Weird feelings.

Your welcome @Lemonjuice. I did have some complex emotions to deal with around my decisions to ask my daughter to move. I was scared I would lose her. I handled that by keeping contact, letting her know I loved her and supporting her as much as I could while she was living away. I knew I could not continue being abused by her lack of care, anger and disrespect no more (I put up with it for years). I had to weight things ups - it was like you said with your nephew, I would of lost her anyway through the alternative. And that would of been worse for her. She was also in debt and she expressed that and some anger in the beginning also; I was also wondering how she would manage but still asked her to leave - and it worked out.

I could not cope with all the stress anymore and told her that we (her dad too), were getting on and needed to downsize (we bought a new townhouse) and could not physically handle all the stress anymore and she now needed to stand on her own too feet and could not move with us, but we would always be there for her. She wasn't happy with that at first but eventually came around to the idea after she moved out. There was no other way as the stress was destroying me...

Fast forward - she is coping and is actually happier for the independence - it actually made her a better more stable person; with some help from us at times, and it was the best decision I had made. We are much closer since being apart and I am feeling a bit better about me since the disrespect/abuse has stopped. My depression eased. She knows I will be there regardless.

I did risk losing her but I think there has to come a point in time where we have to make decisions that act in our best interests before we are led to despair. When it reaches such a desperate stage there is no other way. That's the bottom line really. Sometimes there is no choice but to make those changes and see what happens.

I also didn't have a life for a long time and we do lose ourselves quiet a bit, I get that. It is now for me about taking a few risks and getting out there and doing the things I always wanted to do or just savour the peace from all the stress of the years and just allow myself to heal first. I now go out once a week with a friend I have made - this would not sound like much of an achievement to many - but I so enjoy it. And just through that interchange (conversations) am learning more about me and enjoying life more. Just those little things....spending time in nature, talking a walk along the beach, cross stitching to relax - And I volunteer to help others for some hours a week.

I am finding out in small steps what matters to me now as a person, what has meaning for me then I pursue that as an individual within my own limitations, and that all helps me to discover who I am, helps me grow within and start liking myself for a change. I do have my ups and downs still though, but with that stress lifted feel so much better. Hope that makes some sense.

I have to go up the road now but will be back later if you wish to talk further. I am glad it's helped a little. I am here for you xx

Hi @Lemonjuice

Thank you @Lemonjuice for your kind words for my family. That means a lot. My daughter is doing a lot better - she seems to be happier when working at her job longer hours (she is off on work cover and is getting a bit down with boredom presently, but hopefully she will be back into it soon). My husband struggles with health issues - so we take that one day at a time presently which seems to help and we support each other.

I enjoyed our chats - I am glad it helped you. I think talking things through openly is healthy; I am so glad you posted on here. I hope things will get better for you and your family, there's much to think about that may help bring that about. I am here anytime you want to talk about anything at all. Sending a warm hug 🤗 xx

Hi @Lemonjuice I only just stumbled on this thread.

@Former-Memberis great at giving heartfelt support.

This thread in particular was just like my mind was for about 10 years. All the rationalising about suicide and the euphemisms. The reasons for & against, the delays, bargaining and negotiating. I hate that you are going through it now, but I also felt a little liberated knowing I am not the only one whose mind has been stretched in those ways.

You re stronger than you think and obviously have a lot of experience in choosing care for your family's needs.

Many people who dont struggle with the MH issues downsize as a management & parenting strategy. Eg a lady who is head of genetics in a major metro uni hospital. At first I was shocked but then eventually I started to think that way my self. If it is an option, It can add a lot of clarity and help with boundaries where they have not been easy to establish as a matter of course.

Young adults need a little help reality checking regards money management and pulling their weight. It does not matter how hard the childhood is. Eventually they do have to face those facts and not expect you to provide all. In the long run it will be doing them a favour.

You deserve some sunset time. Thats what I call it for me. I have earned grumpy old lady status and some enjoyment. It has taken so long to be able to feel any enjoyment in life.

Take it slowly, but when family turns in against itself, it needs to open up and have a little fresh breeze blowing between the trees.

Get a council worker in for help with your mum and bathing.It is giving someone a job and you dont need the stress. The extra person in the house might encourage her to behave a bit better. Old age lasts a long time and you could concentrate on quality time.

I have a few friends who work in aged care and they are often breezy and good natured and maybe your mother can grow up a little. Her needs could devour all of you. It is scary losing control and privacy, and I feel for her, but ...

Being in the same house is not abandoning her. Having sanity out of the house is a basic entitlement in this day and age. The services are there.

There seems to be a thing about allowing lil ole ladies to get very demanding. Not pretty.

I am gonna get my being demanding in.

I want more online friends. I like them having an education. It makes life more interesting and bearable. It is also a part of the economies that are not purely financial.

I have spent most of today on the site and need to get going soon.

Take care

Apple

Look after you. Purgatory is s**t and can wait.