Caring for an elderly, dying parent...

Hi @TAB

That's best for people who are frail-aged - my parents went into care together though I am sure my mother didn't need to but she really dropped her bundle when Dad died

Anyway - I once overheard a conversation a doctor was having with his patient whose father had gone into a Nursing Home and the doctor said something like - "It's really rough for you and other members of your family but your Dad mightn't understand much"

Anyway - Dad had to into a Nursing Home right at the end - he had lost his sight and his short term memory and it was too much for Mum and the staff where she was in care - and I would have loved to take Dad home myself but alas - I couldn't have managed in my place which is so small and also - Dad was a big man

Tough Love I guess and @Sahara - my father went quickly - maybe other people didn't think that was a blessing - actually I know they didn't but when someone is dying it's all about them - not us

Tough yards - I know

Dec

Yesterday was a terrible day @TAB, @Owlunar. @Former-Member @MoonGal, @Former-Member

My Dad went rapidly downhill around lunch-time. Finally, just after the lunch,the district nurse came to do her 'first assesment' on Dad. This is after he had already been home for 5 days ... we had had absolutely no help of support from anyone during those 5 days, other than a whole lot of care equipment being dropped off at the house - including an oxygen machine.

The private hospital who discharged my Dad told him how to use the oxygen machine, but when my Bro brought my Dad home by car, it became obvious that Dad had no idea how to use it! The hospital assured us that my Dad was in "full charge of his faculties" - which I categorically dispute. Dad had no idea about anything. He had already been forbidden from driving a car by his doctor.

Anyway, the district nurse spent a total of about 10 minutes with Dad, who was more or less only semiconscious by then.... and said "I really think he should be in hospital".

Freaking hallelujah!!

I said straight away - "I'll call the hospital right now." It was the quickest phone call I've ever made in my life.!! (The private hospital tried to fob me off as best they could, but I would not take no for an answer.

Then the district nurse said, "I don't even think you need to wait.... call the ambulance."

And so the ambulance was called. May God smile eternally on all ambulances, as this one was even quick- maybe about 10 or 15 minutes. (Nothing like the hour-long response times that you read about in the paper.)

I rode with Dad in the back of the ambulance to the private hospital, who after a series of phone calls (mainly from the ambulance paramedics) had agreed to take Dad.

My poor Dad seemed distressed and was breathing heavily and looked as pale as a ghost. However, he did agree to go into hospital. (not that I would have given him any choice at that point... just seeing the condition he was in.)

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I would just ask people to be very aware of just how harrowing it is to attempt to care for a dying person at home, without any real support and without all carers involved being in agreement about that care. I would suggest that people do not agree to discharge their dying relative home form hospital (no matter how pushy the hospital staff are- and this was a private hospital, too) without all the supports in place and without all the information available taken into account.

Iy really is a terrifying experience and I believe it will take me some time to process it.

Hi @Sahara

It does sound rough but yes, it's good that you are now on top of things. Glad also the nurse suggested to ring the ambulance when she noted your dad's deterioration. Just wished they all listened to you in the first place to save all this distress...but now your father is in the right place receiving proper care which will give you all peace of mind. I hope your Dad becomes as comfortable as possible soon and that you get some much needed rest. Please keep us updated as I will be thinking of you. Sending a warm hug 🤗💕

Omstars @Sahara

Thank God you were on top of things - that you were there when the district nurse came - and yeah your Dad had been home 5 days before anyone came - this has to be a common problem when independent people age - I feel I might be like that myself

And the ambulance came quickly - I guess the stories we hear are from people who have had to wait - and wait - etc - I have been lucky I guess but I have had pretty quick service from the paramedics and I am glad your Dad did too

And thanks for the heads-up for people who might need to know about aged parents - that must have been more than harrowing Sahara and it will take time to process it

My Dad and I had a long-running joke about dying or getting older then really old - it had to be better than the alternative - but how did we know? It was one of the things that frustrated Mum but I am glad Dad and I had our long-running and repetitive jokes

Sounds as if your Dad needs more care - maybe he isn't ready - ,maybe whatever alternitive seems better at one time doesn't seem better at another

I care heaps Sahara - keep posting

Dec

@Sahara - I am so relieved for you that your Dad is back in the hospital, by the sounds of things he should never have been discharged. What a difficult time for you and your siblings and for your Dad. May he pass with ease when the time comes. Love and hugs. Moongal x

Dear @MoonGal, @Owlunar, @Former-Member. @TAB.

my Dad passed away this afternoon. He really wanted to go.

It was very sad, but at least he is at peace now. My husband is comming tomrrow, so that will be a relief.

My siblings and I are getting a long. xxxx

Hi @Sahara

Sorry for your loss my friend. He is at peace now and with your mum. It is good that you are now getting on with your siblings. I am still in shock from the private hospital saying he was he had no real medical need to be there - how negligent. It's opened my eyes. Sending my condolences and a warm hug 🌹xx

Oh @Sahara, You were magnificent through the last week, doing everything you possibly could to ensure your Dad was cared for. His passing was swift and I am so glad he was in hospital where he could be cared for at the last. So sorry for your loss. And it must also be a relief, it is allowed to be a relief. I wish you strength, mental calm and clarity in the coming days, and good communication skills between you and your siblings arranged his funeral and sort out his possessions and home.

Love and hugs. xx