catching up

Hi Karen, have just got home from the hospital, mum has been discharged, they can't do the scan today because it is a weekend so it has been scheduled for monday in town, so another trip for me 😞

They are still not sure what has caused it, it is good that she has no pain now, but she is still not well. hoping over the afternoon/weekend she improves

My Anxiety is aweful, worrying about mum, having to be at the hospital and all the driving, i am so exhausted, my heart rate is flat out, i am shaking, i am just trying to watch my breathing, taking deep breaths when i can.

Thank you Karen, where would i be without you. it is so nice to know you are here for me, it has made me think a lot last night and today about how i am going to cope without mum, it was so quiet here last night, i don't think i will ever be able to cope without her.

Hi My angel,

Yes you are right, i have been trying to stay in the present and distract, struggling with it though because i am so numb, i am keeping a close eye on my breathing, mum seem a lot better, so hoping the scan shows nothing, mum thinks it might have been a severe reaction to some new medication she had to take, as the symptoms only started and stopped since the medication.

Oh yes my angel, a cold shower, right 😄 it has been 40 degrees here for a week, out water is stored in towers, the water is so hot, so no cold showers for me 🙂 but good thought, maybe i should put all the frozen goods on the floor and climb into the freezer 😄

Thank you Karen, you are so sweet, i wish you could see how caring you are, you have your own troubles and you are reaching out to support me, thank you so much.

Karen how are you? what did you and the girls do today? how are your anxiety and depression levels?

Karen i wish you could see how great you are, you are so loving of your little girls, so caring to me, and so strong being able to do all you do every day.

i would like a hug if thats ok, i could really use one.

Be safe

Jacques

OH Karen are you ok?

please be safe, their is a severe storm warning for Melbourne, i don't know what area you are in but it looks like it is going ot be most of Melbourne.

Please be safe

Jacques

Hi my angel,

yes it is not nice this heat wave, but you are ment to be getting a cool change tomorrow, so i will have my fingers crossed, we are ment to be getting the smae cool change on monday.

Oh my angel, i am so sorry i was not here for you today, i know the feeling of low, i know it very well, i am glad you spent the day resting, i hope you get some more rest tomorrow, it is so important for your MH to feel rested.

I hope your mother was supportive of you today, not holding out much hope though. Are you and the girls watching the Christmas Carols tonight? please try, it is something different and might help lift your mood.

i am still worried even though she is feeling better, i have always worried about my parent leaving me, this has given me a real fright.

Oh yes my angel, an ice bath would, if i could get water to freeze 😄 sounds like a plan Karen, i am going to try for a cool shower tonight after i finish watering the garden.

my thoughts are with you now Karen, please speak to me if you need some company, i know i am a man, but i am a soft plush teddy bear 🙂

be safe, gentle hugs

Jacques

Thank you My angel, i am so sorry i am on and off, i have just finished watering the garden, My "Karen" Garden is looking great, the purple ones are so beautiful.

Karen you are all these things too, eve nthough you are so low, you still reached out to me, even in your darkest hour, you still had time to help me, Karen i can'tthank you enough for helping me through another crisis. you are a awesome friend, i could ask for nothing more.

I know my angel, i am so scared being alone, i often wonder how you will manage when you move into your new home, Karen, one thing i am learning is things always seem to work even when we think they can't. i know it must be so tough looking at your childrens long term care, but you just keep going day-by-day, hour-by-hour, that is all you need to focus on, you are such a loving caring mum Karen, no child could ask for anything more. they love you for being you, nothing more.

Yes, if you knew what i did to myself last night you would be so ashamed of me, i am ashamed of me, i did not handle it too well, i am scared to think this happening more regularly, i just hope i am able to care for her when she needs me. i just hope i can hold on long enough.

Missing you my angel

Jacques

I do too Karen 😞 you are so special to me, i do like our movi/tv nights, are you watching the Christmas carols on 7?

I am so sorry you know what i do Karen, i am so ashamed, i hate myself for ahaving to do it over and over, it is not fair i have no other way of coping. why am i so fragile, so different to everyone else, i am a monster.

that would be nice Karen, i am a little low tonight, i would like to spend some time with you, but please spend some time with the girls, we will chat when they go to sleep.

I am so sorry you know my secrets, i am just so glad you don't know how bad they are or what they are, you would hate me.

my angel if you are feeling down, it might be good if we limit contact tonight, i really don't want to bring you down, i know you are already low.