Connect with people who understand what you are going through, seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.

47,612Members
1,358,869Posts
1,400,000Visitors

Struggling with teen daughter's desire for perfection

AttahuaSenior Contributor10 Dec 2015, 7:41 am AEDT

Struggling with teen daughter's desire for perfection

hi, am wondering if there are any parents out there with these same daily struggles.....my daughter is 15 and in my eyes has just completed a very successful year 10! Despite her anxieties , which she has previously had help for, she managed to achieve straight As in her end of year exams BUT although getting 95% on her maths exam in the top maths group and 4 As and 2 Bs in previous maths tests/assignments throughout the semester, her teacher gave her a B on her report card, every other subject was an A. I personally am just proud as punch but to her this B is unfair and she feels she has worked really really hard for nothing! She is disappointed , I get that but her reaction is over the top as she had a complete meltdown and feels what is the point on working so hard and striving for an A to only get a B!!! Not only that but her goal all year was to get English Dux and class Dux and she won neither ( her close friend won those!) She did however achieve Dux in CSI and Art but again in her eyes not good enough and during her meltdown she simply ripped up her awards!!!! I was angry and devasted and said some hurtful things ...words I regret but I was so angry myself at the way she was behaving , yelling and screaming at me, swearing, slamming doors etc. once again blaming me for moving us away from family five years ago to a country town where financially we are far better off as I have a permanent teaching position here. My partner of six years tries to then parent and this turns into an even bigger argument, he has schizoeffective disorder and although he has not been hospitalised in over two years we both are guilty of reminding him , especially when we are all angry, of the grief and pain he has put us through. He was the main reason too for us moving here initially!! My daughter is my life and up until the last five years I have raised her by myself since she was two. Her biological father refuses to have any contact because he has to pay child support!!!? I feel guilty because I think/ know that as much as I love my girl she is an only child and spoilt, I understand her desire to do well but a very quiet part of me thinks she is having a tantrum because she didn't get what she wants!!!! I feel guilty saying this. I also have to confess that when I am particularly frustrated I pull my hair and try to hurt myself physically.... a hard thing to admit out loud so now I blame myself for bad role modelling and to make it worse my daughter blames me.....I am guilt ridden over so many past behaviours but I also do take meds and do seek help when needed....something she now refuses to do!!!! Is my daughter really unwell or is this a teen phase????? We still have year 11 and 12 to survive yet!!!!!

14 replies

11 - 14 of 14

1 2

In response to: Struggling with teen daughter's desire for perfection

CannonSaltSenior Contributor15 Dec 2015, 4:54 pm AEDT

Re: Struggling with teen daughter's desire for perfection

Hi @Attahua ! Sometimes getting a mark back, no matter what it is, can feel anti-climactic. Perhaps your daughter is using that anxious energy to fuel herself and rehearsing for year 11 and 12, and so she doesn't quite know what to do with the feelings after she's got the mark and it's over. Trouble is, even though she put the work in, she didn't get the mark she thought she deserved. Sometimes, attempts to console can just feel hollow and fake in the heat of the moment and lead to the bad feelings getting worse and 'you're not listening to me!' and then tantrums. Not that I speak from personal experience of throwing any such tantrums, of course. *shifty eyes*

My mother sent me an article she'd read about boys being taught when faced with difficulty to redouble their efforts - and girls were taught that ability, talent was either 'you've got it or you don't'. What you were saying about your daughter thinking people will love her if she's smart reminded me of the article. I'm not sure if this was the article, but it seems similar: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-science-success/201101/the-trouble-bright-girls I read when I was a kidlet a book on gifted kids which said they can struggle when they get into uni and everyone's a bright spark, so they suddenly have to develop a work ethic and habits, not just rely on their memory and skill - so maybe there's something that could be tweaked in your daughter's work habits.

High school in the later years can be very insular for newcomers - she might be having trouble making friends, even though she's involved in sport and music outside of school. Would your daughter be interested in reading about advice from people who've been there, done that, survived and done well? http://www.education.vic.gov.au/school/students/Pages/vce.aspx has a few perfect scoring students and their strategies. When you were her age, could you see how amazing you were? It takes time to learn to love yourself warts and all. It does sound like she's struggling early, and it sounds like you've been doing a good job by her for years. Please be kind to yourself. There is a lot of support available for teens sitting their final exams - hopefully she'll be willing to avail herself of that.

In response to: Re: Struggling with teen daughter's desire for perfection

Jaye-KayContributor14 Jan 2016, 10:43 am AEDT

Re: Struggling with teen daughter's desire for perfection

Attahua, yes I agree - you seem like a very caring, supportive and loving mum and a woman with a lot of strength and patience.

I am also supporting my daughter (older than yours - but a part of her is still stuck in a frozen plaze of teenage years when she was badly bullied - and that part is not able yet to complete adult developmental transition, because of paralysed fear)

she has so many issues - I recently decided to simplfy things by just repeating over and over again: that I love her and ee so many great strengths and qualities in her. that school is unfair (but it is what it is) and that all the hoops she must apparently jump through - that's also unfair (but we can't change the world overnight and I believe she can find her way through) and that the world can also be bloody unfair and tough: but again, I believe she can develop the resources to live a good and happy life and find the situations where the world can be a kind and pleasant place to be. and I am there for her.

I just keep repeating this, in same or similar words, over and over again, as I realise the fear underlying the many other layers of stuck and/or swirling emotions. it's starting to help - just that she feels she genuinely has an ally.. I say she doesn't have to "fix" anything about herself. there is nothing "rong" with her - even if she sees a psyche, that's not because there is anything wrong with her: she is just experiencing normal human pain to what feels llike impossible and overwheleming expectations (by the way, I do not think it helpful of the psychologist to set homework, in her case. I see his rationale, but it might have been cleverer to just ease of and not make "fixing me" yet another set of tasks... maybe he could just let her be and let her be heard... tell her this, maybe, also.......

I told her about Susan Jeffers (self-help teacher, who wrote Feel The Fear and Dare to Connect) - SJ had this great phrase: we alays seem to have to be trying to achieve "more, better, best" and we need to let ourselves off the hook

sure your daughter wants to do well in the world and make a good llife, but above all young people need to feel valued just "because you are you" I know you do this for her, and I think, as parents, we have to amplify it so much - because we're truly up against all the other confusing messages that are being thrown at our kids......

these are just my reflections today and I hope something in this helps.

In response to: Struggling with teen daughter's desire for perfection

aristosaneContributor25 Feb 2016, 9:20 pm AEDT

Re: Struggling with teen daughter's desire for perfection

Hi @Attahua, just a thought on your daughter's CAMHS appointment next week....

When my daughter first had contact with CAMHS in 2013 she was let down hopelessly by her appointed worker who told her that there are lots of children out there suffering with anxiety but they manage mainstream schooling. This broke her trust in the system so we felt like we were back at square one.

She too refused appointments, with the same attitude as your daughter saying only she can help herself. After some time I managed to get her back to CAMHS whereby my daughter would wait in the car and the CAMHS worker would come out and speak to her in a place my daughter felt safe. After 2 or 3 sessions this way, they would walk around the block and talk. Just a suggestion...

Good luck

In response to: Struggling with teen daughter's desire for perfection

ARaddersNew Contributor16 June 2016, 2:29 pm AEST

Re: Struggling with teen daughter's desire for perfection

Sounds just like my 16 yo daughter who has anxiety, social anxiety and now anorexia nervosa. She is genuinely devastated to receive marks that the other kids would be stoked with. I have no answers however you're not alone and it is a really hard journey. My girl is in year 11 and going great guns academically but emotionally and mentally all over the place 😞

11 - 14 of 14

1 2