My special place

I write again because I need somewhere safe to be. My mind is in turmoil, I hate myself so badly. I am fat, ugly, stupid & mental. The spouse has suceeded again - when you are called stupid & mental repeatedly it can become your reality. I have no redeeming features or beliefs about myself.

Last night, I again tried to adress this; denial again was the result. February last year I told him to leave because I could not tolerate any more. I was stupid, I contacted his mother, she defended him totally, I was the bad person. Stupidly I believed I was a member of their family. I know I was until my f-in-law died, 2 years ago. I miss him.

Now I write as I cannot sustain myself. I have a beutiful cat lying on my laptop in front of me, we have had brushing that I think he has enjoyed, for me, I just feel nothing anymore except self loathing.

How come I feel like this again, I should be all fine. I really want to cease medications, although I am scared to do so. I believe that my mind will be my own after so many years.

I do not know what to do about anything, I am so busy denying any mental health concerns. If I acknowlede how difficult this is it will become my truth. I have used this tactic for so many years.

And now - a huge disclosure: I am a drinker & self digust aligns.

💜 @Bast ....

@Bast sweety

@Bast 💜💜💜

@BastI am glad you feel safe to post on here.

Lots of love

My SI is high today. I am pleased so be going home tomorrow but scared too. It means I won't have someone to talk to if I really need it and also because in here my SH and SI is partially contained. In the outside world there are so many options.

It's also because going home means I have to have the big conversation with my mother and that scares the hell out of me. I have been writing down phrases to say to her but I am scared of how she will react. Will she reject reject me, will she say I am lying, will this conversation be too much for her to handle, will I come out as the bad person for ripping the family apart.

So many unknowns, so scary, so much to think about...

@Faith-and-Hope @Zoe7 @outlander @Sans911 @Shaz51 and anyone else reading.

You are doing what you need to do for you Hon and even though there may be all or any of those consequences it is imperative that you have this conversation with your mum for your own wellbeing @Snowie It is not just about the here and now but your future moving forward and what will best help you in doing that. The intial conversation will be super tough - and maybe the aftermath for a while - but it is not about your mother - it is about you and your needs ...and that is the most important thing for you. Sending you strength and courage to get through it sweetheart

Thanks @outlander

I have taken my meds but they aren't even working tonight. The thoughts just keep getting worse.