My journey

It hurts quite a bit @Zoe7 i am not the same person I once was & now I am not the same person either & probably in like a year I won’t be the same person again. Yeah I haven’t been nice to heaps of people. It’s so weird I know what love isn’t more than what it actually is... it’s so strange everyone I have spoken with since I can see bits of myself in them that I probably wouldn’t have thought about before... sort of like a reflection at times also think since I cut everyone out and isolated myself that’s why I feel behind

That makes complete sense @Former-Member The more you cut people out of your life the more isolated you feel. I certainly can relate to that. I think you lose a bit of yourself each time you lose people in your life but that does not mean that those holes cannot be filled in the future with new people. The hardest part is meeting those new people. Have you thought about joining a group - maybe a craft group or a mothers group where you could meet new people. If you did this out of your area a little you may meet some new people.

Thought about it @Zoe7 just not really what you call housewife and stuff. I can’t even cook. To be honest, don’t really think I ever accepted being a mother as well.

Its hard

I have no doubt it is hard and especially being a single mum @Former-Member Are there any other interests you have that you could join a group during the day when you daughter is at preschool - something to get you out of the house and meeting people - even a walking group.

Dance, yoga, gym but can’t afford another investment at the moment. I had to buy all furniture again in this unit which cost me a fortune. Could have just settled with anything but it isn’t me and more than anything just wanted to do it the way I wanted to with starting over. Sort of feel I have lost interest in quite a bit though last few years. Design is something I really love doing. Most of old gfs have partners or are married now lol and had falling outs with a few of them. I don’t like staying home. Remember the days when I was so busy with work and just solely wanted to work almost every day. Felt good being productive & being good at what I used to do. Now I feel like even with work I have lost all confidence in beauty and maybe passion with everything that has gone on that it isn’t me anymore @Zoe7

That makes sense @Former-Member One of the by-products of depression is a loss of interest in things that we once enjoyed. I don't find much enjoyment in anything myself these days but I am slowly trying to get back into things. Being at the pool is something I enjoy but some days I have to drg myself there and get through my exercises - it is something I have set my mind to do twice a week snd not let anything stop that. I know I get something out of t when I am not feeling like going but still get myself there. I also loved work but began to see that as a job rather than getting the same enjoyment out of it - tht was right before I got really sick so everythong kind of happened at once. It is tough when you lose interest in the things that once sustained you in life - but that is alsi when we need to make a real conscious effort to do some things otherwise we go downhill very quickly.

I just can’t believe how much I have changed @Zoe7 it would be really hard for you too.

Do you meet people when you are at the pool? Sound like me with -everything happened at once. Do you find you miss yourself? Like a lot? It’s good you have fully committed to that if it helps you. Would be hard when you are feeling exhausted. Do you find you are grounded in the pool?

I went down a massive well and never came out @Zoe7 that’s what it feels like

I have met some of the other regulars in the pool and they are all really nice. Sometimes just a smile and a hello from them is nice - makes me feel like I belong somewhere @Former-Member I do find it grounding being in the pool - I alwyas have 5-10 minutes of just floating around at the end of my exercises to just enjoy the feeling of the warm water around me - that is the best part of my session. There is ni-one there that I could say I would be friends with outside of the pool but to just be comfortable again being around people is pretty big for me. A few months ago I couldn't have done that. It is the same with DBT now - I kind of enjoy the company of the other members of the group but that has taken months also and for the first 2-3 months I really struggled to be there.

I have been talking a bit more in my pdoc sessions about work of late and my pdoc says my eyes light up when I talk about what I used to do - so that says that maybe I am missing work more than I will admit. I am trying to get back there and I hope that the more I can do at work the more I will be able to do - starting part-time and working up from there - but it is a long process.

I have been down that well - several times Hon - and it is a very dark place to be - not easy at all to come out of but if I can do it then you certainly can @Former-Member and you have me for support along the way