catching up

i hope you are ok, i felt so bad telling you how i was feeling, i should have known it was going to trigger you, it was not directed at anyone but myself, i am frustrated with myself Karen. i would never hurt you.

I am feeling really low, i am so close to crying, i had to lie to my family today and pretend i was going wonderful, it was so excruciating to have to lie to family.

i am so sorry for every thing Karen, so sorry for the past few days, things are starting to spiral out of control for me.

sorry Karen,

good night, hugs

Jacques

Hi My angel,

I am so sorry for yesterday, i was having a really bad day, their is no excuse for saying what i did, i hope you can forgive me.

i am so tired i got to sleep at 3 am again. i hope you managed some rest last night. what are you and the girls up to today? how are you going?

Well it is a nice cool morning here, i just had Crumpets for brekkie with strawberry jam and a nice coffee, well my second for the day.

I hope you are managing Karen, i am really worried about you and the effect i have had on you over the past few days.

Hugs my angel, i miss you so much

Jacques

Hugs my angel,

as i said i was angry with myself, with my situation, not with you, you are a wonderful caring and kind friend. i care for you deeply and never want to hurt you, ever.

I am so proud of you going home before you lose control, i have been so worried about you, so scared you will leave me.

Karen i am so proud of you telling me i was triggering you, please let me know if i go too far ever again, i will stop imediatly, i promise my angel. i never want to hurt or trigger you ever.

hugs my angel, i hope we can still be friends 🙂 if you want some space from me, let me know and i will leave you alone, if you would like to speak to others on here and not me, i will understand.

Jacques

Thank you Karen, their are tears running down my face, thank you, i care for you so much, i want to be friends forever too, i promise never to hurt you, my anger is always inward, that is why i SH so much, i hate myself.

My angel, i think we are both very friagile, please be gentle with yourself Karen, you have done so well staying their a whole week, i am so proud of you doing that when you didn't want to, i could not have done what you have done, you are amazing. so strong. i wish i had your strength.

hugs my angel, today is going to be an emotional day for me. thank you

jacques

My angel, i am crying because i really thought you where scared of me and wanted no further contact, they are tears of happyness, that you are goign to stay by be while so many others have walked away.

I do understand Karen, i will be more clear when i write, my moods have been so wild at the moment, going from highs to lows, fear, and anger is an outlet for these feelings, but they are only ever directed inwards, i even make sure mum does not see how upset and angry i am, i hide it well from her, i can't stress her because of her medical conditions, and i promise i would do nothing to hurt you or mum ever.

i am so desperate to let go Karen, fighting the thoughts i am struggling to control everything, the thoughts the actions the feelings. everything is spiraling out of control, i am scared of myself Karen.

hugs my angel, stay safe, you are almost home now, just a few hours then you can leave that place. sorry i have let you down, sorry i have not been able to help.