catching up

Hi My sweet angel,

Gosh i never thought you felt the same, i know how badly you hve been treated and i was so worried you would think i was getting too close to you, please don't be embarressed, i think i feel the same way, i have never felt like this for another person, i think and dream about you all the time, you are my whole world.

Oh Karen, i know you ment you are a mum first, your girls should be the special ones in your life, they are part of you. Karen you should only be treated with kindness and respect, all people should, you have helped me so much i would do anything for you, and i trust you completely too, i have told you things no one else knows about, i wish i did not have seperation anxiety.

You are so special to me Karen, so special, you have treated me with dignity and given me a reason to live, i have been so embarressed of some of the things i have told you, but i felt comfortable enough to tell you.

You truly are my sweet princess, my guardian angel and my best friend. thank you.

Hi dear @Appleblossom,

How are you my virtual mum? i am so glad you are enjoying real coffee, i try to only have 2-3 instant coffees and the rest fresh ground beans 😄 sometimes it is nice to treat ourselves.

I am so scared of rejection @Appleblossom, i know what you mean it is such a mind field with all of the etiquette's of relationships, friends, lovers, partners, acquaintances. i really struggle with social interaction full stop, i know many people take the wrong meaning out of what i say. i am also scared of getting close to people, i have been hurt so many times, that is why i have pushed everyone away in my real life, i don't want to ever get hurt again.

Yes, i agree a safety contract will help in times of crisis, i have many of them, i almost followed through 2 nights ago. i am so scared of myself sometimes, i don't know why i hate myself so much, maybe because i have never experiances love or affection from anyone, my parents where not the type to show affection, i was taught to be an adult from a child, proper etiquette at the table, told to go to bed and always had to look after myself. they where good parents, please don't think they where horrible, but because they both had harsh upbringings they had no experiance in affection.

Yes, i am trying to do the same, i play lots of music, and anything really to distract from wanting to harm myself, it is getting harder, but i am fighting it as much as i can. once SH SI come into the picture it is something to be managed, not removed. in down times we always revert back to SH SI, it is about manageing those times to make sure we are safe and don't follow through.

Thank you so much @Appleblossom, you are such a wise and caring lady.

Jacques

I am so glad my angel, you deserve so much love and care from people to make up for all the hurt you suffered. if i can help you feel respected and cared for then i am proud to be your friend and more.

My angel, how are you today? what did you and the girls get up to?

Toda yi managed to touch up some paint in the hallway i messed up, i watered all the pot plants, and fixed up the one i damaged (no harm done) then i trimmed 14 hedges and pulled some weeds, i found a weed growing close to one of the shrubs, its stem was 1 inch think!!!! i managed to brake a shovel trying to dig it out, i still have not managed to dig the whole lot of it out, i think it is tangled up with the shrub, so i will wait for it to sprout and paint some roundup on it.

so that was my day, i enjoyed it emencly, being so cool and i had plenty of energy thanks to you, it looks like all i needed was a good nights sleep.

Karen, you have made me so happy over the past 2 years, i can't emphasise this enough, i would not be alive without your kindness and caring nature, your friendship to me has been the only one i have had where i have let go and allowed anyone into my heart. i have been hurt so many times, but i trust you and know i will never be hurt.

hugs my sweet princess. i am happy

Jacques

It looks like we do really have a special bond, i am so glad we do 🙂 my angel, you are such a wonderful person, i can't help but care about you deeply 🙂

That is ok Karen, you need so much rest, you have had a really tough start to the year and you need rest. your body knows what it wants, it is telling you it needs rest. don't fight it accept it.

Yes, it makes me feel proud to not be angry and to do something constructive. i even cooked mum a lovely roast chicken dinner with all the trimmings.

My angel, i know you would never hurt me, that is why i have let you get so close to me, everyone else in my life that tried to get close i stopped speaking to them, you are the only one i have let into my heart, i know you wil look after my heart, you are such a wonderful kind, caring loving person Karen, you have always wanted the best for me and i only want the best for you.

Yes, what a shame, although it will mix things up if it rains 😄 i think Lewis Hamillton will win. i have followed F1 since 1996, watched every race until last year when they put it onto payTV 😞

OMG Karen, that will bring back some memories, I HAVE THE NEED, THE NEED FOR SPEED!!!!!! poor Goose.

I hope you enjoy it my princess. tonight i am watching the goodwood festival live online, do you know what it is? anyway i am watching that and just surfing the internet.

Karen my sweet princess, i know i am still holding hope, it has a place next to the special place i have for you in my heart, it is safe my angel, it will always be safe.

cuddles my angel, and maybe a peck on the cheek 🙂

Jacques