My special place

❄️💕 @Snowie ……

@Faith-and-Hope 💕🌹💕

This admission I’ve had has been a forced one @Snowie and it’s not something I want to happen again. The ect was going to be forced as well but I agreed to it in the end.

My own pdoc has been great and has continually advocated for me. I am so grateful for her support.

Please take care, you are very precious 🩵

looks like you've got great insight to your signs @Snowie, have you found way to prevent those early signs from worsening? kind of like a proactive approach?

that's great you've got the list handy too! i do agree, the more you practice it does get more believable. but along side saying the self-affirmations, i think working on not saying the negative stuff is equally important so it help you believe the positive stuff more. not sure if I've told you this before but "speak to yourself the way you'd speak a best friend in need" is the perspective that helps me on those tougher days.

It is much harder when it is forced @Eve7 I hope you don't have to go through that again hon.

I'm glad you have your pdoc. She sounds like someone that will always have your back. Sometimes it's so hard to find supports like that.

There have been times when I have been able to prevent things from getting worse @rav3n It has only been a few times however and I really don't know how I have stopped it. I find the downward spiral can be really fast at times and then other times it feels like a long process.

My psych talks about speaking to my younger self. Not blaming them for everything that happened. So much easier to give others that compassion we need to give ourselves.

Going to head to bed. Thanks for keeping me company tonight. Not sure if you realise how much of a comfort it has been to me.

@Eve7 Thanks for your company too. I have everything crossed that Wednesday goes how you want it to go. Will check in on you tomorrow. Goodnight hon, I hope you get some sleep tonight.

💗💗

@Snowie 💙

So I saw my psych this morning.

Spent most of the session just saying yes and/or no. She spoke about all the things I could be doing to make things better. Whilst there were some really good suggestions, it just made me feel useless that I can't even help myself.

So when I go back in 2 weeks what happens if things are no better? What happens if I try some of these suggestions and things haven't changed or gotten worse?

So much left unsaid. So much still not resolved.

Struggled to chat to someone in case I have a visitor again.

hey @Snowie i'm glad you showed up to the appointment, just being there and trying your best to engage - even if its yes/no responses - is definitely a win today. it's great that your psych had some good suggestions, there's a rush in having to try them all - you can always just focus one for a few days and if it doesn't work, slowing work through the list? would you feel comfortable asking your psych to give you more time to work through the list? i can see how trying to make changes within 2 weeks can be really overwhelming and add some pressure for you, but i have faith in you. i'm here if you want to vent or anything 💜

I don't feel like it is a win @rav3n It feels like just another appt. where I didn't say what was needed. Seems to be a lot of them lately.

It's not that I have an issue with the list. There are many really good things on there. It is just the lack of motivation and want to do the things listed. My mind automatically goes to why bother, I'm not worth it, I'm useless, there is no point trying, I'll just fail.

The main question I have that no one seems to be able to answer is 'when the want to end it all outweighs the want to continue, what happens then'.

Don't worry, I don't expect an answer. I didn't get one from the helpline either.

oh @Snowie i'm so sorry you feel that way. you are most definitely worth it, even if you don't believe it now. and when we spoke the other day, you told me how when you're in that dark place its hard for you to believe your worth and see the positive sides to things. but there have also been some brighter days where you challenged those thoughts.

it's okay that todays one of those darker days, it won't last forever and you will gain that motivation back. i was telling someone else today as well - recovery is not linear, there are ups and downs and moments where we're just stuck in the same place for a while. but that journey is not a reflection of your worth.

the answer to your question - 'want' is simply the desire/interest right - we want this or that, our 'wants' change on a day to day basis sometimes. one day i was so sure i wanted to study law and then the next month, i never wanted to go near law again. so how can i trust that today's 'want to end it' won't have changed by tomorrow to 'want to continue'? that's just my thought process, i think our brain does a great job at tricking us into thinking we can't handle things, or that we're not worth it - that's when we turn to our supports, the people who know us best and love us most - they'll remind you of how important you are.

are you feeling safe? just want to check-in 💗