rough time

go ahead sweetheart, you are not making it harder at all for me @outlander

ok, im not tagging anyone into this.

will breifly go over these points..

Finances an family- im super struggling with finances. trying to pay bills, and appts, and live is really hard. i actually asked pop if i could borrow abit to pay for my hand specialist the other day and he has been on my case ever since. i haven been paid as yet and ive told him that and when i get paid i will pay him back in full, hes been on my case about whether ive paid my share of the bills etc and it feels like a never ending battle. my pop said some really hurtful things behind my back to mum and of course she told me one or 2 things- god only knows what else hes telling people.

Psych visit- didnt go that well, its abit scattered amongst posts on this thread so wont repeat it.

GP appt- mustve hid how i really was as she didnt notice that i wasnt doing that well. anyway have a new diagnosis of extreme allergic reactions to pollen, grass weeds, dust mite/dust and dirt etc. It also caused allergy induced asthma type symptoms so need to be more weary. mostly controlled by my environment, meds and in the spring time months posisbly an inhaler to help. i always though i was unfit but it turns out its abit more than that.

Hand specialist- ive got a new finger support underneath the cast so its more comfortable now. again i dont have much luck with people. She talks over the top or stops me off mid sentence and starts to talk about something else which I do find quite rude but at least my hands getting fixed. and thats all that matters atm. She listened to the part where I said id prefer to do xrays before moving it and she said that she wasnt sure if its necessary but for peace of mind she wrote up the refferral and will do that 2/3 days before I see her. I see her next monday. She was checking the sensitivity of my hand and she thinks theres nerve damage in there. Every second day im to take my splint off and place my hand on a towel and just gently wipe down so my hand moves on the towel kinda like getting the senses back again but very slowly. She has already warned me that its going to be quite painful for a little while until we can get things working again. Im not even up to physio yet. She said a lot of this damage got worse because it wasnt treated in the first place so make recovery longer and harder than normal. Itll be bay steps. Once we check the breaks again and its healed more then our sessions will be around 3 or 3 weeks apart with very small exercises- very small incriments. she is right it is very painful. a soft towel feels like im rubbing it against rocky concrete. it still gets burning pain like its on fire but my finger is actually cold and still get pains in my hand/arm and elbow so still need to try and massage very gently

ok.... the hard part. taken me quite alot to be able to write this and i apologise if its jumbly.....

that night i went offline i really wasnt doing well at all. i didnt know what to do with myself and over the next days it become even harder. i felt very shut down and alone. i felt i couldnt ask for help, not worthy of help or anyones time and energy and even more so i was embarrassed. i really feel like a monster that wrecks everything, that whatever i do is wrong and thats the way itll always be so why bother.the darkness totally engulffed me and i could see anywhere to go. i shed no tears and felt nothing yet i felt everything too. i felt a big piece of me going away and has been taken- like id lost my part of my soul- something really deep inside that said enough is enough. it was calm at one point- very scary now i think of it. . i kept hidden, barely spoke or left the house. i kept the routine of take the kids to school, feed the horses and attended appts. i felt (and i cant seem to shake them all that much yet) but the feelings are that im unwanted, that im no good everyone is better off without me, that i dont matter and the only way i matter is by pleasing others. that im such a dissapointment that even the mh professionals think im a waste of time (and todays session didnt help at all) i feel very selfish and like im letting everyone down and dissapointing my forum friends here so ive been very embarssed and have struggled to even speak of it or to come back here and find what to say to anyone. i am actually scared to ask for help now, i fear saying 'im struggling' or 'can i have some help please' i dont know if thats good or not.

i have been rather emotional the past day though that ice rattling in a cup set me off. like what you get from maccas and i honestly wanted to throw it out the window but ended up driving faster and gritting my teeth till i got home. thankfully was only a few minutes away.

i just feel like this complete failure right now and i will never be good enough for anyone.

@outlanderI just want to acknowledge how hard that must have been to write. Will respond soon to it

You are enough @outlander ..... ❤️

You won’t always be surrounded by the people who can see that, or give you feedback that they see it ..... but you are.

The hardest part is seeing it for yourself, and without positive feedback from family and friends around you, that is really hard too .....

So for now you have us. We can’t see you, but we can hear you ..... and you write from the heart, you reach out to others from the heart, you serve others from the heart, and you create from the heart. You are all heart ..... and that needs protecting from people who don’t know what to do with it.

Treat yourself gently. Be your own best friend ..... do for yourself what you would do for anyone else you cared about ..... and if you don’t feel it in this moment, then hold to a promise to look after yourself for a time in the future when you can feel it .....

Hugs @outlander ..... it’s okay to feel numb and empty when life is overwhelming. It will change. Things will change. It won’t always be this way .....

@Faith-and-Hope

what you wrote for @outlander was so beautiful

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@outlander

Hey sweetheart, you have things going on in so many areas of your life right now.

I was just wondering, are you able to get a centrelink loan to help you atm? And then I think you pay it back out of your fortnightly pension? May help just to get on top of things.

Im sorry to hear about the additional diagnosis. Wow, have you ever had asthma?

I’ll be so relieved for you when your hand has settled down for you. and good on you for telling her you wanted x-rays done. doctors can be dismissive at times, and we need to be assertive with them. I hope the pain eases for you soon.

It breaks my heart to hear what you have been going through mentally *big hugs* … I know I have said it before, and I will say it again, you are one of the most compassionate people I have come across. And you aren’t disappointing anyone at all. You need to look after you, be kind to yourself, and love yourself. don’t judge yourself for needing some time out.

I so wish you weren’t going through all of this, especially at your age sweets. You’ve had to mature so much faster than another 19 year old. I just wish things could settle down for you luv.

@outlander

You have so much going on that it must feel overwhelming. You are not a failure at all. You are trying your best under such difficult circumstances and that is enough. That is all we can do, is keep trying and keep going with those baby steps.

I can understand being scared to ask for help.

I also get a feeling that being unheard, especially from professionals does more harm than good. If you continue with this psych then you need to tell her this. Tell her that you feel unheard and this is a trigger for you.

hugs n hugs sis

@outlander

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