rough time

@outlander,you have helped along with @Sans911 and others kept me going.I'm on a walk now, last night had to come late because I was triggered and had both high depression and anxiety, knew I had to escape and I say you are like that today.Just take deep breaths my friend because I know you feel at the end of a rope. Your Pop must be worried, I hope you have contacted someone to let it out.Keep safe.

Just read you are home @outlander.

Sorry @Former-Member i realised it made no sense. I drove for close to 5 hrs come home, took sleeps and only just getting up. My pop wasnt worried he was out most of the time anyway. Hes off helping his friends today.

Thanks foe understanding. I dont know what to do with myself

Know that feeling well @outlander and when I need a calmative that's when I know I'm at crisis point .

@outlander - stop beating yourself up my angel. You're not a hideous fool, you're a person suffering immense pressures and difficulties who needed to shut down. Although not an ideal coping strategy, you did what you needed to do at the time. You have punished yourself enough. Let go of the guilt, the shame and the self depreciating talk. Just breathe hun. Maybe it might be worthwhile talking things over with the HC or another helpline

I went to my nurse earlier today and went well for a little bit which is the hello how are you sort of thing.
We talked about the new social group and she said as long as your sure thats what you want to do. She sounded like she was doubting me which now has me self doubting alot.
I told her about the horse ride i had and she gave me the talk again then tried to fix it by i never thought you would ride again so i guess its a positive.
Told her about the medications etc that im on now and the psych sessions im trying to get into as well.

But I really lost it after i found out how much weight i gained yet again despite everything healthy ive been doing. I then got the stress stomach as this was the tip of the iceberg and threw up luckily made it to a bag. I thought i was ok until i got to my car and started crying again. I done something and then drove for hrs before coming home.

My dr wont perform tests for another 2 weeks for the ulcers etc, but she increased some meds yesterday and the ones that are causing the weight gain i told her im stopping them. The weight is destroying me.

My nurse said im sure its the meds and she said could be stress causing hormones all over the place.
i feel even my own body hates me. I have done everything she told me to do i havent given into temptation exercise everything and i still gained almost double digits. I feel horrible that happened in there and i feel stupid. I feel so i dont really even know anymore. Ever since being awake its all coming back and full of emotions. I tried a long shower and putting a movie on but hasnt helped and i tried giving myself a job to do but i cant stop these thoughts

@Sans911 i am getting really tired of it all. I try and try and it is breaking me. I want to be strong and get through this but i dont think i can.
Ill see a out contacting hc before they shut i just dontknow