My special place

@Snowie💜💜💜

@Snowie

@Sans911H is home now. I have spoken to him and told him my thinking. I ended up SH again before he got home. I haven't eaten but drank so that will have to do for now.

I don't know how I am going. It doesn't matter however how much I try not to think of it, I keep going over my plans in my head. I have got the BBT on atm

I'm sorry I haven't even asked, how are you?

I ate yesterday but H is making me something so will make sure I eat.

I have sorted out the SH, just angry with myself.

I don't know what triggered this, I don't think it was any one thing. It seems just a build up of a whole lot of small things. It feels like I am waiting again. I rang about DBT again and they havent got back to me, which frustrates me so much especially when they said they would.

I just want the SI to dial down a few notches so I don't feel like I am on the edge of a cliff.

The big emotions guilt, fear and helplessness

@Sans911

You have a lovely, caring husband @Snowie. He is a keeper that is for sure.

Try to be kinder to yourself tonight. Just because you SH, you don't need to be angry. You are doing the best you can right now, and SH is a coping strategy to try to 'awaken' other senses that you are feeling. You are hurting really badly right now, so be gentle with yourself. Acknowledge to yourself that it's really, really difficult right now, and you are doing all you can to survive this nightmare.

I know the wait is frustrating. Remember I had to wait almost 8months for my therapist. Yes, waiting is the pits, but you can't make it go. You just got to hold on for this bumpy right. You managed before when you were like this; with our support and love, and your family's support, you can get through this. I know you can.

You have nothing to be guilty of hun. Nothing. You have done no wrong. You are trying to stay strong in one of the most hellish times of your life. And if you feel guilt over things that have happened before, you have no need. Sometimes people are stronger than us. They wear us down, they get to us when we are vulnerable and often inexperienced at life. They are not worth being guilty over. Don't spend another ounce of thought on them. Crush them underfoot is all they are worth.

I know you are scared and fearful. Fearful of what next? Fear of going through this trauma and coming out ok on the other side. Fearful of what others think of us. Fearful of being misjudged, mistreated and misunderstood. You can't do anything about anyone else and their thoughts. All you can do is control your reactions to them.

And @Snowie you are strong, you have courage and tenacity, you care, you have the most loving heart, you are an amazing mother and wife, despite your MI. Everyone will get through this ok. I know it. Yes, there will be scars. But scars fade in time. And so shall the memories of this horrific time you are enduring.