rough time

i dont know how to get it out @Sans911 its all there but its blocked in my mind. like a bottle with a tightly closed lid. it all stays inside and cant get the lid off or when i do it might explode

@Sans911 sorry to hear it 😞 xx

i dont know if i can @Sans911

@outlander@Sans911 Ladies I am off to bed I really hope that you are able to at least get some sleep so that you are a bit rested. I love you both and hate to see you both in pain. xxxx

goodnight @Bunniekins sleep well

thank you, that would be nice @Sans911 @Snowie

@outlander

i dont know whats right anymore. whats real and whats not. i cant control my own thoughts including the SI and a few specific thoughts popped into my head about that... ideas.. really just feel utterfly worthless and unwanted. i feel ill never be good enough for anyone and my efforts will never be enough no matter what i do or how i do them.

ive been getting so much anxiety around the horses and being there im not finding all that enjoyable. it really just feels like another chore. its a big effort to even go there but i do it anyway. i dont really have anything else to do and its still a big part of me. theres 2 parts- theres one that says that part of my life is over then the other side is telling me not to give it up, that its part of me- part of my soul.

ive had alot of dissociation happening alot as well. sometimes i dont even know its happening or happened. i just seem to miss parts of the day, or convos ive had or going somewhere and im already there.

i feel like theres something going on internally and it is very unnerving not knowing what it is or if it getting worse. theres so many things that need to be done i feel like a walking test subject. i keep missing appts because i forget them even though they are written down in front of me i just cant remember. the dr told me my chest pains were casued by either anxiety or whatever is causing my stomach troubles. im having more 'flutter; type feelings really often the past few weeks.

seeing my pop have moments lately are getting to me a little more than usual because im worried about him grieving (the funeral is done now which i think is the hardest part) and how hes coping and also with winter coming he gets more aches and pains as well so need to keep a closer eye on him but not letting him know. if he knows im noticing things he will try not to show it. need to use peripheral vision and radar ears alot more. ive gotten paranoid abit he slammed the cupboard door tonight and being in the shower it was muffled i didnt even stop the shower i just threw on my towel and ran out to check on him. he just gave me a funny look like what are you doing. he was fine so got to finish my shower.

i feel like a total dissapointment to everyone. i dont know who i can ask for help from because i dont want to burden anyone. i dont want to dissapoint, i dont want to hurt anyone else. the other part of me that is struggling to ask for help is the part of me saying that people just dont care (not on here), so why bother them, that im old enough to just deal with it on my own.

theres something in me but i dont know what it is. its like... i dont know i just feel weird. i dont know whats coming, i dont know if im going to be ok. i dont know if im going to break. i dont know anything but i feel very strange indeed. the lights are on but no ones home but yet im functioning relatively ok. maybe its auto pilot so dont really need to think all that much but wired at the same time. i feel.... like a broken toy that no one wants.