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help with bpd family member

Lt72884Senior Contributor08 Jan 2018, 8:37 am AEDT

help with bpd family member

Ello:) i am new here. I have been loking for a forum for bpd and i hope i am in the right place.

First and foremost, i love my wife and i am not throwing her under the bus, even though it feels like it.

Her mother has bpd to a high degree. Before i married her, i knew something was off with jer mother. I thought bipolar because my father has that. But after we were married, about 2 years later, we foumd out her mother had bpd.

My wife is following the exact samr patterns and has been told she has it and its wearing me out. I am scared to death to come home from work and school because of her blaming me for everything. Granted i had my issues and yes i jad an addiction before i met her but due to stresses and chaos, i slipt right back into them. However, 5 months ago, i becamed clean and have been for 5 months.

There has been so much hate and anger back and forth, even to the point she was hitting me and in my personal space that i ended up using my head to try to get her out and i accedentally hit her nose, causing it to bleed perfusly. Yes i told the cops and the doctors. It was not on purpose.

I now have ibs because of the anxiety from this all. I am in therapy. I am trying to get her tk go,but it scares her. She is not refusing, just scared. She does not work at the moment because that scares her as well.

Even as i write this, i have anger and resentment. The one thing that triggers me the moat and cause violent outburst from jer is the following:

"Matt, every morning when i wake up, i feel you stealing my energy and energeticslly attacking me"

Or

"Everytime i try to be myself or think of things, you sabatage all of it energetically and pull the rug out from under me"

She does believe in energy medicine and what not. No big deal. We are active christians and as an engineer and physics dude, i know we are energetic beings.

But to blame me every morning for stealing jer energy is driving me nuts. She has called me so many names. She hates it when i am calm and cool. It makes her even more mad.

Thanks and so sory for dumping this all out

4 replies

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In response to: help with bpd family member

Unknown userMember08 Jan 2018, 10:38 am AEDT

Re: help with bpd family member

Hi @Lt72884 and a very warm welcome to Sane.

Firstly I would just like to say "well done" on making wise healthier choices to stay clear now for 5 months. That takes strength and resilience and will see you a better quality of health and life. This will give you a better chance also to better deal with the situation at hand better. That's a great achievement

Has your partner received a professional diagnosis? Or has she been too scared to attend help always? This really is the first step to obtain for the best treatment, and for her to help herself and receive adequate support to sort her issues.

What I have read throughout your post is your frustrations of being blamed for her feelings and perhaps shortcomings. You are what I call "the scape goat" which is what people turn to in order to shift their shortcomings to another in order to avoid addressing their own mental, physical or life issues. The next step is when she blames to put the emphasis of the problem back to her refusing to be blamed.

Then Pointing out the reality of the situation very calmly. Calmly stating she needs help and walk away. If she gets mad keep remaining calm so things don't escalate and she has nothing on you to use to blame. This may make her eventually look at herself and think about what you said. This may prompt her to become responsible for her action and self care which ultimately is in her best interests as well.

If anyone hits you my friend that is never to be tolerated. By that I am not saying hit or touch back as that is going down to the same level - but domestic violence can go both ways where woman can assault. Mental issues and/or stress is never an excuse for this. It's abuse. If she keeps doing it tell her you will tell someone (don't be embrassed to) as you deserve respect as much as she does. That way "you are setting boundaries" or what behaviour is unacceptable towards you, and reclaim your personal space/dignity that "is not to be crossed". If thiese boundaries are not voice and put in action if the situation arising again, the disrespect and violence it will just keep reoccurring seeing people hurt and the relationship detoriate. These boundaries will also making her responsible for her actions which ultimately is good for her to become a better person. If this is an ongoing issue please don't hesitate to phone the organisation "respect" which you can google in your state for farther advice and guidance.

You mention having IBS because of the on-going stress - this clearly is having a detrimental effect on your health already. You have slipped back into addiction in the past to escape this ongoing chaos and stress which puts your safety, mortality and longevity at risk - your job at risk, your mental and pshycial health at risk. So this can become a very serious situation. If it were me I would be having a serious discussion with your partner about her taking responsible things to seek her to work out her issues that are inflaming this chaos for the longevity and sustainability of your relationship and presenting. At the moment it's toxic and bringing you down. She can be assist by someone initially if she is scared to attend on her own. She does not have to talk about everything first up - the issues can be eased into in time when she feels more comfortable. The important part in therapy for success is to be honest and open.

Your partner needs to stop blaming everyone for the way she feels and to take some responsibility for her own actions, reactions and how she treats others to enhance her own quality of life and those around her. She needs to mature and taking responsibility will help towards this. Children will blame others all the time. I wish you both the very best on your endeavours to gain some peace, healing, happiness and a better future 😊

In response to: help with bpd family member

Lt72884Senior Contributor08 Jan 2018, 8:04 pm AEDT

Re: help with bpd family member

-Enigma- thank you much for your reply:)

Im trying to be as compasionate as possible. I do admit that my baggage was no joy ride. I grew up with a bi-polar father and there were some times where violence was his only way of doing things. I jave been professioanlly diagnosed with ptsd and cptsd. And granted having an addiction didnt help her out.

Now, she has been professionally diagnosed to a point. My therapist told me she had bpd tendencies because her mom has been professionally diaged with bpd.

The hell she has been through is unfavible to me. The things that i jave seen happen to jer from her mother is crazy crazy. Very very hurtful to my wife.
I mean, if i am suffering the way i am, i cant imagine how my wife is. But yet i still get resentful. I try to be humble.

Her dad just divorced her mother a few months back. The relationship between my wife and father jas gotten better, and frankly, ours has to once my addiction stopped. Still, she has her major meltdowns.

When i try to give her reality therapy, she gets so triggered and says i am just denying the truth and unwilling to see it. I told her today that what she sees in me is a big reflection of herself. That was so not the best thing to say haha. I did stay calm and she hates that, but hates when im mot calm.

As far as her seeing a therapist. She went to one aboit 3 months ago, but it was just once. Now, her reason to not go back was valid. The therapist was not heared toward bpd and it seemed more like general.

She has spoken interest in seeing someone to get help about her childhood. But she juat gets terrified. She feela everyone hates her and wants to attack hr wmotionally. This ia why she is having a hard time getting a job or going to school or progressing in life.

Here is wjat is odd. As of this last august, she had 2 jobs. She worked at michaels arts and crafts AND was the admin assistant at a high school i taught upper division math, chem and anatomy at, oh and was doing part time sxhool. But now, as of august when we moved so i could finish school, it s like i hve progressed and now she has regressed.. so strange. However, tomorrow she ia going in hopefully to speak to a employer:) praying that works out for her.

I agree, physical violence is not tha answer. Yes i was hit many times as a kid, cops should have been called, but they were not. My dad and i talk about it offten and he is learning to forgive himself. He went threw hell as a child to.

Yes, i have repeated some of my family patterns and i am changing that. I am doing my best to handle this but waking up every morning with knotts in my stomach... that sucks. I am what they call hypersensitive due to my past. The slightest tone change in a vocal pattern, i CAN get hurt feelings. I am very senaitive and internalize. I did that as a kid and still do it. I jave tried not to and i end up on the extreme side of cutting off all emotion including love, peace and joy, and end up angry, hatedull and bitter. Its hard for me to find inbetween.

I was able to difuse the situation today but i had to somewhat give in and take the blame. Though i looked at it in a scriptual way and said agree with thine enemy.

Anyway. I have downloaded two new books. Understanding the borderline mother and walking on eggshells(or landmines in my opinion)

Thanks much and i will continue to help her in appropriete ways

In response to: Re: help with bpd family member

Unknown userMember08 Jan 2018, 10:20 pm AEDT

Re: help with bpd family member

Hi @Lt72884

It was good to hear from you again and I read your post with real interest. I really appreciate the time you took to share this. It sounds like both your wife and yourself suffered childhood abuse. To share a little of my background - I suffered horrific childhood abuse at the hands of my mother where my life was attempted and where I endured sexual, verbal, emotional and physical abuse. As a result of that at the age of 7 I suffered what they called then multiple personality disorder (now termed DID) and psychosis for about one year. But never had another episode of both those disorders since. I was though in my young adult life diagnosed with bi-polar and underwent ECT treatment as meds were not working at that time (they did helped later on).. Borderline personality disorder was not recognised then so I can't say for sure whether I suffered this at any stage as I have never had no formal professional diagnosis. I could lash out like your wife and I escaped through alcohol being an alcoholic for 10 years back then. I was in and out of relationships and this was mainly due to fault on my part. I really didn't try until I met my now beloved husband of 23 years and he is my rock.

I could very much relate to what you witnessed happened to your wife at the hands of her mother as being very crazy - and how hurt she must of been. And I so admired your understanding, patience and the obvious unconditional love you offer your wife. This is very special. My husband is the same. He said the same thing you said of your wife - what I suffered was unforgivable. And he was very patient, supportive and loving of myself. And this helped me tremendously otherwise I may not be here today.

He did point out my flaws though as it was adversely effecting him and our marriage and I reacted ngrily as your wife did at first too. But I did not want to lose him so I did work on my anger (it did get through to me after some years that I can't treat others like that). I needed those boundaries to improve my own stability - boundaries I never had as a child. Otherwise sustaining relationships and a better me and quality of life would of never been possible. I now can make and sustain friendships as well as a result and hold down responsible positions.

It is so complex @Lt72884 and every one's story and situation is different. For me I discovered a lot of my depression/self harm was from suppressed grief and anger of the trauma I went through as a child. I had to work through this in therapy....it was a long drawn out process but my mental health improved dramatically (finally) and I am largely uneffected by this now and have moved forward. But I still have to push myself everyday and stay away from triggers, people and situations that bring me down . And I now finally control my emotions and reactions so much better. But Mornings can be bad for me- I often wake up with anxiety attacks (followed by nightmares at times and poor sleep) which are awful and frightening. But the anxiety goes throughout the day. I am still trying to work out why the morning anguish occurs.

Has your wife ever considered childhood trauma and grief therapy with a therapist who specialises with this - or a psychiatrist who has a special interest in this area? This helped me. DBT therapy could help her as well as that is the first line of treatment for BPD.

I agree with you that it is hard to find a balance - a middle ground with regulating emotions (love, peace versus anger and hate). Some years back I had so much trouble with anger because of the abuse I endured - I had to learn to manage it. My values are similar to yours and this does help control that together with coping strategies a learning to let things go and refocus on more positive things. Anger took all my peace once and I won't allow it back. I agree with you there - staying calm is the best way.

The books you mentioned sounded very interesting - enjoy reading them. Would be interested to read what you found helpful in them if you have the time in the future. I so hope things work out for the best with your wife and she finds some peace and happiness - and for you too @Lt72884. 😊

In response to: Re: help with bpd family member

Lt72884Senior Contributor11 Jan 2018, 9:12 am AEDT

Re: help with bpd family member

Sorry for not replying lately. School started monday and i missed it due to FOOD POISONING;) Thanks Del Taco haha

Ok, so i am still out of it a little bit right now. My brain hurts.. haha.

It may be a little bit before i can gather my composer again to post. for the meantime, enjoy the rest of the week and be safe:)

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