Supporting my wife who lives with Borderline Personality Disorder while maintaining self care.

That sounds about right,

Was wondering if I was missing something or could be doing something better.

That rings true @tired_sisyphus - HER unpacking HER emotions. I don't think I've ever thought of it that way.

I guess that's why sometimes having that third person (therapist) helps where it is their job to unpack HER emotions.

Do you have supports in place for yourself @tired_sisyphus ? I think it's probably a good outlet and a protected time when you can unpack YOUR emotions in order to stay on top of things.

Hang in there. Sitting with you, tyme

@Determined- all good, yeah I'm aware that MY emotion will need unpacking but that's for another person (maybe therapist? @tyme).

And @tyme - I think I've got enough support to get by, although I do wonder if (when) things escalates dramatically and in a prolonged fashion, whether it's too late to cultivate a professional relationship with a therapist then? Or is it something I should do now.

These forums are excellent. Great to talk to people who get it.

Hi @tired_sisyphus ,

I definitely think prevention is better than cure. If you can cultivate a relationship with a therapist now, it will be much more helpful when you really need it for the 'big' things...

For me, I see a psychologist regularly - not because I have major issues, but it is to help put things into perspective of what IS currently happening. Also, i have 6 appointments in advance so that when the time comes, it's easier to cancel an appointment than it is to get one.

If you get a mental health care plan and start looking now, at least you have time to hop around until you find a therapist of good 'fit'. Just because one therapist isn't a good fit, it doesn't mean all therapists won't be a good fit. It will take time to find one, let alone go through the waiting list.

I also find therapists great to debrief with. You just need that one OUTSIDE person (besides family) - it can make a huge difference.

No pressure - just food for thought.

If you work, you may be able to access a therapist through the organisation's Employee Assistance Program (EAP) - this doesn't just deal with work issues. It can be home issues too.

Let me know what you think.

tyme

A 'good fit' therapist is soooo important @tired_sisyphus . You may have a very knowledgable therapist, but if they are not a good fit, the therapeutic relationship won't be very effective.

Conversely, if you have a not as experienced therapist, but they are a 'good fit', then both can gain from the therapeutic relationship.

That's why, when people say 'psychiatrists are not helpful' or 'psychologists are not helpful', I feel it unfair that we categorise ALL therapists based on one or a few 'unhelpful' experiences.

But yes. Surviving a carer's role definitely needs a 3rd 'outside' person.

All the best 🙂

tyme

Hi @tired_sisyphus
In support of what @tyme has said and to answer your question, while the forums here are invaluable, I think there is great benefit in finding someone (Psychologist/ counsellor) ahead of time that you can build a relationship with. So that in times of trial you can get more benefit from a debrief.

For me that took a few failed attempts.
Worst case the advice was to leave my wife and children as my happiness and wellbeing was more important than them.
Standard line was to do silly breathing exercises and self talk to convince myself how awesome I am. Not totally dissing mindfulness, it has its place, but for me that was not in the middle of supporting a loved one through a crisis.

When I finally found someone who was happy to debrief and simply unpack my emotions the benefit was dramatic.

I tried for too long to persevere by myself while maintaining a full time high pressure job (particularly after being told to pack my bags and run away) and suffered a major burnout as a result. So based on my experience I can not overstate having adequate supports around you.

I am now blessed to have an amazing supported work environment but I have also learned to draw on supports, freely and genuinely offered from family, friends and our church family rather than cover up and pretend all was ok when it was not.

Hope that helps, happy to clarify or answer any questions.

Bit scattered at times but you may find some benefit reading back through his thread. one of my key motivations about trying to be honest other than debriefing was that our journey may help someone else so they didn't have to make the same mistakes I made.

Time over I hope I would do things in a more healthy (for me) fashion, but also recognize that I disregarded most advice on the misguided notion that it was my responsibility to support and protect my family and that accepting help = failure and letting my family down.

Hope that helps.

Kudos to you @Determined . I agree.

hey @Determined , really appreciate the detailed response. I'm grateful for your thoughtfulness and thank you for your vulnerability.

What is especially enlightening to me is the 'failed' attempts both you and @tyme spoke of. I (and Mrs) used to have the notion that therapy is like GP's - they can all sort things out. Wow, were some of the results disastrous. So much so that Mrs no longer trusts professionals. She's recently found peer workers helpful though, so that's a good start.

I can share that I've been frazzled the last few days. Mainly from work. Can't exactly claim 'high pressured' but there is pressure. I haven't been reacting well. Good thing Mrs has been ok lately but I shudder to think of the day when neither her nor I is operating optimally.

I will take some time to read back through this thread too. I've gone back through a few pages already. Getting the feels.

Thanks again.

I hear you @tired_sisyphus . My heart goes out to you.

I wonder if you or your wife are eligible for our guided service? https://www.sane.org/referral

She'll have a bit of consistency when speaking to peer workers (if she wants). I've attached the link above.