My journey

Sometimes I am so bitter from all of it and just cold as ice othertimes it’s whatever @Zoe7

Are you looking for a new place alredy - that might need to be your priority right now Hon.

I know you have had a lot of difficulties where you currently live @Former-Member and feeling like you have little control over your life is super hard to deal with,

No I am not. I have to wait until last two weeks at the end of the shortened lease of it becomes apparent. The landlord is coming in to fix what I complained about. I know what I am doing just sick of others thinking they know what they are doing and judging me when they have no idea what they are doing either or who they are and no idea what I really have been through nor how it affected me @Zoe7 I hate him more than anyone in the world and everything he put us through mentally I feel like I don’t because everyone has something to say about my life but they don’t see the effects of everything nor know how hard it’s been everyone just stomps on me and lies and that’s the truth

Like in all honesty how can someone not be mad at the world! @Zoe7 Or turn cold

The effecs others have on us in the kind of situation you are in @Former-Member cannot be fully understood unless people have been in a similar situation as you. It is so very hard to get through how totally hopeless others make us feel - and when there has been a history of abuse as well t makes it so much harder. We carry that pain in everything we do and it is so very hard to 'get on with things' whilst carrying that pain - it feels like constant torture Hon - I get that. I know I sometimes wish that other people eould get what I am going through but that would mean they have endured a similar experience and I would not wish that on anyone - so I get through the best I can - some days are hard and some just that little bit easier. What it is important to remember though @Former-Member is that you are not defined by what has happened to you - and as hard as it is to 'put up with' the continued consequences - you can moe forward - and this potential move for you is a massive step in that direction.

@Former-Member I understand how you feel mad at the world - there are so many things that happen that just should not happen - but we go on because we can see something better for ourselves. You have your precious daughter, I have my fur babies - they give us so much joy in amidst all the pain. One thing I have been trying to do - with the hel of my pdoc - is to see the good in each day as we become so consumed by the negatives that we find it hard to see that there is good too. Doing DBT is definitely helping with that - they are skills I already know but having a focus each week to concentrate on is helping me use them in a more positiive and prolonged way. For you Hon - just reaching out here shows me you want to be able to see those positives too - you have taken some big steps firstly with your course next year and now wanting to move out of what you see as a 'toxic' environment for you - that is positive

I feel dirty @Zoe7

That is not unusual for everything you have been through Hon - wish I could tke that feeling away for you @Former-Member It is a horrible feeling to have

Feel it every day @Zoe7

Remember everything

I get it Hon - and know exactly where you are coming from - there are times when I feel 'everything' also and it makes me feel so sick - not a good place to be at all @Former-Member