My special place

Actually to heck with it. I'll share something today that I wrote elsewhere yesterday.

So- 10 years ago (yesterda) I was working night shift as a nurse in Saudi Arabia. I worked in the capital city - Riyadh. I lasted 15 months. It was a very modern and progressive hospital. But I was bullied terribly and offered little support.

5 years ago I finished a 4 month contract as a nurse on the cruise ship. I flew from Miami to London where I was living at the time.

3 years ago I was in hospital here in my city with a high fever that wouldn't go down. I came to the emergency department with stomach pain as well but within 24 hours I had tonsillitis! I had every test under the sun because I'd been to Africa a few months before. Those tests revealed viruses I had been exposed to but had no idea about. And I got severe chest pain that wouldn't go away so I also had to have heart tests to see if I was having a heart attack! During that admission I found out that my sister that I don't communicate with has told my mother I had severe depression. I was severely distressed and crying on the phone to her and my brother to the point the nurses told me I was disturbing other patients. I effectively told the nurses to shove it plus some other choice words, threatened SH, and then discharged myself against medical advice. I spent 5days in hospital.

And 2 years ago it was another hot day here so I was taking my house mate to get her a fan. We never made it as I was rear ended by a young woman texting on her phone. We had to stop on a green light because the traffic was heavy. But she was travelling at the posted speed - 60- so hit my car quite hard causing severe structural damage. My car was written off.

Thank goodness the last few years have been rather boring.

@Snowie

How's that for a ramblings @Snowie 😉? Beat yours hands down!

In all you have been through, and continue to go through, has that tiny bit died @Snowie? No it's still there, and as long as it's still there there has to be something to hold on for. It doesn't matter what that is or how small it is. Don't you dare let that go! What has happened to can't be undone that is true, but in time there will be other things to look forward to that replace the hurt, the pain and the heartache you are experiencing. This much I know.

Interestingly I was talking to my pyschologist last week, and she was trying to get me to find some pleasant 'happy' memories. I could recount many of them over the years, and yes I've achieved a lot, seen and done a lot but most of those memories are marred by other's actions and behaviours. And to achieve those things that I did I had to work that much harder than anyone else or wait twice as long. So it's really hard to be proud of anything I've ever done as I see failure and sadness more than I see joy and satisfaction. It often feels like I'm not supposed to be happy, proud or satisfied.

@Snowie

I have more adventures in 2 weeks when I visit somewhere new after Christmas. I am looking forward to going away, but I'm also very anxious that I will find something to be dissapointed about.

@Snowie @Sans911 @Shaz51 💜💚❤💛💙🧡🖤

We shouldn't be judged or thought badly of for not being able to be happy but sadly we are. It's almost a crime to be sad! @Snowie

It's OK if you want to go but I'll still be here for a little while. It's 32 degrees at 8pm so I might have to sleep in the bathroom tonight. It's going to hit 40 or more tommorow.

I'll check in with you in the morning sweet. Please take care @Snowie. Despite the way you feel atm I liked being here with you. 💜 ❤️ 💙 💜