Christian Chat

@ENKELI The pain and neglect of a father who was never there, is different to my experience. Yes, our own lived experience of our father does impact how we conceptualise God the Father. Your path through it, may have started with opening up the discussion, and seeing how you feel and reflect and move through it. I really get, that you say ... it is an inner thing... that you feel better... maybe moving from social success towards a spiritual life is what was the change. idk. if i say anything that does not resonate, please dont take it personally.

For a long time, I was struggling to fill in the gap that an absent father creates. [Sorry edit: anonymity guidelines.]

For me it has been very healing to focus on all the LOVE he did give me, when he could. I can assess my dad as a decent human. God knows what he went through. Thats my healing. It gives me more and more JOY to remember all the beautiful things. He was Not a bogan. I had to squash normal natural grieving. Too many immediate necessities to deal with and work for.

Its a different healing journey to what yours will be. The clue is probably somewhere in your unique childhood memories, and what your particular family dynamics were, and what is important to you as what and how a loving father would interact and provide. Plus to believe you are worthy of love.

@Appleblossom what a beautiful time you had with your dad.

Dad left when I was 5 and of course I don't remember anything about him as I was too young.

I remember he came over from NSW to WA and I remember we went to the drive in to see Raiders of the Lost Ark. I think I went to Geraldton and spent time with him over school holidays, maybe a week or 2. The next time was when I was 15 and I spent 3 weeks with him in Sydney.

Occasionally he'd call, usually when he was drunk and feeling maudlin.

I was 22, 23 the next time I spent more than a day with him and then I saw him 4 more times in my 30's. That was it.

My brother lived with him for a couple of years and I would ring to speak to both of them when I was about 16. My brother told me that dad would always say "if that's your sister I don't want to talk to her, she only wants money."

He wrote me the most awful letter that wife #3 aka Stepmonster encouraged - he said I was a bitch because I didn't care about him having a mental breakdown (I didn't know because no one told me. I am in Perth and he is somewhere in NSW, how the hell would I find out?!) and then said as far as he was concerned I was not his daughter.

He verbally abused me via email - I hadn't even given him my email address, one of my cousins did.

Finally he decided to renew his relationship with him and it was okay up to the few months before he died.

He deliberately listed my surname wrong in his will (I change my surname to my grandmothers' maiden name as I had no connection with my dad or his family at that stage) and then a few months prior to his death he told me to F%$# OFF (in capitals) in an email. It is only that I pretended once again that he hadn't devastated me with his words and reached out to him that we were speaking in the end.

I have not grieved him. My psychologist says I may never grieve and that's okay. I shed too many tears during my life at what he'd done or said to me to want to cry when he died I think.

@ENKELI

It sounds as if he was very stuck in immature thinking and behaviours to have been like that with you over such a long period, with so many years of no contact.

Part of it might be about separating his behaviour from your sense of self. Not internalising his wounding behaviours.

Grieving is whatever is relevant to the actual relationship. Its not all about tears. It makes sense you cried becasue he hurt you while he was still alive. Maybe you need to grieve the relationship you never had, more than actual death of your dad. I would guess a big part of it would be protecting your inner child from the hurt, than visiting his grave. Maybe imagining a less wounded more healed and happy you, doing what you never got to do with him. Like do a holiday for you, as if a loving father had given it to you. Or it might be throwing something out to disperse his negative energy. In a way, the mind and soul takes us on our own grief journeys. I did not go to my dad's funeral, cos I did not trust the energy of my aunt and mother about it. Lots was unconscious. I wanted to be quiet at thome alone. I was the only one cared. They just did it for show.

Is the inheritance from your father's estate? Maybe you can make a symbolic decsion to use it in a way, that protects you and distances from him. Maybe your grief journey is finding something to put your yukky feelings into. ... a jar and a box ... yuk dad ... I had a bad memory ... put it in the box... so it is out of your body and not tormenting you.... dunno ... just sme ideas. it can be quirky. For it to have lasting value... it will be what seems meaningful to you.

Not feeling too much of the agony about my mother anymore after the long and terrible life experience it was for me with her. I realise will go through different phases, in my grief journeys. It helped to recall the glimmers with dad and it helped me gradually find my JOY. It took a while to register the actual consequences of her betrayals and neglects. I was stunned and reeling for a while. They were massive and impacted my children as well. I dont feel the hurt as much any more. I dont want to retrigger myself. I have to live my life fully. [Sorry: edited for anonymity guidelines.]

Galatians 6:2 — NIV

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”

Biblical summary:

Paul teaches believers to care for one another by helping carry each other’s struggles and difficulties. Christian love is not meant to be lived alone; we are called to support, encourage and serve one another, following Christ’s example of love and compassion. 🙏

@Lozenge @ENKELI @Appleblossom @Realness @Dimity @DownMoreThanUp

@Appleblossom @ENKELI

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When i hear your story lived short of father love, my own story cries along with you. Unlike you i had my father around every day basically for the first 20 years of my life. i can not recall he ever told me he loved me, or anything good about me, or to me. Such deep loss when we long for father's love.

@Realness @Lozenge @heartathome 

@ENKELI @Lozenge @heartathome @Realness @Appleblossom

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An awesome song found me Today.

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Enjoy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zanxPnPjv0U&list=RD7KCbtO2NDQ0&index=3

@DownMoreThanUp was your father like that with your siblings as well (if you had them)?

My father was an "out of mind, out of sight" type. Because my half siblings lived in the same city as he, they got more attention than my bro and I. Bastard.

@ENKELI

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For me that was a very painful part too. i have 2 brothers and 4 sisters, and he loved them all. Especially my older brother, the first child. He was exempt from most things generations of first born same name. (but my brother's first born ended up spoiling this being a girl.) However the real sting wasn't the favouritism. He hated my personality, was already upset i was born, and loved putting me down. Only years later did I learn his life had been much the same, so i became the one put down for who i was, just as he'd been.

Unlike your dad, he looked after us physically really well, he worked his butt off to give us the best. That was the way many said i love you back then.

He often ruled like a tyrant the first 12–13 years of my life, yet us four oldest rebelled until Mum threatened divorce. That's when he realised he'd been copying his own parents. Later I heard that once he found out how his own mum and dad had brought him up he never went back to see either of them again. My siblings began to see another man who was also good fun, gentle, supportive and loved doing things for others, despite his interpersonal shortcomings. Mum did learn to love him again, but that was well after i left at 20.

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The truth we as a family learned.

Good morning everyone 💚

Romans 15:13 NLT

I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit 🙏

@Realness @Lozenge @ENKELI @Appleblossom @DownMoreThanUp

@DownMoreThanUp my dad used to act similar towards my brother. Mum intervened one day and dad said "my old man used to beat me" and mum replied "and how do you feel about him now?" It gave dad pause as he hated his stepfather.

His mother literally ruined him, putting him on a pedestal as if he was the golden child because he was the product of the only man she truly loved. Sadly my biological grandfather was killed on the HMAS Sydney II and my grandmother married my stepfather out of gratitude.

My stepfather was a drinker so I'm told, and used corporal punishment on all of his kids but dad was brought up to believe he should be exempt.

He was a man who never should have had children.

He and I were on good terms for a few years before he died and I am thankful for that, but by then it was too late for him to be a father too me.