Seeing my therapist tomorrow.

Hi, seeing my therapist tomorrow afternoon. There's so much going on inside my head and I am angry with him and nervous all in one. I don't trust him but I don't have a choice either cause I am broke and he is providing voluntary counselling service. Since last July, I have seen him about 14 times. As soon as there is some trust built, there is another reason for him to be absent and I can't see him on another day to make up for it so a missed appointment means a two week gap.

He works for a charity organization, and receives supervision from other therapists. During one of my crazier moments this past week, I sent him a text message that I had forgotten his surname and if he could remind me. I got a text message back on his phone number that it is the policy of the organization not to share the personal details of their volunteers and if I was in crisis I should contact one of the emergency services. 1. The only person who knows that my asking him for his surname was a link to suicidal behaviour was him so my intimate discussions are going to some strangers in some charity group. He could have replied himself and just said that we could discuss it on Friday...but no...apparently there are several people in the consulting room with us and which I know nothing about. 2. Even before this, I have been having difficulty with the missing appointments. With my angry alter being around, I don't feel the warmth that I felt about him before. It's like looking at your friend and feeling nothing about them, they may as well be strangers...they feel like a stranger. 3. What do I do with the alter which is angry with him. I have not switched in front of him and I try too control things as much as possible. My being angry triggers the alter and I am terrified they will come out and say horrible things. 4. I want to die, there's no use in doing therapy anymore, but if I say that, it's going to be a trip to hospital for me. This purgatory...can't live, not allowed to die.

😭😭😭