rough time

@outlanderI know I put a lot of guilt onto myself and blame myself for letting them down. We used to do so much on holidays and now it seems like we do nothing.

@Sans911 ok if your sure..

I would be super grateful for one of your hugs. I havent felt invalidated by anything youve said but thank you for being extra careful. I do know that everyone has their own experiences etc its just really tricky to naviagate. Its kinda like walking on egg shells all the time. I dont ask for support from anyone offline anymore except professionals. I know its not their fault either its just the way things are but you are right it is very much sucking the life out of me and can be very hurtful at times.

I hesitate so much to call helplines and I really wasnt in a good spot and that call made it so much worse. I dont like wasting anyones time esp when there are people in crisis who really need those helplines.

Another person left yesterday, someone else I was close to. There are some really big achey heart feelings happening for them and those who are either here but not 'here' or those who have left.

And yes, I do feel I dont deserve to be here, I know you and others say I do but the thoughts of it all can make it really hard to say anything or be here or reach out for help esp before things escalate more. Yesterday I had so much on my mind I thought maybe I should leave before I wreck something else, or before I loose the rest of my friends here. Im not going anywhere, no I wouldnt do that but thats the sort of state I was in yesterday. I am always so afraid ill loose the ones im closest to here even though I know the anonymity etc does pose that risk but it does frighten me. I know you and many others get that feeling of either quit while your ahead or things are going ok but it your always on youe toes that something bad will happen or things start to go right and something bad does happen.

Yes articulating feelings are still really hard for me, I think mostly because ive always had to be quiet or shut up or when I tried to ask for help I was shut down so now ive just learnt to internailse things (so i guess thats where 'running' come into it as well) instead and usually unless its one partiucular emotion they just feel all smooshed together. i think ive become abit better though since being here and talking more and at least trying to get something out..

The saying of 'treat yourself as you would a friend' makes things sound easy but it really isnt.

With finances ive no idea where im going wrong, each payweek I sit down and work out my basis then see what is left over to see if I can add just abit more to another bill or put some aside. It never seems to work out. The bills arent in my name so I cant seek help unless I can get pop to come with me- they are in his name so it need to be run through him.

I can try and arrange something, it is so hard and embarrassing. But I know I need those medications as well. Im not hadling the pain so well and the infection I doubt will clear on its own. Im hoping this person will buy the thing they are looking at which would pay for those and abit of change.

i had a look through my medicine cabinet and i actually found 2 pain meds still in date exactly as my dr prescribed from the last time. so ive taken one of those now and should be ok till tomorrow morning then can take the other. it doesnt take away the struggles but at least i might get abit of sleep tonight which would be helpful.

The christmas holidays are when I feel the most guilty @outlander. We didn't go away last year because of me and promised them that we would go away this xmas. I want to keep that promise but have organised nothing and would not know where we would go. They don't understand what I am going through and I don't want them too. But at the same time, I feel like I am taking all the joy out of their lives.

Thats a good idea @outlander. I don't want to let them down again so will try and do something with them over the holidays and get away for at least a week.