hoping to relate to others out there..husband has health anxiety/depression

Welcome @clarity

such a bright positive avatar

You will soon discover there are many others in similar circumstances to yourself!

@Tatsinda, @zipper & @lucky

all relate in a thread called, 'wives caring for husbands' here;

http://www.saneforums.org/t5/Our-stories/Wives-caring-for-Husbands/m-p/9171/highlight/true#M430

thought you might like to check it out.

Who's about for you clarity?

At the moment it would appear you are greatly impacted by your husbands behaviour, and could do with some practical support, a cuppa with a friend, a listening ear or all of the above.

Take some time to care for yourself during this difficult transition.

Regards

yes, over the past few months I have become more involved with my local community. it has really helped me to get focused on other things...including myself. bec my husband is at home every day , all day it can take a big toll on my stress when im at home,,,so i made it more of a priority to go out more, but i have to take my young child out all the time with me, bec if i left her at home she just wouldnt get the care she would with him. my other two are in school so that helps me out but i at times just feel so negative returning home and feeling as though im just awaiting the next petty argument argh!!!

It sounds like a really difficult time for you at the moment @clarity. I’m glad you’re finding some support in your local community.

It can be hard not to feel a sense of guilt when someone we care about is experiencing a mental illness. It’s common for carers to feel responsible for the person’s illness or worry that they’re not doing enough to help them. You’re right when you say he needs to find the desire within him. Please try to hold onto this thought to remind yourself that you are doing everything you can and it’s not your responsibility to “make” him better.

It sounds like your hands are full with looking after the kids and the home and supporting your husband - it must be exhausting. It’s great that you’ve been prioritising going out and focusing on yourself. Well done!

You mentioned that your husband says he’s open to seeing a psychologist but hasn’t been able to take any steps towards that. Have you been able to have a conversation with him about possibly discussing all of this with his GP? Perhaps you could even go along with him although I understand it could be difficult to find the time to do that.

Anyway, just thought I’d say hello and see how things are going for you today

@clarity
I love your username. You're welcome to 'rant' here. We're all carers with issues about caring for someone, whether it be partner, parent, sibling or child.

My first thought was wow, you're getting overwhelmed. So you need 'me' time. I'm struggling to find that, so I know how tough it is when you don't have it. Seems like you've got a support network going, so use it as much as you need to.

In regard to your husband's lack of motivation, have you spoken to your GP about it yourself? Can you get a referral to a psychologist for both yourself and your husband and take him along? It seems he's not going to do it for himself.

I have found that this forum has some wonderful and very supportive members, so don't be afraid to post here.

HI Artee thanks for your reply, yes i have seen a GP, I have a referral to see a physcologist myself but havent as yet booked the appt. with this time of year its really quite crazy getting anything remotely simple done. somehow my husband will have to go to the GP to get the referral and am not sure wether thats going to be an easy process in itself either. we just bought a new car and it felt like a nightmare. i was stressed more about how stressed he was deciding than the car itself OMG...we finally settled on one today that wasnt on the watch list, and it popped up after the other one i had interest in was sold...there was only 2K diff in price but its been enough for us to start the tension again tonight...bec he isnt working he is obviously stressed out about the purchase...but it wasnt on loan. but i think to myself he hasnt worked for 4 years, why bother waiting for him to work to buy? am so over it tonight....

Hi loevly,

i am sorry to hear you are going through such difficult times and trying to do everything on your own can definitely take its toll.

i was just researching to find some help for myself and i came across your message, I can so relate to everything you mentioned here ie feelings of frustration, anger, helplessness, even hopelessness for future.

i have a similar situation where my husband of two years, has depression and anxiety and lately depression has increased even more so than before and he is refusing to seek help. he recognises that he has a problem but doesnt trust and has no h0pe that any of the treatments will work so he is using this as a reason for not even trying to get help because 'there is no point.'

my husband has a part time job but other than he too sits at home all day and listens to music on youtube. he has promised me that he will find a full time job but he shows no action. his help around the house is also very limited and i am doing everything at home and outside of home. i work full time as a psychologist and have to provide counselling all day at work to clients and then go home and counsel my husband. it is quite ironic that he has chosen me as his wife when he has no faith in psychological treatments and or support. it really makes me feel upset to see i am helping so many other people but teh person closest to my heart refuses to engage and get help.

we dont have any children now and it has already taken its toll on me trying to help him when he doesnt want to help himself. things must be alot harder for you with a child involved. i have reached a point where i have given him warning that if he doesnt get help i am considering divorce but it doesnt seem like it has any effects on him.

he also doesnt sleep most hours of the night and keeps me awake too, i feel like a zombie most of time, emotionally numb and feeling depressed myself. i have my own psychologist to talk to but other than dont talk to many others. few of my close friends are open to hear but i feel like i burden them with the same story of my life which has been going on for almost two years.

it is so difficult to care for someone with a mental illness when they dont have the motivation to do anything to help themselves; i am trying to see where else i can get some more support for myself so this issues has minimal negative effects on me because if we dont look after ourselves first, we wont be able to help others. i have now reached a point where i am not at all supportive to my husband, i am emotionally distant, often dont even want to go home in fear of what will be going on once i get there, i get angry and frustrated at his lack of motivation and his denial in getting help for himself. see when you feel these feelings, these are all warnings that our bodies and minds are in urgent need of a break from all these pressures. try and do somethig nice for yourself, at least once a day even if it is for 5 minutes. i try to ground myself before entering home and have few deep breaths to relax my mind and sometimes that helps.

i hope things work out for all of us who are in these kinds of situations.

Bless you,

hi tryingtokeepsane...i really really can relate to your post. wow, yes we have very similar situation. yes him being at home fulltime is the probably the biggest struggle for both he and I and our family. just one day where he goes out even for a couple of hours makes a massive difference. most of my friends are counting down the days till they get to spend some quality of time with their husbands due to the holidays but for me, actually depressingly its the opposite. although if I reason with him about his time spent at home, and the issues arrising how he perceives things in a negative and mulling way, he can understand it. but its one to understand it and another to take action. no work on the latter i must say unfortunately. taking deep breaths is a real help and i have found this forum relieving and connected to others undergoing similar situations, which honestly help me out alot. i dont like either talking with my friends about it too, infact i dread them asking bec on one hand i want to rant and on another i dont want to always be the broken record of the group.recently i have come to accept and take comfort in that it really isnt my problem, i do sympathise and i do care or else i wouldnt bloody well be here, but it fustrates the crap out of me when he says i doesnt. ahh. my friend is a physcologst herself too and i hate calling her now, its such a strain on us all. peace with you and all of the readers.

your feelings of frustration and anger are very reasonable, unfortunately unless the person does something to improve their own situation, no one else can do anything to help them.

i found slowly leaving certain tasks for my husband to complete, with several reminders at times, got him to get more involved and become a little more responsible. i am sure on their part too, they probably dont feel very happy to be totally dependent on their wives. think about which chores, activities he can do so you can ease of the pressure a little bit more on your side. he may not automatically fall into taking more tasks up, but slowly he will. it will be good for him too to start feeling abit more useful at home, it may change his perceptions of himself. with depression people more often feel useless, worthless and have no self compassion and get stuck in this cycle of self abuse ie they realise they are not taking responsibility but dont have enough motivation to do anything and so they start feeling useless, have negative self thoughts and beliefs about their ability and verbally and emotionally abuse themselves by feeling guilt, shame and for some with their victim mentality and it will be helpful to get them out of that cycle.

i just joined this forum and already i love it. talking to you now i can see if beneficial for both of us. increasing support like this will be greatly beneficial for us; dont forget exercise. join a fun class where it will be good for socialising and also exercise. i have joined a bellydancing class and find it very energising and always look forward to monday nights where i can have alittle fun and me time. try yoga, zumba, bike riding with your child and or any other activity that you enjoy or used to enjoy. make sure you particularly look after yourself because if your needs arent met you will start building up resentment against him and emotionally detach even more. i am realising few of these things happening for me too as i am reflecting back now.

but you will also need to be honest with your self about how long will you continue like this in life, have a think about your options and also inform him too about what is ok and what is not. boundary setting is very important in any relationship, he probably also needs a little shake before he starts realising what is important for him. i find with my husband that the only times he makes changes are when he reaches the rock buttom and when things get worst. its only then when things can shift and improve.

Absolutely, I can relate to all that you say. Taking me time out for myself is so healthy, i do struggle though to find some times to do this as we have three little ones, 8,6 and 4. but i do attend social groups like play group and i volunter with the schools, so this helps me network and distracted. But the dread some days returning home just eats at me. and your right, for my husband too he usually has to hit rock bottom to start changing, and thats usually a combination of him isolating himself from the family for a few days on the internet researching about his health,and me ending up not wanting anything to do with him, eg. not speaking with him, not serving him food ( he can figure out when he wants to eat at all the wrong times when he gets all depressed). So when it becomes like this, i just say forget it basically. after a few days of this awful silent treatment which is really such a eggshell life I live at times, then he will get up and go out and walk for a little while. the other thing is this...he obviously wouldnt like me talking about these issues with ppl, but i feel so much better when I do. I need to to re book my appt with the local pyschologist, not bec im feeling isolated or lost. but just simply want to relieve the thoughts in my mind on someone who i dont feel guilty with sharing with. you are right too, there is limits and boundaries, I ordered recently a book that i found other ppl here recomened but thats yet to arrive, the thing with setting limits with partners of depression and anxiety and manipulation is this...after spending a while with these ppl the lines have for me become blurred about whats normal and whats paranoa now. I find myself at times worked up about something that perhaps wasnt a big deal before I meet my husband. im usually a carefree type of person, a very forgiving person and never one to hold onto issues with others. but his intense way of thinking at times can cause a negative way of thinking on my own spirit.....u know what i mean?

yes i understand what you are saying. let me give you an metaphor, how long do you think the water spills from a glass if you keep on pouring water in it? it wont take too long. well, our bodies and minds are exactly the same. water was a metaphor for stress, if you have continuous stress in your life for a long period of time, it wont take long at all before you are too negatively impacted. this is why stress management techniques are so very important, specially when the stressor is chronic and has no immediate solution.

have you guys thought about relationship counselling? maybe if he starts to talk about 'our problems' he may feel less like he is being the problem and may eventually, hopefully, agree to have individual counselling. you talked about the pattern between you guys where you leave him alone for few days and then start talking again. this is not very effective and useful unfortunately, silent treatment and being passive aggressive is actually very damaging to the relationship and learnign how to best communicate your concerns and raise those issues are very important. this can happen again when you put your needs first and manage your stress because then you will be better able to respond to him. i read a very nice article last night and they mentioned that it is important to recognise you are not your husband's therapist and ensuring your needs are first is also important. they talked about the metaphor where in the airplanes they always tell you to put your oxygn mask on first then your children's because if you are not well then you wont be in a position to help others either. good job re your social engagement ie play group, volunteers. increase these if you can, or organise play activities or sporting activities with your children, it will have a positive impact on you too ie bike riding, swimming, playing soccer etc. all these group activities are good and maybe when your husband sees this change in you, he may be more motivated to change... fingers crossed!