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I have a feeling that I ought to die but there are reasons to live. I can't suicide now cause...well it's Christmas...seems like bad manners...lol. I want to go at the end of January. I have it planned out to the smallest detail. There are reasons to live and to die. I feel nothing...like it doesn't matter that people will be hurt. I don't feel scared of dying. I smile, function and I want to die and feel wounded all at the same time. I'm going to uni...that's good. My family situation is crap. I'm constantly being verbally abused. I have little in way of money. I have gained weight. Everything and nothing all at the same time...overwhelmed. Step one...stop seeing my counsellor. I am going to see him on the 5th of Jan. He's a good guy so I don't want him to be blamed. I need to get some distance between him and my ending it. Sorry. I don't want to upset anyone...they shouldn't be upset, they don't know me and this is good...finally peace and no more pain.
I can really relate to your pain - many on here do and you are definitely not alone. You are right - there are a lot of reasons to live. It is never a good idea to make any major decisions when depressed as our thoughts can be deceptive and it's hard to think straight. Life has its rough patches I know only too well but i also know that the pain can eventually pass and in time with the right help and support - it can get better. We never know what wonderful life experiences lyes around the corner and if we are not here we will never know. You matter, your life matters. I mean this sincerely. And there is a reason and purpose to your life that will make a real difference. Please trust me.
Is there anyone you can reach out to and talk about how you are feeling? Is there any safe haven you can escape to for awhile away from the verbal abuse? A friend or relatives house just for a bit? You have little money now, but that will change in time once you complete your uni degree and obtain employment and this will open up many more opportunities for change for the better. What are you studying? Do you have a counsellor or similar whom you can talk to about how you are feeling at uni? Are you feeling pressured by the workload?
You are young and the world is your oyster filled with opportunities and adventures in the future to look forward to. There are many other young people struggling as you do - please reach out and tell someone how you are feeling as you are not alone.
Are you seeing a psychiatrist and receiving medication for your depression? I don't even know you but it would pain me if you hurt yourself. I know you are feeling nothing now - numbness is common when depressed and part of the illness. As that is what it is and can be treated. Life can turn around for you - please hang on.
If you still feel suidical please don't hesitate to ring Lifeline or speak to a @Former-Member here. You will find this a very safe, friendly, understanding and supportive forum to belong to. It is quieter today because of Christmas, but others will eventually jump on and share with you who will totally "get you" as I do. I am here for you if you wish to speak further - there is no judgement here just genuine care. And you are worth it. Sending a warm hug 🤗 x
In response to: Weird feelings.
KobeCatSenior Contributor
Re: Weird feelings.
Hi @Lemonjuice
KobeCat here, I am the overnight moderator.
I am so sorry that things are so terrible for you right now. This can be a tough time of the year.
Do you have someone you can speak to right now? If not, we know some really helpful services. Unfortunately, we are not a crisis service, but some places you can call now for support are;
You have shown great courage in reaching out for help & I hope you continue to do so. You are more than welcome to continue the forums, but if you need help immediately, please call one of the numbers above or 000 in an emergency
Please take care of yourself and let us know if you are safe,
KInd regards,
Kobe
In response to: Weird feelings.
LemonjuiceSenior Contributor
Re: Weird feelings.
@Former-Member<br><br>I'm 50ish...lol, let's pretend I'm young. I'm doing a degree in psychology. I'm on antidepressants but they haven't really worked, it's been about five years now. I'm also a carer...so I'm kind of retired. The studying is more like a life line. It's the only thing left...never married, never had my own kids, no friends, couldn't work for last 25 years because I was a full-time carer for my parents. I lost everything. I was extremely overweight and had surgery and lost most of it. Thought that finally, I would get my chance at life. It felt great to be normal size, to go to uni, to be moving without pain. Dad died, I had panicky feelings and depression so the doc put me on meds. Over the last five, I have gained back a lot of weight...big fat failure me has returned. My nephew and niece who live with us, can be selfish and my nephew has anger problems...I raised them...they are good kids but they didn't have a good start in life, which is why I raised them. I'm trying to be strong for everyone but I'm doing it with no help and mostly everyone working against my efforts...ie, mum who is in her 80s won't bathe...we have to have fights every friggin time. If I ask the kids for help, it's later which really means never. I'm exhausted trying to make miracles happen everyday with no help or money. I'm done. I did try for many years to get better but the truth is, I can't get better because I don't like me, I hate myself. I know there is an afterlife and I know I will be ok once I die. It's not suicide, it's euthanasia, mercy killing, going home. Everytime I think about it, I'm happy. The only reason I haven't gone yet is because I've been waiting for my nephew to reach 18 and my mother to die but his 18 next July and I can't wait for mum to die anymore. She's in constant pain and wish she would die so her pain would stop. My psychotherapist thinks I have cptsd from everything I have gone through. I don't know why I came here. You're all lovely people but I'm not looking to be saved or stopped or talked out of it. I think it's because I am walking around doing very normal things, talking to people and in my head, all I can think about is that they don't know I want to die. I'm talking to them but there's no I and they don't know it...they are talking to a ghost. I just needed to see it out there...I don't want to upset anyone but yeah, I don't want to live anymore. I don't have to pretend.
In response to: Weird feelings.
LemonjuiceSenior Contributor
Re: Weird feelings.
@KobeCat, it's ok, I'm not in crisis or danger at this time. Thanks for caring.
In response to: Weird feelings.
LemonjuiceSenior Contributor
Re: Weird feelings.
Maybe it's wrong what Ii have done here. Sorry, if it's inappropriate please delete it. I don't want to hurt anyone.
In response to: Re: Weird feelings.
KobeCatSenior Contributor
Re: Weird feelings.
Hi @Lemonjuice
Kobecat again, There is no need to delete anything Lemonjuice, you came here doing what many others do in this forum. By sharing some of what's happening in your world, you will find this community supportive and many will reach out to connect with you.
Hang in there, hopefully things will improve soon,
Kobe
In response to: Re: Weird feelings.
Unknown userMember
Re: Weird feelings.
Hi @Lemonjuice
Thank you for taking the time to further share here and put us in the picture - I can see the "enormous pressure" you are under and have had enough. I was under enormous pressure with my daughter and other issues as a carer for a very long time and to make a long story short felt like you did a lot of the time. I am really glad personally that no one condoned my suicidal tendencies at that time as it would of given me the green light.
It sounds like you have given a lot to others for many many years and there was not much time for you or to make your own life. That can take its toll over time resulting in burn out. For what you have survived all these years with grace and a smile you are far from a failure.
I know when I reached that stage at 56 years of age, I had to make changes to lift that unrelenting stress for my own physical and mental well being. It was getting too much. When my daughter kept being selfish and angry/verbally and physically abusive (she also had anger issues and bi-polar, was violent and addicted to drugs ); refused to help out, clean up after herself or pay rent, help herself, kept being disrespectful etc I asked her to move out.
She did move out but knows we still love her and are there for her and now appreciates her parents more and we are closer than ever. This reduced a lot of the stress that I was under and now am finally building a life for myself and my depression is starting to lift. As a carer to my sick husband, I also asked for and finally allowed more inhome help/respite and some time for myself. Changes had to be made as I realised there were solutions to my long suffering struggles (some were tough calls but nessecary) - and that I deserved a life too. So do you. Sending a warm hug 🤗
In response to: Weird feelings.
LemonjuiceSenior Contributor
Re: Weird feelings.
@Former-Member Gosh it sounds like you have been through a lot too. It's not just that I have to do all these things but I got to smile through it too, so as to not make them feel like a burden. I had to stop feeling to protect myself because I was feeling everything at the same time, and feeling everything and feeling nothing is exhausting in itself. I can want to suicide and live at the same time. I just don't know which will win and that is also exhausting and scary...like living on the cliff's edge all the time.
I want to sell our house and for me and mum to move into an apartment. I think the kids should move into their own place. I told my niece and she got angry with me because she says she won't have enough money for rent. I left it at that but really, she's driving an expensive car and going out to concerts. She could sell the car and live a little more quietly, but it's an admission of failure to her and she loves her car. My nephew feels abandoned by his mother and father which is why he is angry a lot of the time. I feel the need to prove to him that I won't abandon him too. Selling the house and asking him to leave will be doing just that. Then again suicide would be doing that too.
I don't know what to do!
In response to: Re: Weird feelings.
Unknown userMember
Re: Weird feelings.
Hi @Lemonjuice
Good to hear from you again. Yes I had been through a lot for many years and more, don't want to burden you with the rest as you are under enough. I do understand how one under unrelenting stress can come to the end of their tether. It can be scary. And it can be hard to know what to do sometimes as those tough calls can be emotionally gruelling. I reached that tether you described and knew I had to do something to lift that stress as it just couldn't go on the way it was.
I personally feel buying an apartment of your own is a good idea for you. It. At lift the financial burnden too? The stress you are under can't go on either - it's pushing you beyond your limits and that is dangerous. You are right - your nephew would feel even more abandoned anyway - if you move into an apartment you can still be there for them without the undue stress. When my daughter moved out a couple of months ago and I did receive some inhome help and respite (did a few things I enjoyed and made a friend) - I could feel the stress lift from my shoulders and the difference it made on the way I was feeling was a major one. Life started to looked better. I could after so many years relax for once and make a bit of life for myself. The peace was so healing. I can still have my stresses but no where near on the scale of what it was.
Sorry if I have rambled on abit - I do understand and am hoping things get better for you real soon too. It's time you had a life too after all these years - you deserve no less. Hugs xx
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