UPDATE - I am not going to tag anyone, I don't expect replies. This is more for me to get some things out.
As most of you know I haven't been able to see my psych for quite awhile and I am not going to now until late January. This has had a huge impact on my mental health and I am guessing it will continue the downward incline I am experiencing at the moment. I don't really know how to stop it.
We are going to my SIL house on Christmas Day and as much as I like spending time with my husbands side of the family, christmas day is a huge trigger for me. I was SA on multiple xmas days when I was young. Even though I don't see that person any longer, it still does not take the anxiety or the stress out of that day. I try and make it a happy day for my children, but find it exhausting to put on that 'happy face' and 'fake smile'.
This is also the first xmas that I am going to have since I have split my side of the family apart. Even though I know I did the right thing, it still hasn't made it easier. My mum is being very difficult around this topic and cannot understand why I just can't get over something that happened over 25 years ago. I am also getting questions asked from my kids about when are going to see their uncle and cousins. They are too young to know the truth and I don't have answers for them.
At the moment everything just seems to be in the too hard basket. I am struggling with the lack of support and the flashbacks that seem to get stronger as the holidays get closer. I try and get through each day to the best of my ability but am relying too much on my meds and am SH in different ways almost on a daily basis. It seems to have become a coping mechanism.
I am trying to stay brave and remember what I have to look forward too. I look forward to seeing my kids smiles on xmas day and I look forward to our holiday coming up. But sometimes in those dark moments, I find it hard to look to the future. I seem stuck in the past.
If you are reading this then thanks for listening. As I said earlier I don't expect replies, I just needed to get some things out of my head and this seemed like a good platform to do so. If I have triggered anyone by talking about some difficult things then I apologise, that was never my intention.
Take care to all 💜
for @Phoenix_Rising as I know how much you don't like love hearts!!!
