rough time

Good Morning my beautiful cyber-grandgirl Claire @outlander 🙂

So glad to hear from you, what an awful day you had! Loads of love, gentle hugs & stinky smokers kisses on the forehead!!
We've just had a Super moon, I wonder whether the nightmares might worsen during certain periods of the Lunar cycle. I don't know if it's fact or theory, but I believe the reason people & other living creatures 'lose the plot' or change their behaviours during 'Full Moons', has to do with the gravitational pull affecting the fluids in their bodies; in particular their brains. The Super Moon occurs when the moons orbit is the closest it can be to Earth, so I'm thinking the gravitational pull would be at it's highest point. If the theory is true & it is the Lunar cycle that's worsened your dreams, then you might feel a little relief in knowing the cycle will wane now & the dreams severity will lessen 🙂

I've heard a few things your psychiatrist has said that has kind of knocked my socks off, is this the same one who would focus on your weight? I know the 'too many pills' syndrome, although mine are almost all self-chosen herbal or natural pills with only 1 prescribed, but I take about a dozen every night {including 3 Horse tablets} 😉 Have you told the Doctor that you don't want to increase the weight loss 1 because it's too big, maybe you could take a couple of lower dosed smaller ones? But what pills you want to take or not, what Doctors you want to see & what you want to talk to them about or not - it's all your choice 🙂 and I happen to think you make some pretty good ones ❤️

The fact that people are contacting you for your knowledge and experience with Horses, means to me that no job in that area, defines you - your skills & expertise is what is defining you 🙂 I'm so proud of you 😄 The fact that the horse was just sleeping, to me . . . is absolutely hilarious 😄 😄 Though, I'm guessing, a bit of a bother when it comes to wasting time & fuel & the likes. Congratulations on not only having your 2nd jobs Boss approach you & ask you to return, but for negotiating your individual works standard! SO proud of you!!!

Though I'm a bit worried, I think I can see a pattern forming, that maybe I've seen before. One where you have so many things going & so much to do, you don't have a moment to scratch your nose! Here's a little Nanny Niqua nag - try not to over-extend yourself, when you start something, let it run it's course for a little while; like letting the dust settle so you can see clearly again before you move ahead & start the next thing 😉

I guess your Mother is always going to be your Mother. 12 messages in under 5 minutes - WOW . . . I think that could be officially classed as harassment ?!? I think your Mother knows & believes in your skill and expertise with horses, sounds a bit like she was panicking a little & really relying on you & your judgement. Good on you for telling her you knew what the owner said, stop with the messages; you were absolutely right, you can't know what you can't know any quicker than the pace of the info you get 🙂 Your Mother knew you were aware of what was going on, I really see it (all the messages) as just plain harassment.

With everything that you deal with on a day to day basis, the sleep deprivation, the gut/nutritional intake problems, flare-ups, & then injuring yourself in such a painful way - no wonder the electro/chemical imbalance from the constant pressure of messages, made you throw-up! My poor Claire ❤️ The strength that you exerted, the pressure you under-went, the love that you showed; resulted in a better suited horse for your youngest Sister at a better suited price 🙂 Well Done 🙂 & guess what . . . I am so proud of you! ❤️

That's a nasty injury that your describing from the saddle nail & unfortunately one that definitely needed that awful tetanus shot! {Do you get the 'dead arm' thing happening?} But one of the wisdom's that you have beyond your years is the knowledge of how to treat an injury and how to recognize infection; so I know I don't have to, but the Nanny in me wants to nag . . . keep it clean & keep an eye on it, get it looked at if it gets red, or hot, or weepy! Nag, nag, nag 😉 ❤️

I'm so sorry the Tornadoes spinning so harshly right now ❤️ I think I need to plonk myself on your couch; if it's got a corner bit, that's where I'd pick & I'd be wishing there's still enough room for you to lay down. I'd pick a Documentary show to watch, something that doesn't lead the thoughts away quite so much; I could pick an animal one, but they can be sad - so I reckon a Universe one, I like getting Off-World in my mind 😉 and facts are often just as fascinating & exciting as fiction 🙂

You know, I've just had a thought, I think I'd combine both fact & fiction & we'd watch a DVD about Planet Niqua! An Exoplanet {a planet outside our solar system that orbits a star & may sustain our life-kind} with orange oceans and yellow Islands 😄 It's set a little in the future, it's one that the Planet Earth beings move to once Inter-Universal travel was established 🙂 And this Planet balances electro/chemical processes in the bodies of all life forms upon it. Everyone and everything is well-balance . . . not necessarily happy all the time, but never always sad ❤️

Maybe with something like that playing in the background, & a Nutty Nanny by your side - you might be able to pinch 1 of those 'Nanny naps' & sneak a little restful sleep in ❤️

Love you Claire ❤️
Niqua

@MDTthank you for your kind words, think ive got a few bolts rattling around that cant find those nuts so they arent very helpful at the moment (kinda like questions and worries with no answers!).

You get embarrased when I put hearts there but im on computer so abit of embarrassment wont hurt lol

@Sans911 im hearing what you saying, I just hate being a burden even more than I already am. Sometimes I will a breakdown to come so I can just breathe for abit with no responsibilities, no expectations. I will always get the hatred but I cant control that. Just have to learn to deflect it somehow. Honestly it does nothing for me. Having constantly doing something for everyone else or having those expectations has taken my love of helping people away. I will always help people but when im always doing it, it takes that specialness away from it. I know others appreciate it and their smile and laughter and seeing them get that confidence they didnt have is my reward but it gets smothered by everything else happening.

I know I have to deal with the trauma, I just worry how much of that therapy I can handle esp with larger gaps as ill be spreading sessions out to last ( only have the 10 medicare sessions) I have 3 sessions before I have to renew it so want to use those first. Im sorry you went through all of that, I know abit of your story but not a lot which I dont need to know but am here to listen if you want to talk ok... we can be terrified together then

@Former-Member the only problem with being knowledgable Is that someone always wants something. I tend to ignore msgs a lot now unless they are urgent as I can see most of the msg when I scroll my screen down without clicking on the msg. Well not ignoring but just putting aside for the time being. I also know the quiet paddock times so can go there to do my work and to also do things with my horse too without being bombarded by people. Please take care of yourself today as I knows its particularly hard for you today

@Faith-and-Hope

well written indeed! Through your own caring/life experiences from what I know of I know you get this side of it even without being in the same situation. I didnt think of it as being a self-carer. The hormonal cocktail seems to be silent and slow often without knowing it or it becomes normal to the person. I think my body is screaming at me but I cant exactly just drop everything either so I need to work on it through other ways. Just not sure how exactly. I think I need to find an app or something that I can daily check ins or monitoring but I cant seem to find anything and when its on paper I often leave it. I do journal but sometimes I just done want to journal everyday so its not exactly realiable to be a monitor. From the GM thread as its relevant here too- I know it all adds up. Sometimes the stress of watching people struggle for a simple task like arguing with a pram with a simple solution right in front of them is more than going in and saying open the friggin gates.

And thank you for your wisdom here too

@Former-Memberlooney lunar! Hmm maybe that was it! Maybe now its passed that phase things will ease again hey.

Yep its the same psychiatrist who keeps pointing out my weight and focussing on that. I was on suppliments so self chosen however with the rest im on I just cant be bothered taking them all.

I see my gp on monday, so will be bringing it up with her than. Im not increasing that dose and when I told her I was having trouble with it she told me to crush it but they dont come smaller but dont want to keep crusing either. It takes forever and I still have to manage to swallow them after all the rest so I only take it when I can manage it.

Ive been told by a few people that the new person my boss hired is so unreliable, is a sloppy worker and is quite rude to people. And they have to always be right and dont own up to their mistakes. That worker will still be there but not on the days ill be there or my boss so prob only the 2 days out of the week. The thing about knowledge is people like to abuse that. I have a tendency to ignore- well not ignore just put aside for the time being now. And I chose what and when I answer msgs unless they are really urgent. I get people all the time- none horsey people- saying the horse is sick- yesterdays description was the horse is in labour. One its a gelding and 2 we dont breed on that property nor do we allow foals there. I thought it was colic so rushed down there.

Theres a nw houseing estate being built across from the property so lots of people comment all the time even if they are laying down they think they are sick. They have a fb group for that area and they write up all the time- the people who have horses in the paddock theres a horse laying down and think its sick- its sleeping!! I thought there was something wrong as it was in the dip and couldnt think of the code for the gate nor did I think to grab my key so hurtled the fence and went over while the lady is yelling- its over there! Is it sick! Is it having a baby! Its funny now but wasnt at the time. I ahd serious medical thinking cap on lol trying to assess conditions they are describing only to find it was snoring!

I know that pattern is reforming but I also let myself slip a lot at that job and will need to learn how to not let it get to that point again. I wont be this time my 3 days are it, any other days gets diverted to whoever is working that day and I want nothing to do with it esp organising feeding! I hated that so many people are hard to get in contact with people, contacting for their payments etc. nope not doing that again. I just need to learnt o stick to that and also work out how to help myself more in certain areas to cope, and not goet so overwhelmed by things and my mother doesnt help! Yesterday was ridiculous. No she wasnt relying on my expertise, she was being pushy as the lady with the horse wasnt replying immediatley. She works for gods sake! Ive had worse than that before Niqua, this one was only about the horse. You should see some of the crap that gets said when it comes to my mental health or appointments etc and then if my mother gets cranky and she tells her bf as you do then I cop the msgs off him. I told her about that too and that has stopped. Yes my sister got a new horse and the lady that I helped with the saddle was scared to ride however by the end up if she was riding around enjoying herself. So the injury was worth it however after showing her the injury she is speaking to the people that made the saddle. Im not sure I can speak of it here though as it might identify me but further actions are being taken

I didnt get the tetnus shot in my arm- no that wouldve been better but they stuck in in the same area as the gash. A few choice words come out then. Its nice to be reminded, thank you

I dont exactly have a corner piece but there is a longer 3 seater lounge along the wall plently of laying space- I tend to vacate there when I was sick when sisters were living here. Watching Planet Niqua sounds good to me, little brain power needed yet interesting. Perfect.

Love you too

@outlander it can be hard to find that balance between doing to much and not doing enough i find! i really hope that the 3 days at your job goes well for you. Just remember you are important also and deserve to self care. I hope that today goes a bit smoother than yesterday for you hun *hug* take care