My special place

Hey @Snowie, sorry it took me a while to come back to you. My community mh worker was here to check on me. He had a student with him. I have managed to convince him I am ok, almost convinced myself, but I am not so sure. Because if I was sure, why is my heart beating double time?

Yes hun, I have had something to eat and drink. Haven't showered in a few days, might later on. I got a good nights sleep after taking a bit extra last night. I haven't walked since Mon, and I have cancelled my GP appt as well as other things I was supposed to go to. Facing the world right now is very hard.

Are you doing any better today?

@Sans911I am glad you had you community mh worker there. I know how much we try and convince others that we are ok. Remember it is ok not to be ok. You are going through a really hard time atm. Perhaps trying to convince ourselves is the hardest.

It's ok not to face the world all the time. Somedays we just need to admit that it is a crappy day, I feel crappy and I just need to hide under the doona. Remember you are not hiding alone. We are right there with you. Lean on us and use us to help you through those crappy days.

I am okish. I still haven't talked to anyone about Wed with H and the psych. I have admitted however that today is one of those crappy days.

Hugs n hugs sis

Ok, I am not going to tag anyone in this post but after talking to HC, I think I can write it now.

Wednesday's appointment wih the psychologist didn't go overly well. H came at his request. He asked the psych a lot of questions about me, like how much should he push me, when should he back of, what questions should he avoid. The conversation was pretty much between them too. I felt like a third wheel. I had a few things I wanted to speak to my psych about but this took up the whole session. My psychologist tried to include me a few times but I ended up closing down and just cried for most of the session.

I know I should be thankful that I have H when others are trying to cope with their MI alone. He cares about me and loves me will do anything and try anything to support me. I know his heart is in the right place and I know I am lucky to have him but sometimes I feel so trapped. I try and give him what he needs and I try and answer his questions. Yes sometimes I am not as truthful as I should be. I guess it is my way of trying to protect him.

I feel so guilty that my mental illness is affecting him (and my kids). I feel guilty that unintentionally he sometimes triggers me. That because of me, his life is affected so much. I feel guilty that I am not more thankful that I have him.

I feel ashamed that I take him for granted and feel useless that I canot tell him more. He deserves so much more than what I can offer him. There are times I think he will come out and say that I am not worth it. Of course that is in my head and he is too good a person to do that, but I still think it.

Now for the thoughts that make me feel like a terrible and selfish person. Sometimes I think it would be better if I didn't have a family, that way I could not hurt them.That if I did something to myself that I wouldn't have to worry about their reactions. This thought does not sit well with me. It brings so much shame out.

I havent read back on this because if I do, I would probably delete it. I don't ecxpect a reply but thank you for reading.

evening @Snowie

firstly none of what you wrote sounds horrible or selfish. it sounds like you are trying to be honest with H while still trying to protect yourself and them from what your going through. like building up those walls.

i can see why it was so hard for you now. im wondering if maybe H would be better off speaking to a psychologist of his own? im not sure if he would be up for that but its good that he wants to help and try to do right by you. can be abit over bearing sometimes though it seems. and speaking about all of that in front of you would have been really upsetting for you.

i dont think you take him for granted, its that really hard balance of trying to communicate but trying to protect both yourself and your family. listening to your words or how ive interpreted them, you are thankful and grateful for him being there for you.

mostly though i just want you to know that im hearing you and sitting with you through the storm. hugs and hugs

Hearing you @Snowie ..... ❤️

I see a psychologist even though it’s my hubby and kids with mi issues ..... cos we all love each other and we are in this together ..... but the aspects I need to work on are better between me and a therapist at the moment ..... and even when hubby ends up with a counsellor, that will be between him and his counsellor to work on their end. I believe it is family counselling that brings it all together to a sort of meeting in the middle, when your team feel that that is the right time for you ......

I would encourage your hubby seeing someone for himself, but that can be hard for him to come to terms with at first ...... let a bit of time pass after this week ..... let H think over what has happened and what your counsellor told him ..... this is all part of the baby steps towards recovery.

You all matter ..... you matter ..... things get worked out by degrees .....

Hugs ❣️

You were brave.

@SnowieFirst of all, well done on getting that out, as I know it's been on your mind for days hun.

Second, I don't think you are ungrateful or unthankful. Looking after someone with mental illness is complex, challenging, frustarating and rewarding. Your husband probably feels quite lost and helpless at times as to how to go about helping you. He probably is aware too that you are not completely honest at times; sometimes knowing that very dark side of a MI is way to scary, so he'd rather not know. But it probably scares him terribly to see you in so much pain, mentally and sometimes physically. So he possibly feels trapped too at time, not knowing which way to turn. I don't say these things to heap more guilt nd shame on you, but just to show you that there perhaps is much more to him than you can currently see.

When someone has cancer, did they choose that for themselves? Do they choose the suffering, anguish, emotional turmoil that goes with that? No hun, they didn't. You didn't choose your MI, it choose you. You cannot help it's effects on you as much as it's effects on your family. When all is said and done at the end of the day, you are still you. You are still your inherent values, morals, principles and all the other charateristics that make you. They have not dissapeared, You are still Snowie, albeit a little damaged and in pain right now, but this is not you forever. You will come out of this time maybe a little changed, maybe a lot. But you will still be you.

I understanding feeling guilty and ashamed.Even though I don't have a partner or children, I feel guilty for burdening my foster sister so that she has sleepless nights wondering if I am alive or not. Wondering where my mood is at. Wondering if I am in hospital or home. I feel ashamed at presenting to hospital yet again, the nurses and doctors look of frustration and concern. I feel guilty I am taking up a bed that someone else more needy should have. I feel ashamed of myself for not coping better.

Yes if you weren't around anymore, you wouldn'y have to worry about their reactions, that is true. But what if beyond all this, for you at least, there is a better life? A life of love, joy and satisfaction? Do you know for sure, can you guarentee this shitty life will be like this for the rest of your days. Before you owe it to anyone else, don't you owe it to you to hold on for the ride (you have got this far and survived) and see where it goes? Children are very resilient, in time this time will be but a memory. But in the meantime, have they access to some professional service to help them make sense of what is happening to you? And perhaps H might benifit from counselling sessions of his own for a while.

I am not denying these times are really, really challenging. You, I, outlander and others here know this only too well. And yes, some days it's hard to carry on. Really hard. But on those days perhaps it might be simple things H can do to help, and the kids too. Can he cook? Can the kids do some chores? Sometimes when all we can do is survive, someone taking care of the simple, practical things can help immensely. And maybe (I don't want to get too personal here) ask H for an a shoulder to cry on literally or an extra hug.

You give so much love, warmth, humour, presence to so many others @Snowie. You have saved me, @outlander and others on many occasions, and I don't say that lightly. Sometimes I have held on because you have.

Thanks to have responded.

H has seen someone already twice, someone I don't know. I think it would be good if he makes this a more regular occurance. I will tell him this.

@CheerBear@Faith-and-Hopethankyou for understanding. It is such a hard touchy subject.

@outlanderyes it had been on my mind for awhile. Thank you hun for all your writings

@Sans911as always your writing hits me somewhere in my heart. You have made me cry but only in a good way. you have saved me too hun. Times where I wanted to give up, but your writings brought me back.

Is anyone around. Struggling with sh and si thoughts

Hi Snowie,

Sorry to hear you are struggling with SH and SI thoughts tonight. How are you travelling right now? How do you normally manage when you are feeling like this?