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Core Values...

@Former-Member and @Former-Member and others in this wonderful forum.

Until last year, I was lost in space and frozen up when anyone asked me to 'name my values' or some such other question.

I was given a resource that helped alot - there were about 30 statements and I was asked to spend some time with these statements and sort them - put 5 in a 'core' list and 5 in an 'important' list and 5 in a 'duty' list and put all the rest that didn't I did not hold or relate to at all into an 'irrelevant' pile.

I did this excercise three or four times over a couple of weeks, some of the 'core' got shifted to the not relevant pile in the end. It was illuminating and gave me a sense that even though I thought I didn't know what my values were, it was evident I did - and the core values I hold are the grounding from which I do all my work, conduct all my relationships and aspire to being (even when I am not well.)

I ended up with a list of my own with about 7 of these statements in core values and the ones that ended up in important - finally ended up in the 'duty' list for me. Either they were core or duty or irrelevant. The dropping of 'important' really made it clear to me which values were really my OWN and which were what I think people expected of me, or which I had been socialised/taught to believe or hold.

The exercises gave me great strength knowing I HAD a set of core values and identifying what they are.

I look at values as the underpining of who I am. There are lines I will not cross in regards honesty, how to treat other people and animals, how I conduct my life and what (when I am well) defines me as a person.

Kind of like.... If someone was going to write my epitaph what would they say about me?

When I was first asked this by a psychologist I said my epitaph would be "She tried hard".

After doing this excercise I had a better sense of who I am, kind of like being outside looking in on myself who I really am "in here" i stopped being an enigma to myself after doing this.

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This (link below) is a variation on the excercise I did - but could work well if anyone wants to try it for themselves. Or if one has a counsellor or psyhcologist they may be able to provide relevant exercise sheets for this process.

Titled: 'Live your core values"
https://www.taproot.com/archives/37771

Part of life's ourney seems to be sifting through all the brain-washing and all the ideas and projections that others have showered us with ... and come to an awareness of what we actually DO believe. Not what we are told we should think or believe.

Every now and then I do an exercise to try to get clear ... I will look at @MoonGal's link ... but I also see myself and many people as holding contradictory elements as well ... so I see it as a gradual process of uncovering who we are and developing that.

It's hard to dissect the contradictory elements if they have been a response to trauma...it takes a safe space with insight and often a skilled therapist to get past these elements of my social isolation, which stem from childhood...

RE: Childhood Trauma.

I had a lot of mistaken learning from the trauma of my childhood. As the years have past, I have managed to unpack most of the mistaken learning and come up with an adult, mature insight into the things I think and my reactions. Here I am at over 50 years old and I still, from time to time get locked into some anxiety producing moment/hours/days because I have been triggered. As soon as I can see that I have been hijacked by my past, I set about a series of mental excercises to bring myself into the present, where I am safe, in charge and reject the 'learning' I did as a kid. It helps, and I am no longer hostage (for long at least) to the terrible things that happened to me, except for the physiological reactions which of course are amgdyla and insula warring to make me flight or fight. There is no downside to recoginsing my own 'mistaken learning' - it is a freedom, a catalyst to change and looking at it this way means I do not paw over the details of the actual assaults, pain and situations, I look at what I "learned' wrongly and what would be the best adult response 'today'.

Such a great approach @MoonGal self acceptance and ongoing learning.

Life and the past can be a great teacher as well as a sabateur. I try to make decisions based on learning from the past, but this can sometimes only make decisions harder/more confusing, especially if you can't trust the memories as being perfectly accurate.

But socially, I think sometimes you know when it's time to let go of an old friend, or ramp things down with family. It doesn't have to be forever, I think we chose periods of solutide to get perspective or someting. As long as you balance it with advice from people you do trust.

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@Former-Member - I am so sorry if I have hijacked your thread on social isolation, i was going with the flow in regards values and I appreacite that not everyone has the same opportunities, understandings, capacity or ability to engage with such exercises.

In how this values exercise I did created opportunity to me which is relevant to the topic - social isolation - is that in being clear what my values are, I am able to pursue community or other people who share these values.

I have aquaintances but very few real friends. The friends I do have are often one diomensional friendships (rich still) via social media who are like minded and care about the same things I do. Since I left the workplace I have very little meaningful interaction with anyone other than my partner. I get lonely. I feel isolated, I am also an over acheiver - so if someone says "oh, this problem" I search the databanks memory for solutions to 'help'. Sorry if in the end I missed the mark entirely.