Cancer took my husband of 40 years. Not coping.

Hi @Starta

I haven't lost a husband to death but I am a bereaved mother - I know grief - and thanks to @Shaz51 for the shout-out

What you are going through is unpleasant and quite normal - you were married for a long time I have the feeling I have spoken to you before

It's very unpleasant to have to grieve - that's why they call it grief work - it's the hardest work you will be asked to do in your life and it's strange that people misunderstand - a huge part of you has gone so what do you do now

Well - chat here - there are a few of us who know complex grief and you are in the right place

And I also have a couple of contacts to add to the list

Grief Line is a lelephone and on-line counselling service - if you are in Melbourne you can ring 9935 7400 between 3.00 pm and midnight - you might have to ring several times to get through tonight say - it's better to ring in the afternoon when there is less demand.

And there is also a national number - 1300,845 745 - I guess this applies to Victorian regional areas - you can find their website on-line if I have made an error with the numbers - this number is for Landline only

I am not sure if Grief Line offers on-line counselling but you can check by typing it into your browser - also try Grief Online - I don't know much about that contact

But I do know Grief Line well - I was a Telephone Councellor some years back - a long time - and from time to time when I have an anniversary or something sets me off I use the service myself.

All the best Starta - I might be here for a while - I was just planning to read messages this evening but I feel this is very important

I wish you the best and I will offer what little help I can

Dec

@Owlunar. I'm sorry to be a bother..this week, I can't get him and his pain out of ,y head..I nursed him at home until the last two days,.its the memories of his pain that's hurting as much as I miss him so much....

You are not a bother at all @Starta - I don't know how you feel but I do remember my son - he died over 30 years ago and he had an MI and he was so unhappy and so confused - in some kind of pain

So - everyone grieves differently - and I really understand - as well as grieving your husband's loss you are grieving his illness too - I know - and it is confusing - in your mind things don't always match up - sometimes you are relieved that your husband's pain and suffering is over - other days it's confusing - you want him back but to have him so sick again - uh ha - no - we don't want that - we want our loved ones back but whole

And that will never happen

I have no right words to say - hearing someone say to anyone that they are sorry for another's loss screws me up inside - and yet when my son died no one said that.

btw - I think your loss is fairly recent - I will have to look back - and you have adult kids who live their own lives and you are alone with your grief

One thing I can say is that it's okay to have days when you feel all right - the depth of our grief is no measure to our love - they are different

And also - when people say that my son wouldn't want me to grieve I argue - I would be so unhappy in heaven if no one grieved my passing - it is natural to be grief-stricken and to cry

But I think you are doing that - crying - and you are alone and there is no one to reach out to - no one who would understand - and maybe there are people who say that you have had 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months, years, decades to grieve and aren't you finished yet? That is so hard because there is no time limit - we need to cry it out of us

But what do you do tonight - you can ring the phone numbers people have given you - or not - we will be about for a while

So - does it get to you at night?- or through the day? when you see other couples with each other or their children and grandchildren? I know the tight chest and fast heart beat of anguish - it is really hard to hold on through those emotions

How have things been since the last time you posted here? Have you had things a little easier and suddenly they are back - Bang! Crash! - and you hoped it was all over!

::Let me know a little more - I will be hear for a while and you are not a bother Starta - you are grieving and it is a really hard way to live

Sending hugs

Dec

@Starta

I don't know what to say but just wanted to let you know sitting with you also at the moment.

I supported my mum in the months and years after my Dad passed and it was hard so can empathise with you 😥

@Starta

Just wanted to let you know thinking of you again today also. My dad also was lost to cancer. That is over 13 years ago now. Mum cared for him until the end with in home support. They had been married just short of 31 years.

Having been mums primary support afterwards (my siblings dealt with things by running away and staying away) I am realy feeling for you at the moment. Wish I could give you a hug but sending a virtual hug.

Having your children feel distant may well be because they just dont know what to say or do rather than they have forgotten. It can be hard for a child. It was hard for me seeing my mum who had been outwardly so strong fall apart.

I hope it does not offend as I am sensitive to feelings and beliefs but I will pray for you and your family at this difficult time. I trust you can find some strength and comfort. I am not online as much at the moment as we have a lot on but happy to talk whenever I am around if it helps. I will check in just in case.

I am around too @Starta .....

@Faith-and-Hope@Determined...I wanted to die last night..I rang a lifeline emergency number and spoke to them before I swallowed the pills.....So I have another day to get through, then another and so on....I lived for my hubby, I loved him, but he had narcissistic behaviour..living to Please others only, I'm finding it difficult to live for me...I wake in the morning and I am lost, confused, because I do not know what to do....I either stay in bed or on the lounge...waiting for what I don't know...but I do know that I cannot continued like I am any more...I do not go outside my house if I can help it..sometimes weeks at a time, only going out to my psych appointment...

Try to think of yourself as your own best friend @Starta ... if you were employed to care for someone such as yourself, what would you do for them ? You would start by making them some sort of breakfast - toast and tea will do - so make yourself some toast and tea, and serve it at the table ..... turn the radio on .... tidy up afterwards .....

Its a learning curve @Starta. Just take one baby step at a time.

Hi @Starta

I read back on some parts of your thread this morning and I see that you were married at 18 and that your husband was everything for you and you can't get past his death - and this is really hard

A lot of people have answered your post and you are back today which is good - the Forums help me a lot and it's keeping in touch that's so important

I see you find it hard to live for yourself but also that you have several grandchildren - as hard as it is to refocus your life with your grief for your husband that is what you have to do - and I am divorced - I had been living in an empty marriage for a long time and I do remember how I had to change things and make a life for myself and I understand - it is really hard

I get it that it is really hard for you to get out of the house right now - but what comes to mind is all your grandchildren - can you find a life for yourself being in touch with them.

I see your sons are in touch with you often - maybe they are grieving too and could really use a guiding force in their lives and it might be a long term exercise but trying to build bridges with your family is a start

And it's not easy - it is never easy - it is worthwhile because you are a person and you have a right to have your own life

It's hard starting and again - I do care about your change in circumstances

It's actually called "The Empty Arms" - I have been through this - when you care for someone for a long time and they die your arms are empty - and it's very bleak and lonely

You find yourself with nothing to do so often after working so hard - I get it

Dec