rough time

Hey @outlander, I'm glad to see you back, although I am sorry to read you're struggling.

The past few days havent been good. I couldnt ask for help in my own head, I didnt know how to ask for help. It was all just too much and Im tired. So so tired and sleep doesnt seem to help. I just feel so yuk and horrible and dont want to be around.

Therapy- im not sure if it is a good idea. Im starting to regret it, its bringing up so many things all at once and it just seems to keep on coming. Im not sure I like her but again no other real choice with the mhcp running out quickly. I find she puts me down a lot and im not sure if theres somesort of method behind it. When we were talking at the last session on thursday I gave my opinion- well not an opinion just something I had learnt. It was just what I learnt about my emotions sometimes and how in the past id shut them down and being distracted- she snapped at me and said 'well it seems you have all the answers then dont you, why did you come here in the first place if you know this and that (the only real opinions ive had in therapy was discussing some of the things id learnt about my emotions and how I learnt to deal with them) I guess she doesnt like me having an opinion. She made me do an exercuse with her then she snapped at me again because she thinks I didnt do it properly. My homwork for the next 2 weeks is ro focus on one memory she picked that day, let my anxiety run wild while breathing through it then do a relxation exercise. Havent even done that yet.

Emotional Wreck- I had a shower the other night- night before last. And I lost it emotionally. I had a panic attack after I got out of the shower and felt so pathetic at how I was struggling with the basic things atm like a shower and getting dressed. Managed to get myself together got dressed and then I had realised that the platic bags id used made my splint wet and I had a spare so I thought I change it it takes 2 people to change it so I asked pop if he could help me . I know he was trying to help but it was so painful, he twisted my finger really hard instead of trying to listen to what I was saying- undo the tape abit instead of pulling and pulling it while trying to wrap it but he didnt agree with that. I then lost it again and ended up sitting in the bathroom again for abit trying to regroup myself then went and layed down in bed. Im having trouble sleeping so much- both getting to sleep and staying asleep then trying to get back to sleep.

I keep gettting so worried over even the minor things that often I think maybe im misinterpreting. But its at the point that I either throw up, go numb, have a panic attack or I start crying. I dont know why.

Meds- hink mightve over done it abit- and very little concentration- thought I forgot my mood stabilisers so took a really high dose twice, done the same with pain relief. Havent been feeling that well but I cant ask for help. I was mostly trying to rest through everything yesterday. Bed was the safest place or maybe im just not trying hard enough.

My nans birthday was 2 days ago but she is an angel now but I lost more than just a nan when she passed. And her date of passing is coming up very quickly.

My pop has literally been ranting at me today so much that I can hear him but the darkness is seeping in more and more and was like watching a dark mist spread. I tried to get away from it but if I do that then he gets more upset or angry at me. The pressures of school holidays are already getting to me.

I feel like everyone would be better off without me, I feel like the worst person in the world because im not what everyone wants me to be and im stuggling to keep up with the all the expectations of it all but if I dont then they not like me even more. I just feel like I dont fit In anywhere. Ive got no friends and ive tried to make new ones. It upsets me that I really dont have anyone, I dont have anywhere to go and I dont have anything specific to do. I feel like I have this nearing expiry date. I feel like a failure.

@Sans911@Queenie@Snowie@Bella1978@Former-Member