Fragile

I used humour for decades as a defence mechanism @Appleblossom to stop people from asking too many questions when I was still keeping the CSA secret. Also because I wanted to be able to get along with people and didn't want to seem like a weird person I felt I was

@Till23 @It does help to reflect on our personality. See our various inclinations in perspective and find some balance. I guess that is one of the good things about getting older.

yep the sad clown is not unusual.

coping mechanisms and defences have their purpose. It got us through. My support worker also cried today. She knows my son pretty well and is both sad and angry about our current situation.

The other family of my grandson have written the most ridiculous stuff about me, and denied my work and education and voluntary contributions to society, but have shamed me greatly around religion and disability and gradually gaslighted us. All the while the mother was carrying on like a pork chop and we were being kind and supportive. They have no idea about reciprocity. At least I have taken my rose coloured glasses off now and can see them.

Hey @Appleblossom, thinking of you 💜

You have lived a life with a wealth of experience @Appleblossom , I've had a life surviving very harmful experiences (the harm being done to me), music and exercise have been my escape route and have helped me thrive, people mostly have been the ones doing the harm most of the time, and only in recent years have been helping me survive, and even thrive.

My therapist is trying to get me to find things to be grateful for in other people. She says that, yes people do fail even to live upto their own values, but if you find things to be grateful for in others, it takes pressure off you to feel you have to be all your support network all the time, even when it's only for a little while.

I got sexually harrassed in December last year, and for a few weeks that put me right back in the trauma, until I found a way to laugh at it and was even able to tell the sex offender that I found what she said hilarious...and that wayI took great pleasure in stripping her of her power. Thanks to that experience I have the confidence I can get over most things people do, even things a lot of people can't get over.

@Abner yes, appreciation helps, and keeping an eye out for it is important. However the pain or trauma also needs recognition.

Intimate partner violence can go both ways. It is great you could cope with her, and used humour

I struggle with giving away my power too easily. Sorry I am short on words. I am also utterly exhausted at the moment.

Gym, physio, walking, swimming and daily stretches and exercises have kept me forward focused and good for the body.

Yes yes yes... Re music

Gently Bently

Good night all...

I still have to see the neighbour who sexually harrassed me last December every so often, I pass her in the street, and come across her at the bus stop, or on the bus @Appleblossom . When she's civil to me I'm civil to her, and when she's nasty I snub her. I cope with her that way.

A friend of mine said I could take her to court, to which i said I won't because the last time I took someone to court for a sex offense I was told that because I have schizophrenia I might have imagined it. So that's out of the question. I've got enough trauma to deal with, I'm not letting anyone give me anyone give me anymore. I refuse to be a sacrificial lamb for principles of justice that don't exist, and probably never will.

Anyway music, my cats, and exercise are all good things and I've just been practising my euphonium and playing "O Waly Waly" on it.

@Abner Sounds like you are disciplined and dealing with the female abuser pretty clearly and rationally. I understand and think similarly about the so called "justice" system. I am not convinced using the full force of the law is always right.

Schizophrenia is a heavy diagnosis. They labelled both my parents that way, but not prepared to lock me up. I tend to see such ways of being and experience through a trauma lens. Both my parents had significant but different childhood traumas. I take the label with a hefty dash of salt. You definitely have trauma in your background. There are some more inclusive, creative and imaginative ways of conceptualising Schizophrenia these days... Eg hearing voices networks. Sadly, there is still a lot of stigma and judgement around mental health.

Yes yes yes re music, cats and exercise.

We started 3 new songs in u3a group... Dona Nobis, The Prayer, and a silly ironic 2 part song about an ant and a diamond.

Then in church choir, I sang soprano and played Treble and Descant recorder. It just worked out I have 2 singing groups on the one day.

My cats are figuring out the cat flaps and I took them out for a night walk last night... Before the curfew time. Do you have curfews in Sydney?

@tyme @Jynx @Ru-bee

I am very sad today. It is not right to push myself to be happier than I am. Yesterday the psychologist cancelled with a few hours notice. Guess I will find out why.

Today I went and spent 2 1/2 hours in the physio garden. Good to be outside and in nature on a beautiful sunny day. I haven't worked in it for ages, but it needed a tidy up.

Made a pork roast. Grateful for meat and protein. We will eat soon

Tomorrow I have lots of music in 2 churches. One in the West for church, the other in the east.

@Jynx @rav3n @tyme

I don't really want to bother people, but frightened if I totally disappear, that will be the end. Keeping little projects going. Don't worry.

spending some time in nature sounded lovely @Appleblossom oh and roast pork sounds delicious!!!

hope today's music is going well. when you mentioned feeling worried about disappearing, was that a fear of disappearing in church or something else?

sorry that yesterday was a sad day, hope things got brighter for you today 💜

Thank you for checking in and asking for clarification @rav3n I really appreciate it.

I have a heavy load of suicidal ideation.

This afternoon went well. The leader of the group is anxious and pernickety but I can learn from him. I got home safe after a big drive. I am building community so that, and commitments are my biggest protective factors.