rough time

I completely understand you thinking the current situations you are in are 'normal'. Without any scope of reference to base your life on in any other way you can only do what you know and are presented with in the here and now @outlander All the previous life events have been based around you being responsible for others and that has neglected yourself - so self-care, future goals or 'knowing yourself' have not been opportunites for you to consider or embrace. You have not grown up with positive social or familiar connections and much of our development in that area has been missing for you because of your responsibilities - that makes it super hard to think about now. We cannot know what we cannot know! Maybe this is a good place for you to start with your supports - I do know that one thing you are fearful of but also want is human connection. Unfortunately you have not had those posotive experiences growing up and they have not been part of your everyday development, nurturing or experience. The only way to move beyond that however is to begin at the beginning. You have previously joined a couple of groups but not found them to be the right fit for you - much of that is as much to do with you not knowing how to be in those groups as it is that interests were not shared. Finding somewhere where you belong is a major barrier on its own but you can also only find that by trying out new things, new groups, new people. You connect here with many - the next step is to find those same connections in the offline world. One of the major barriers here is you self-esteem - you need approval and recognition for the positive things you do but all around you is negative energy. We often take that as a given, as a normal course of events and our self-esteem is ruled by the negatives in our lives. You are more than what you do but you are also the only one that can find yourself - and that is where your supports come in - to help you find direction, to help you break out of the negative mindset, to help you erect those boundaries and to help you work out where you belong in this world.

As for your mother - that really is her issue. If anyone contacts any authorities because of what she does or does ot do in regards to your sisters then that is her burden to bear. I understand you feeling like you might say the wrong thing but wrong is sunjective - if it is the truth that you are living then it is not wrong. What is wrong is your mother expecting you to drop everything and look after your sisters and what you need to reconcile yourself with is that they are not your responsibility. To be perfectly blunt - your mother is neglecting her role as mother by palming so much of it off to you - you are not an employee and you are not their mother - and quite frankly you are letting her have a life of her choosing rather than you have one for yourself. That I know is a hard thing to get your head around when everything in you says protect your sisters but you also need to loosen the reigns for your own wellbeing. ...and the more you do for others, the more they expect until there is nothing left for you!

Jumping in to send some hugs @outlander. I hope you're doing OK and being gentle on yourself. There's seems to be a lot of tough stuff coming out today.

It can be so scary and hard to change things. I see that you're working on change often and that you do want to move forward. You're trying all the time and you've made huge progress (even if it doesn't feel like it at times or isn't easy to see).

Mega love to you. It's tough, especially when you have so many things and people pulling at you and you're such a caring and giving person, but you're doing it ❤

It may also be a good thing for your sisters to be able to make decisions and learn to stand on their own 2 feet as well @outlander If they have everything done for them - especially the older one - they will have no appreciation or understanding of how to deal with things when they do not go their way - they also need to build up some resilience and learn to deal with things themselves. Your role is as a sister to them not as a carer and the more you do for them and the more you fill their time without them being able to do that independently will inevitably put added pressure on you as they get older - and also may not let them know what it is like to face life without being given everything they want.

It is good to hear you stepped up and gave your opinion and reasoning to your family about the separate rooms - that is a step forward. It is something you can work with your pdoc and psych about as well.

I understand the groups were not a good fit but you also have not sought out anymore since - maybe that is something you can also work on with your supports. Your challenge is going to be how to relate to other people - especially those your age or around your age - as you have very different responsibilities than most ...maybe you could find a carer's support group to start with - somehere to begin even if participants are a little older - it would give you similar experiences and situations in common and build those outside connections. Maybe you could start a support group for yourself in your area - of people similar in age even where you can all share the ups and downs over coffee, a walk or even riding the horses. Something to think about anyway.