My special place

Just keep distracting yourself, it will get better, use your coping strategies...they just keep saying the same things over and over again.

My head and my heart seem to be fighting each other, fighting those urges to run away, fighting to stay. Is there any winner. I feel like I am losing which ever way I go. Losing that silent battle from within.

Listen to your heart @Snowie

It's saying to you that you are worthy, that you are loved and you are a beautiful, sweet, caring and kind person.

Your thoughts are lying to you. They are louder than your heart's whispers. Do not give those thoughts any power or actions. Your mental health is neither your fault nor does it define you. You are @Snowie

You are gentle, pure, kind, amazing, resilient, generous and giving.

You will get through this. You will get better. When? I don't know. But you will. Bit by bit. One step at a time. Sometimes we go a little backwards. It's ok. It happens.

This is not worth dying over, although I know it feels like the blackest hole where darkness prevails. You are treatable, and you will recover.

@Sans911thank you for those words. I know you understand where my head is, I wish you didn't however.

The last few days have been such a battle. Something needs to give, something needs to change. I just dont know how to change it for the better. I don;t know how to get out of this mindset. My mind keeps going to plans, keeps begging me to end it all.

It is so hard when our choices all seem to be so difficult @Snowie Holding on seems too hard but the alternative is also hard - a no win situation you are in right now Hon - how do we hold on when the pain is so huge, when our mind doesn't want to keep us safe and our body is tired of fighting - so hearing you sweet Snowie and sitting with you

I'm hearing you sweetheart, I really am. It's ok that I understand because at least you're not alone with this. Although I wish you, I and others never had to go to this shitty dark place where it feels so barren, dark and never ending. I can't give you simple answers nor make it better. All I can say is stay here with me. Stay as safe as you can, and if you can't get yourself to hospital if able. Is H home? Does he know how you are feeling? I know you feel like a burden, but could you share with him that things are super tough right now? That you're scared.

I understand your thoughts are probably silently screaming at you. If you can, silently scream back at them that you hate them. They will not end you. You are more than this. You can, and will go on despite them.

H is not home yet, he will be home soon. I told him today hasn't been good but not how bad it has gotten. I know I need to let him know, it is just hard to talk out loud. Hard to talk to someone who doesn't understand how I can have these thoughts. I am so afraid of myself right now. Scared that I am not strong enough.

The screaming is loud and clear. I will try screaming back

Thank you for sitting with me @Sans911

I know it'll be hard to tell him @Snowie

but every time you do it it will get easier. You need and deserve support hun. You shouldn't deal with this alone. You don't have to tell him exactly what you're experiencing, just that you're in a dark and scary place, and you are finding it difficult to stay safe. You need his love and support more than usual right now. He doesn't have to understand, he simply needs to not leave you alone to long. And if there is a time you can longer keep yourself safe, he needs to get you to a place of safety. Even if that's the Emergency department.

@Sans911I've told him things are not good. He is staying close by. I am going to take my meds early tonight just for this crappy day to be over. Hopefully tomorrow is a bit better, though I doubt it.

Thank you sis, you have helped more then you realise