rough time

How are you? Hows your day been @Sans911

Slow day here. I've not had anything to do except for volunteer walk.

I'm really quite easily irritated this week @outlander. I feel quite snappy and mean. When I get Ike this I try to stay away from people otherwise I tend to shoot from the mouth and upset people. Including me. I had to send an email to another volunteer & had to edit it several times.

I know I do it to myself that I take on tasks and responsibilities and later regret the fact that I will just keep doing those things. Then I become resentful and angry, like now. People unintentionally take advantage of me. And I don't feel I can speak up in a diplomatic, non confrontational way nor can I stop what I'm doing (the approval & gratitude from others when it happens is good). It's a wicked edged sword.

Still not in the best of spaces. I don't know if my break will be helpful or not. The last break I took after Christmas 2years ago was awful.

I know what you mean @Sans911 it all feels complicated to try and manage. Mental health can be so damn hard and frustrating to navigate. Hearing you lots 💜

Your break? Are you going to take a break from your volunteering for bit?

No break from volunteering. Just over Christmas and New Year as the attendance drops off.

Since my late 30s I have gone away somewhere new from boxing day until after new year. My pattern has been one year to a cold place and the next would be somewhere warm. I haven't been able to stick to that pattern in the last 4 years with everything going on because I either couldn't afford it or I was too unwell.

I had a really bad break up in my early 30s with a partner I stupidly adored. It happened on New Years eve in the company of his friends. He accused me of lying about my past and using that to make him feel sorry for me. He also said I smothered him (metaphorically speaking) and many other things. I'm not sure what was worse. The accusations of dishonesty, the humiliation and the rejection or the fact I never saw it coming. So I go away every year to try to create new memories. Even though it's almost 20years later, it still affects me greatly and I've never recovered enough to have a long term relationship since.

So this year I'm going to stay in my state, but I'm going somewhere new, a days drive (well, I'll break it into 2) and warm. I really wanted to go to New York but it's out of my budget. So I go away Boxing day and will return a few days after the new year. I explore, I rest, I sleep, eat good food and try to enjoy myself. My mother will look after my cats for me.

@outlander

the breakup sounds really awful @Sans911 im sorry you went through that esp on whats normally a special occasion and in front of all his friends too.
going away for a few days sounds like a nice idea. create new memories and rest and recharge too.

thank you @eth xox

do you get a break over Christmas? @Gazza75
the smoke here has been pretty bad too, mostly tried to stay inside and was hard to breath. hopefully we get some much needed rain so itll help get rid o these fires.
yeah im usually quite Christmassy but barely got into it either. cant even get my tree up atm because of mums stuff here. most will be sorted tomorrow though so by the weekend I should have my tree up.