rough time

@Lee82 , Nat hasn't said anything yet, doesn't mean she won't though. You can not, not be completely open and honest with me and Izzy that's not how this works. I am pretty sure that how healing works is you are 100% open and honest about how you feel and I am pretty sure you and Izzy agreed on complete honesty and if stop now being open and honest what is the point. Izzy and I a glad you don't see my outburst that way, but when I read them back through (and I have done that a lot since I posted them) I can still feel the anguish about not knowing if you where ok but it is tainted a some rage as well. And that is the pet that is in no way ok. Izzy is right that is not love nor is it friendship 💜Nikki

My daddy is not well and is in hospital again. I haven't spoken to him in over 14 years. My Aunty keeps me updated about him. I was told this morning by Nat that I never had any proper parental guidance and of course I arced up because no matter how short comings my dad is my dad and I miss him so very much. This song was banned in my house by Izzy's exh2 but he is not here anymore is he. 💛 Bear

https://youtu.be/8kFr7IJBmz0

My chiropractic appointment was an absolute nightmare. James is awesome and Exh2 had made him aware of the DID before I started seeing him and he is very aware when something is wrong with me ion the table and he always stops and asks me if I am ok and if I want to continue. Today he had to stop a few times but even though his touch was was terrifying me I had him keep going because I badly needed the adjustments. I am fighting the urge to go scrub my body clean. Last night a little while after you went to sleep, I was folding some of D2's flannel shirts her father had given her and completely over took by fear of having "him" so close to me. I had the shirt resting on my chest. I feel nothing today when exh2 hugs me, numb and nothing.
@Lee82 💛Bear

I didn't mean to bring out your rage Nikki. I didn't mean for any of what happened last night to have happened. I am so very sorry for that. It was my fault. If it helps even a little bit I didn't feel the rage at all instead I felt worry, urgency and passion. These are all human feelings that can be felt and expressed in very different ways for everyone.
I hope you are ok and safe right now

@Former-Member

@Lee82 💖Izzy

https://youtu.be/a7ZwTzkz1Mw

@Lee82 You can not blame yourself for MY lack of control. There is absolutely nothing for you to apologise for my love.

Izzy has the connect to her BFF not me so this is very new and quite frigging terrifiing place I find myself with you. But just so you know I wouldn't change that in a million year. Love you 💜Nikki

I'm so sorry about your chiro appointment. That would have been very difficult to get through but guess what....you got through it babe. It may have been terrible today but you persisted with it so maybe next time it will feel a little less terrifying. I am proud of you for sticking it out honey.
If having a shower and scrubbing yourself will make you feel better then go have a shower sweetie. It may help you feel more safe, relax and comforted.
Bear I think what you are experiencing is izzy's feelings and that's ok. Sometimes our body shuts down to protect us from feeling the emotions and I think that's what's happened. He is no danger to you right now. He is just comforting you. He seems like he is a great support and help to you. He has shown you for a long time that he is here for you now he may not show that in the way you feel is right but his heart is in the right place.
here for you sweetheart. @Former-Member

I feel your pain in that song Izzy. I'm so sorry you are feeling like that right now gorgeous. Please don't shut me out. Please keeping talking to me. Please stay here with me. Please be safe and stay safe.

Tears are running down my face because I care about you so very much and it hurts me so much to know you are going through this and all I want to do is wrap my arms around you and hold you until you can no longer cry no more.
@Former-Member I am here for you and always will be. 💗

Lee, I am not allowed to shower when I am like this because it's all easy for me to remove a couple layers of skin trying to get clean. 💛Bear

@Lee82

Nikki, thank you for your kind words. It means a lot to me. I am so glad I have made an impact on you I just hope it's a good one. You have made an impact on me too. A very big one. ( a good one )

can I ask and please be honest. How are you feeling right now?
@Former-Member