Should I attend my family Christmas lunch?

Hi @Former-Member.

I read your post and was struck with how difficult it would be to be in your situation with your brother. So sorry to hear you went through all of that. It's totally understandable that you'd be feeling torn right now.

At the end of your post you gave yourself two options and one of those was suck it up. I don't know about you but it situations when there is a history of deep pain and fear, I can find it really, really hard to suck up around people. It will almost always come out in some way. I can snap or turn icy or teary or scramble my words with nerves or shut down completely. Sometimes the way it comes out can cause even more problems for me than had I not sucked it up. The other option you gave was to give in to your feelings and run away. Maybe there's a middle option between both of these choices.

Is there a way you can use this lunch as an opportunity to talk with your brother about how you're feeling (you said he does not know how you feel) and what you would like in the future? To me it seems like you're left dealing with the consequences of his behaviour and that sucks massively. Maybe in putting it out there in terms of how you're feeling, it may put it back on him to face up to what he's done in a way that you can be civil with each other in the future.

If you do go to lunch, are there boundaries you can set that might help you get through it better? Conversations that are off topic, behaviour you wouldn't accept, discussions that you'd like to have before you go etc. and a plan (that your mum knows too) for what you will do of those boundaries are crossed?

I am a huge believer in listening and paying attention to gut feelings, and trying to be led by them when I'm faced with a hard decision. I guess that sounds like where your therapist is coming from when they suggested you pay attention to the sick feeling. When my head wants to do something, my heart wants to do something else and I am torn between them, my gut is there to help. This might sound totally fluffy and maybe a bit ridiculous but my counsellor (one of my most helpful helping people) started teaching me to pay more attention to the feelings inside me. Sitting and trying to zoom in on that feeling, asking where is it, what does it feel like, when does it happen, how does it start, does it change and when etc. We explored when it has helped me in the past. It is where I can try to find the answer to the question "is this right for me?", which I think is a really important question.

I'm not sure any of what I have written is actually helpful for you. It's a really tough one for you.

I hope that whatever you decide to do, you are able to feel ok enough and that you get through it ok too. I'm interested in hearing how it goes for you if you'd like to share.

OMG I've worked it out.
Thank you both.
I was stuck looking at it as all one thing or all another, stay or go. Best case, worst case.
But in reality you're right, there is a middle situation and it's probably the best way to go.

We always have nibbles and champagne first and then sit down to lunch. So I can stay for the first bit and when I get too overwhelmed I can run out saying that I'm meeting some friends.
Mum also suggested that I go yarn shopping during lunch as there are some sales on and yarn will make me feel less stressed than mooching around or watching a movie, feeling stressed.

Perfect, I stay for a little while and be polite and keep doors and options open, and escape when those yucky feelings get too much for me.
Ahhhh..... sooo much happier now I know what I'm doing and I'm getting the best of both worlds.
I was seriously seriously getting massively stressed and upset about it all.
Thank you again, as PR would say, you've helped un-muddle my muddle.

🎉 @Former-Member ...... 🤗💕

Great to hear you've found something that feels right (or right enough) for you @Former-Member! Very cool ☺ Really hoping it goes ok for you.

Enjoy that yarn shopping too! I'm a little jealous of that one. I am on a self-imposed ban from craft shops at the moment 😉

I've just scrounged some old prn benzo-s from a few years ago to take the edge off tomorrow. <br>I can do this. <br>It will be okay.

You can do this @Former-Member and we're all right here if you want to vent or share ☺

You've got this @Former-Member. 😊