My special place

I think your husband would be far better off going to a service life ARAFMI or something similar who have a really good understanding of what it's like to be the carer/partner of someone they love with mental illness.

It breaks my heart doing this to him and the kids.

I always think they would be better of without me....they could get on with life and enjoy it..

Let me bore you with statistics for a minute so we can put thinks in perspective. There are roughly 23 MILLION people in Australia. Out of that number I am sure there are probably at least a million or 2 women your age. Your huusband chose you out of everyone else! Didnt you say you were sweethearts in school. If that is the case then he knew that you were the one for him above everyone else. He saw in you some amazing qualities that appealed to him- aside from the fact your pheromes were attracted to him hehe!

People don't choose life partners to have children with unless they are certain that the connection will add to the gene pool of more amazing humans. Now, bet your relationship isn't perfect -whose is, even without MI. Your MI, your nightmares, your flashbacks are NOT YOU. They are a result of what was DONE to YOU.

You aren't your mental illness. You are still Snowie- an amazing woman with a kinf, caring heart for others, a loving wife and mother. You are all that and more under the MI. One day, in time, you will be you again, and the trauma, MI will be but a distant memory. More accepted, more dealt with. Yes, this is easy to say all these things in black and white, but these things come my heart, and a place of empathy nd understanding.

You can't help what you are feeling now, but all you know is that it consumes you and overwhelms you until you find yourself standing on the edge of an abyss that is pure darkness whichever way you look. You can scream, but no one hears you. Or you can get angry at this mother fkn monster that rears up from that darkness, and you can fight, and fight, and fight some more until it is beaten.

You have tried already, I know, and I hear you tell me this. And you are beaten down like me. So take a rest, take yourself to your safe place, curl up in a bawl, be that little person who was hurt so badly, and cry. Let your husband see your vulnerability, and let hime take you in his arms to protect you. He desn't have to know what upsets or frightens you. His only job is to keep you protected and safe until you can rise up and fight again.

And your children won't be better off without you. No one can mother them like you do. No one can kiss their tears away like you can. No one can encourage them from the sidelines like you can. And no one can kiss them and say I love you like you can. You are their mother, but you are also a mummy that is sad, hurting and scared. If it is breaking your heart that they see you like this, not for what you are doing to them, for that can't be helped, then you care a great deal.

And you are not upsetting me. I LOVE these conversations with you. We haven't talked like this in a ong time.

@Sans911

Firstly I will mention ARAFMI to him.

Next, WOW, just just made me cry, but they are not tears of unhappiness, more so tears of thankyou for undestanding.

I know this is not me, and the me that used to be is super different to this. But I am guessing that is the case for a lot of us. You wrote:

"You can't help what you are feeling now, but all you know is that it consumes you and overwhelms you until you find yourself standing on the edge of an abyss that is pure darkness whichever way you look. You can scream, but no one hears you. Or you can get angry at this mother fkn monster that rears up from that darkness, and you can fight, and fight, and fight some more until it is beaten."

Going to do a bit of psych work and use your words right back at you! Because you need to fight this fight too. You are way too important to give that fight up, even though I know how damm hard it is to do. Will it be easy, no way, Will it be worth it, absolutely.

There is a saying that goes "At the end of the day you can either focus on what's tearing you apart of focus on what on what's keeping you together"

So my forum family are one of the things that keep me together. That make me keep going when I don't want to anymore. And I know when we are super distressed all of this goes out the window, we dont think, we just react. I think that is the time when it is the hardest, when we are at our most vulnerable.

I am so glad you are talking tonight, I know how hard that is for you and you are showing so much strength and courage. Super proud of you sis

Crying is good, my lovely sister. A bit of light relief. And shite, my post was long. That bit you quoted back at me is how I feel about my MI, and the trauma I have and continue to go through to try to get better. I scream; no one hears me. I cry some tears and hide my hurt away, until I feel ready to fight again. When I cry tears, no one holds me, no one comforts me. I just get handed a box of tissues. Only one counseller recently hugged me, and we both cried tears of frustration and pain. Geez, I so miss that person, and here are my tears now at missing her. I know you have resilience as do I. It's what tears us aparts and puts us back together. For whatever reasons those might be.

And you have strength and courage too sweetheart. You need to remind yourself of that. And you have me so much tonight that I haven't SH like I was going to do a while ago because we had this talk.It's gone out of my mind as I focus on you.

@Sans911 that was a lovely heartfelt post. I appreciate the point you were tying to get across in describing "the ........ monster that rears up" but please be mindful of the community guidlines around language. Cheers. Buddy13

@Sans911, I wish I was there with you know as I would be hugging you and not letting you go. My arms would be wrapped tightly around you telling you that together we will get through this, we won't let each other go, no matter how deep that hole gets.

I am glad you haven't SH. My SI has gone down tonight too as I focus my attention on you and some oher members of this forum. I have even delayed taking my night meds as these chats are to far and few in between. With us talking and sitting with @outlander. Such a better night than would could have happened

Hi @Buddy13, nice to meet you

We would need several of @Faith-and-Hopes buckets for the 3 of us @Snowie @outlander. Queer fact-did you know there are professional huggers in America?!!!!!

I can't wait for you to go back to 2hours. It often feels like there's never enough time to talk to you. @outlander how is your sleep hygeine routine working out?

a very strange fact indeed @Sans911

its going ok. the oils are actually helping quite alot. im suppose to be on other meds but havent been taking them. decided against it. side effects arent worth it. still go to bed late but usually sleep through for 5/6 hrs on a good night. a bad night usually 4 but better than nothing. i want to try some other 'recipies' out though

Haha @Sans911 no I didn't know there are professional huggers in America! Perhaps a Perth branch needs to be set up

We might be borrowing stealing all of @Faith-and-Hope buckets!

@SnowieOMG-There is a Cuddle Academy of Australia-NO JOKE. People get paid $80 an hour. It cost about $150 to do the course. I am serioulsly thinking of doing this.

https://www.cuddletherapy.com.au/

@outlander- have you bought some other oils? Tell me what you have and I will give you some recipes. The main ones you should have are Lavender, Lemon or Lemongrass, Tea Tree, Bergamot or Orange (from the same plant family), and Peppermint. 5 to 6 hours sleep is good lil Sis.

@Sans911OMG, I am looking at the website now. You could so do that as a job!! There is a lady in Perth doing it. Getting paid to give someone cuddles sounds super cool to me

I have gone from crying to smiling. Think hubby thinks I am more nuts now!!