I have mental health but worried about my husband

Hello @Bubbles3

Caring for someone with any chronic illness can and does take its toll on people.
Each chronic illness has its own set of challenges and this applies to mental illness. It is confusing and difficult for family members when a patient is depressed, psychotic or suicidal. (Do you have a Dx?). I care for my husband who has BPii + more.

I have read your post as a request for help as to what you can do to make things better. These are the things I suggest:

1. Do you include your husband in your treatment plan? To me this is essential, as a carer we need to know what is going on and where we fit in.
2. See if your husband will attend a carer education session. This can be done through groups like Wellways. Do you have a support worker? They may be able to recommend something in your region. These classes help carers learn how best to support their loved ones as well as look after themselves. Ask your pdoc to explain things to your husband, allow your husband to speak to them without you being in the room if your husband requests this so he can ask questions he may not feel comfortable saying in front of you. (Don't be afraid of this, I do not like talking about suicide or saying something that I feel would interfere with the therapeutic alliance in front of my husband)
3. Do you self medicate? This is a relationship killer. Do whatever you can to stop. (On this note there are some ADs that can cause alcohol cravings - this may or may not be relevant to you).
4. Communicate with and show appreciation to your man. You may not feel up to rumpy pumpy but a bloke needs to feel loved in this way and regular bedroom action often makes a huge difference for the better in a relationship. Thank him for his help (and don't complain even if things are not done exactly right).
5. Remember life is more than your MI. Try and encourage your partner to have an interest of his own. Give him time and space for this. Likewise having your own hobby can be a good thing.

Bubbles, having a chronic illness is not easy, let alone one that is poorly understood. It is hard on the carer too. Feel free to ask me any questions.

I found this website that reminds us that we can live well in spite of a mental illness, it has some tenets (statements) that really helped me and I will end with them.

Fresh Hope Tenets

TENET I

Patient: My life is affected by a mental health issue and can become unmanageable and hopeless, especially if ignored or untreated. Therefore, I choose the help and support of others to overcome the struggles and find more joy in life.

Carer: My loved one’s mental health challenge has also left me feeling helpless and hopeless. Therefore, I choose the help of others in learning about the disorder and choosing healthy boundaries for myself.

Together, we have understanding. We remind each other of the Lord’s love, and that He alone can do all things. He is the source of our hope, and in Him we can overcome all things.
_________

TENET II

Patient: My mental health challenge has also affected my relationships and the lives of those around me. Therefore, I choose to overcome for both my own good, and the good of those who love me.

Carer: I haven’t always responded to my loved one’s mental health issue in ways that were good for the relationship. Therefore, I choose to learn better ways to communicate with, support, and encourage my loved one.

Together, we commit to speaking the truth in love, healing broken relationships and viewing each other as the Lord views us.
_________

TENET III

Patient: My disorder can become an excuse. Therefore, I choose to believe I can live a full and rich life in spite of my disorder. I choose the support of people who will urge me to “push through”.

Carer: At times I don’t understand my loved one and can allow them to either wallow in their excuses, or push them too hard. Therefore I choose to learn healthy, appropriate ways to contribute to my loved one’s recovery.

Together we do better than trying on our own. We will hold one another accountable for learning, growing, and choosing to push through in hope.
________

TENET IV

Patient: My disorder can lead me to feel hopeless. Therefore, I choose to believe, regardless of my feelings, that there is help and hope for my physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual well-being.

Carer: At times I also feel hopeless, letting my loved one’s actions and recovery define my happiness. Therefore, I choose to live with healthy emotional boundaries, and I choose my own joy despite the ups and downs of my loved one.

Together we remind each other that our hope and joy come from the Lord. He alone is able to fulfill our needs in every aspect of our lives.
__________

TENET V

Patient: While medicine is a key component in my recovery, it is not the only answer. Therefore, I choose to explore new ways of thinking and acting in my relationships and daily living.

Carer: I, too, have been part of the cycle of dysfunctional living, either thinking I had all the answers or thinking the problem didn’t belong to me. Therefore, I choose to submit myself to learning new behaviors and taking responsibility for my own healthy, balanced living.

Together we choose freedom over suffering, and joy in living through self-knowledge in action.
__________

TENET VI

Patient: At times I have allowed myself to become a victim, “defined” by my disorder. Therefore I choose to overcome and live in hope and joy, in spite of my disorder.

Carer: At times, I have viewed myself as a victim of my loved one’s behavior and disorder, living in resentment, anger, unforgiveness, or self pity. Therefore, I choose to separate the disorder from the person I love, forgive and let go of the past, and live as a contributor to successful recovery.

Together, we share in each other’s victories and celebrate the whole person.

__________
https://freshhope.us/about-fresh-hope/

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/23796469/

thanks @Former-Member

my hubby doesnt want the help, thats the problem. he says its up to me to change things for everything to get better. he is leaving it al on me.

@Bubbles3

I am sure that you are on the forums as you have an inner courage that I have seen in the LE side on the few threads I look at.

Yes, at the end of the day the battle is yours alone but as with any chronic illness having someone on side to encourage, advocate for and sometimes gently guide back into line can make a huge difference.

As a carer, I know that until I learned about MI, even though I loved Mr Darcy dearly, a lot of my responses were not helpful and this after many years of his struggle. If your husband will come to an appointment with you, your case worker or pdoc could explain a little about your Dx and perhaps throw in the need for him to get carer support.

I am assuming that your husband is finding things rough going at this point in time; he may feel as though he is being taken for granted. Blokes deal with things differently. As I mentioned, doing a few things to show love and appreciation toward him will help greatly. This will take effort and you will need to be intentional about it and it will need to be sustained, he needs to know he is important to you. At the end of the day, we all want to be loved and accepted.

thanks @Former-Member

i know where you are coming from, but i think its different from my point of view. it much harder to explain

Wow @Determined

I thing your the right person to talk to. So you have been with your wife fir 18. Wow thats a long time to put up with her. Hahaha ( i mean that on the funny side)

Me and hubby have been together for 10 years. I PTSD BPD major depressive disorder with psychotic features and agoraphobia and anxiety. Thats alot for for my hubby to put up with.

How do you do it. What you said is right.
I do forget to say thankyou, i love you, and all the rest .

I think your the right person to talk to , so i can help myself and hubby as well only if you dont mind.

What things should i be saying to make him feel love and left out?

What thing can i do?

I love my hubby so much and i know i push him away most of the time. And i know i have pushed to his very high limit.
I know my hubby gets to the point were he doesnt know what to do with me anymore.

Thankyou so much for your response

And thankyou @Former-Member

I have re read your post. I dont i was i the right frame of mind to read them properly. Sorry about that.

Yes i do over madicate. And i do push my hubby away, alot. I put up the brick wall thinking that he is hurting me but its only me being scared of being hurt. I love my hubby so much and i dont want to hurt him in anyway shape or form.

Thankyou for your response