed, before starting, one withdrew to travel overseas - they must have known it was coming. The therapy was expensive and demanding and I'd made it clear I was only able to commit for a limited period due to work obligations (I was given special dispensation to attend). The guilt load put on me when my time was up was awful - I was told it compromised the whole group. I think all I gained from it all was a profound realisation and confirmation of how despicable I was.

I'm making an effort in attending the social support groups I was referred to. In fact there's little social interaction there. But they're my only outlet at present, and my only opportunity to practice conversation. I'd hoped they might give me confidence to venture elsewhere.

My family situation is tricky and confrontation is looming, having been inevitable. The chance of using family therapy as a vehicle for mediation is very unlikely, and legalities have to be considered. I'm out of my depth.

Enough of me.

The CAC meditations last week were on gratitude even in dire straits.

I trust you continue to see the glimmers in your music and family life. And that your son is receptive to your support and counsel. Your steadfastness is... I don't know... inspiring, illuminating, an invitation to others to rally with you.

Grateful for some good music and talks tonight, with my son.

@Dimitygently walking with you

Hiya @Appleblossom and all who pass this way …..

It has been another very difficult year. Thank you so much for persisting in tagging me. It means a lot. I am on the forums infrequently at the moment - juggling really hard, and currently unwell - but I hope to remedy that in the new year.

Blessings …… 💖🌸🍎💕