Fragile

@Historylover

"I am trying to find my way and purpose." I can see that and I am also tired of much of the modern world, and always like it when we can share a bit of the journey ... I used to be more "desperately lonely" and clingy, somehow I feel fortunate now to be more steady ... with hiccups ...instead of one big almighty aaaahhh chooooooo...

Mostly I have been on the edges anyway ...

I am unsure about telepathy, but I try and keep an open mind ... cos around the next corner is usually something a little new ... ish ... I accept other people's experiences are not my own. Mostly I watched people connect over this and that ... and felt helplessly a wallflower and watcher. Fear and yearning ... are revolving feelings for me ...

I used to dream of telepathy as a young teen before I left home after reading scfi.

Re psychiatrists ... I have had a few weird experiences ... one was into science ... and ram dass ... and kinda running a big love in ... where we all signed medicare forms ... and he was big celebrity ... just across the road from Epworth .. but not in it ... he did get caught and licence revoked.. He was not 100% with me ... touched me inappropriately. I kinda pretended it did not happen. I was doing well at studying and already felt at that time I had some of my own authority. Working at ATO etc etc ...

Another psychiatrist ... did wreck one of my gp relationships about 15 years ago... and then later gps at same clinic said that should not have happened and apologised. Its a bit of a circus. It would have been nicer if I had more natural friendships and less involvement with mental health system ... but as it has transpired I had less than my father and 2 siblings, and stayed on the edge of the MH system, but also with their "experiences" in mind. If I felt I had better options I would have gone with them ...

Yes ... God can mean all sorts of things to different people. I do not have a tidy way of expressing my beliefs .. cos they have come from all over the place ... and I have integrated them gradually over time .. I do not go too deep into particular cultural manifestations ... eg people would stridently tell me about reincarnation ... I should go through my past lives ...etc etc ... then someone else something else ... what can I say ... in the end I analysed my life and documents and files of my family ... find a little bit of stable ground ...which was not present while growing up.

Peace ... to you ...

If you are feeling overwhelmed ... step back and anchor in your good places... safe harbours.

I have valued our friendship. I also get very anxious about things going pearshaped ... you should have seen me yesterday ...

love Apple ...

@Appleblossom, It's taken me decades, but I may have finally worked it out. I have mentioned that my ex-psychiatrist controls me and I can't understand it or get out of his control. It has finally occurred to me that he has likely hypnotized me.

I can recall in the earliest days that he would be speaking to me and the words were not registering. I had to get him to repeat three times before it registered. On another occasion I was yelling at him that I couldn't hear him. This sounds like hypnosis, doesn't it?

I am going to try to mentally backtrack into that time so that I can try to remember more about our early interactions as I'm sure I can recall being somewhat subdued, almost trance-like.

This seems to be the only explanation.

Hi @Historylover, it sounds like there's a lot to think about and reflect on. Delving into the past can be a weighty journey so please reach out if you need some support. You're welcome to call through to the SANE Support Centre (1800 18 7263, Monday to Friday, 10am to 8pm) if you'd like to talk things through; and please keep posting here.

Thank you, @Former-Member. Much to think about.

@Historylover

Sounds very possible explanation. You sound as if you were very traumatised. I am getting wary of using the trauma word now, as it is getting overused, like so many words. Please accept it as an approximation an attempt at communication, nothing fixed in stone.

I think it is good to think about it and talk about it and process when you are feeling it is the right thing to do. Your description of yourself in those early years of therapy sound very similar to mine. In my early therapist relationship with psychiatrists I was subdued, overwhelmed and had little access to spoken word, beyond manners and the barest of civilities. I was praised for not doing small talk, but also unable to find many words to describe the depths of my feelings.

Eventually by my mid 20s. I had mental understanding of PSYCHOSOCIAL THEORY, but diving into that complexity to fish out the apt word for me was simply not possible, along with all the pressing day to day needs of a young mum with a young family with special needs. Not saying anything was often best. It is partly why I am grateful now 40 years later to be able to sing ... but being vocally verbal has not always been my way. Also why I found the forum a bit natural as I was used to typing essays. It helped empty my poor overfull aching brain.

I am glad @Former-Member reached out to you.

The therapuetic project like so many human concepts is not a perfect science or art.

Thank you, @Appleblossom. At this time, I am moving through my understanding of this perplexing world and its inhabitants, as best as I can grasp, at an incredible pace. I ordered 3 books several weeks ago and have outgrown them before they arrive. Or so it seems at the moment.

As mentioned many times, my ex-psy has totally controlled me from the beginning, and as he delved so deeply into my sub-/unconscious, I can only conclude now that some form of hypnotic control has been involved. It satisfies my current understanding, and I can file that problem of his control of me away, after many years of bewilderment. I am safe, and I think I have to stop fighting against him. He seldom did use words, he just left me to work things out for myself. It's very clever really, because it caused me to tap into others, and other sources, which would have otherwise been by-passed by compartmentalising my growth within the consultation room.

I am presently, and have been for several years, still trying to work out why he did what he did. I have to conclude (at this moment—it still waivers) that he did what he had to do. I have even come to the conclusion that my 'relatives' whose only purpose was to mercilessly destroy my birth family were victims of their own family's path and they, too, couldn't get off it. I have hated them with such a need for vengeance, but they have paid high prices for their actions. I am even wondering if forgiveness is possible. I would never have previously considered such a thing. I'll take that path slowly, carefully and with due consideration.

My ex-psy's control over me has kept me safe to this point, so I'm concluding that, without his physical presence, he is continuing by this method still. I have to trust that he is still working for my wellbeing even though it is difficult to understand. It's shaky, uncertain ground for now.

Your singing must be your joyful place, @Appleblossom. I am happy that it is such a refuge for you. This forum has been so good for me, you and so very many others. I have been able to give expression to matters which modern life and relationships would have prevented, and allowed me to find my true self—as always, still a work in progress. I have learned a lot in these past three years, despite the pain involved.

Have a darned good day, @Appleblossom. I enjoy our chats, too.

Your post made me really smile @Historylover

Funny that you wrote "I ordered 3 books several weeks ago and have outgrown them before they arrive. Or so it seems at the moment."

I have felt that when I ordered a latest great book online over last few years ... its great for helping me curb online shopping...lol

@Appleblossom, a quick correction—whenever I speak of my ex-psy and my relatives with forgiveness, or that they did 'what they had to do', that they couldn't help it because they were born into monstrous families—just ignore it, knowing that I am just going through another cycle of confusion. I think it happens because if I can't move forward, I'm forced to go back and undo what is known.

I've never understood why forgiveness is seen as good. Doesn't it just mean that people can do anything and get away with it? Church would make me feel guilty if I didn't forgive, so does church just turn us into pawns in others' games—without self-protective/defensive mechanisms? Or are we seen as wonderful people because we forgive those who so mercilessly destroy our lives to further their own?

@Historylover

I am ambivalent about the concept of forgiveness for the very reasons you mentioned.

I also read a lot of good literature and found the prevalence of paradox interesting and enlightening. Its not just about cleverness. Contradictions can live within each soul. Knowledge of the harms and understandings of the bigger pictures.

Finding ways to contain the breadth of feelings seems to be my challenge. Music helps.

Over here @tonys

I do not think my son is lucky to have me, more that it is what life has offered us. Neither of us asked to be born and we both endured difficulties as young children, no matter how hard I tried to make things good for all 3 of my children. I was in a lot of pain for a long time as a young mother and that was not comfortable for them, even as I tried to hide it or minimise it. It is much milder now and I have more security and less pressure.

I am grateful for positive aspects of the NDIS too. I have been on it since just before Covid. Though not all of it has been good, it still provided interventions in that I had a weekly distractions of a support worker, when I was seriously suicidal. I had a mixed bag of experiences. I am a little detached from my own existence tbh, had to detach to cope. Know the devastating consequences of suicide. Always known life was about more than just me.

@EternalFlower not sure if it the right thing to tag you over here. If it is too overwhelming or not a good fit for you please tell me.

This morning as I was making chicken soup ... to warm up the house and our souls and tummies.... was thinking it is my turn to live without too much fear. Thinking how much fear has been an unconscious driver in lots of my decions ... ha ... what to do? I am learning to let go of the generalised idealised hope for a good world ... and focus more on individual connections. Sometimes those ideals get me in hot water ... and it aint soup. Still I try to take the lessons learned as nourishment.