Struggling with teen daughter's desire for perfection

Why weren't we told how difficult it was going to be as a parent.

The blame and guild can be overwhelming, especially when you can't stop the hurting or pain of one of your children.

I too have a high achieving teenage daughter with social anxiety, I too care for a loved one with mental illness (my Dad) and I work in the mental health industry and support families like ourselves.

What I can say is there is no quick fix, no band aid or easy solution, it will take honest communication, ending blame and forgiveness. I also suggest that you get support / mediation from an agency like headspace, relationship Australia, counsellor or psychologist. And allow each of you to work through your own feelings both privately and together.

You are not alone, I can promise you if you stick with it is worth it.

Good luck and best wishes.

Hi @Attahua,

Thanks so much for sharing. @MIFANTCARER made a really good point about ending blame and encouraging forgiveness. I think this is really important, not just towards others, but also towards ourselves. Sometimes in the heat of an angry moment we might say things we later regret. I know I certainly have! And unfortunately, we usually get angry with the people we’re closest to, most likely because we care about them and don’t like to see them suffer when we don’t think they need to. But it's important to be kind to yourself and remember that you are only human, and that's okay!

I’m wondering, have you spoken with your daughter about why it’s so important for her grades to be perfect? It might be helpful to try and open this conversation up and explore how she feels about it. It sounds like she is doing really well but is minimising her achievements as not good enough for some reason?

Maybe some of other members have some helpful suggestions as well or can offer some support. @Janna and @Ginny both care for children with MI and might have some valuable insight to share.

All the best,

supernova.

Thank u so much for your reply! I have no idea why she strives for perfection except that I do know she constantly compares herself to other friends and family members. She seems to think if she got better grades her family in particular would like her more .... It is so left field as her family love her regardless and are blown away by her achievements and determination!! I have only ever encouraged her but never put pressure on her!! I want her to be happy.....end of story!!! She seems to think everyone in her class thinks she is dumb .... quite possibly someone may have made some silly comment which my daughter has then taken as gospel!! I just don't understand myself where this is all coming from and it breaks my heart to witness! I just hope one day soon she sees the same amazing young woman that we see when she looks in the mirror!!! It's so difficult for teens these days.... she tells me your popularity is based on how many likes u get on yr fb profile pic and that u have more chance of getting more likes if u post at 7 pm , apparently it used to be 10pm!!! And I thought being a teen in the 80s was hard!!!!!! Hopefully this 8 week break away from school will give her time to just rest!!! I think not really knowing 100% what she wants to do career wise has been a trigger as they have had to choose subjects recently for year 11 using the SATAC guide as a reference to see what uni courses have prerequisites.... I totally get how that in itself can be daunting if she doesn't yet know what she wants to study at uni.....although film making is high on her list....either way she will have to study away from home and probably move interstate....Anyway I have booked a CAMHS app for next Thursday and will do my best to get her there ....naturally she is refusing but I am just going to have to be persistent as we cannot keep going like this!

Hi @Attahua

You're definately not the only one who has questioned whether these types of things are typical of teenagers or if there's something more there.

Everyone has provided you some great referrals and advice. I just wanted to add one.

There's a great website for 14-25 year olds called ReachOut - it's online, anonymous and accessible 24/7. They also have peer support forums, kind of like this!

I think alot of people (teenagers and adults) feel like seeking "external" support means they can't fix things themselves. I try and stress to people who have that perspective, that reaching out to the appropriate support and doing things that are in their best interest, IS fixing things themselves. It's the act of taking responsibility to seek that support is "fixing it themselves"

Keep us updated and we're here if you need us.

Nik

Hi @Attahua,

It is marvellous that your daughter feels so passionate about her studies. Although from a practical point of view there is an idea from psychology that the really high achievers academically are not the most successful in life generally. There is also a push for young women to study science and technology subjects which must be an added pressure for young people who want to do well.

When I read your post I did wonder if your daughter has a reason for being disappointed with her results. Maybe the B is genuinely unfair. So I am wondering if you have investigated this yourself or just accepted what the teacher has done. Your daughter would have a reason to be angry and frustrated if this was the case and she is receiving no support.

Oh yes I definitely investigated and have now given all previous tests and assignments to the teacher of director and learning to seek another opinion from the other maths teacher..... am reluctant to check my emails though to see if there has been any response as my daughter is now calm and talking to me again.... although she has been asking!!!Next year she is doing physcology , top maths, top English, chemistry , creative art and art/ design and the compulsory religious ed... But she is now thinking of dropping chem and doing a full year of art..... year 11 art is a massive workload but then again so was year 10 art

Dear @Attahua

You sound like a very caring mother and wife.

So compassionate....