@Appleblossom Absolutely this is how we both understand this separation. i have to heal where my triggers still are, and where merging has not yet finalized to finalize that on my own in safety. For me to re-learn to understand my psychotic tendencies merged in alters an empath, instead of keep differentiating between my alters. (Doing counseling about all that every week) And my wife from her side as well also on her ownm and so in safety. And after this has completed see if getting back together would be want we still both want. We do very much at the moment.
@REDLINEZ750 @Realness @tyme @heartathome @ENKELI
i had lunch with them today. It was good to see my wife and our daughter who stays with our Down Syndrome daughter on the Weekends. Otherwise she be home with us, for we have no paid workers to take care of her at her house for those days.
i suggested we buy a caravan for me to move into, so she can come back home. We have almost 13 acres here so plenty of room to set up a caravan. This why she would not need to feel pressured to come back not ready, and we could easily meet and discuss things when we need to. Not sure how she feels about this yet, but she said she would consider it for she keeps having to move homes for people want lone time with family and things.
We know we both have to be ready, and neither are at the moment. And we are both working hard on it on our own steam. That is what this is all about. i got too used her not taking care of me, for she missed out big time on much personal care and help with her trauma. The trauma she has been through me going psychotic on her, many times in my raging later all these years ago, without any help, support or counselling - just a here have him back from the doctors at the time. Crazy stuff really. That has never been fixed or taken care of.
So me merging in my raging alter over the last 6 months, brought all of that back up for her, as well as me, from my side of the coin. We had already been praying a lot and discussing everything together trying to deal with it, but the more my past raging later merged into my daily life, the worse my wife's triggers became! At times also triggering me, or the other way around. So although we love one another dearly we saw we were not getting anywhere, and even with our best intentions kept on hurting and restricting one another where we both were stuck in our own lives unable to help the other.
This is why things are the way they are to try and fix it. The plan is i merge and disappear as much as possible my past raging alter myself. And she learns to deal with and overcome the trauma of the past. And to stop always worrying about me laying having to lay down her life for me when unwell. So she learn to love herself the wonderful person she is where she has not been able to do because of the selfless times she took care of me. And so she hopefully also learn to love and trust me the person i turn out to be merged as one in my alters. For apart of each other neither have to feel insecure or fearful things would again go like 21 or more years ago, no matter where we are at, until we can find safety being together whatever happens
About 17-18 years ago i wrote a poem called to the evil ones. After Jesus showed me how it was not me struggling with sin that was the problem in my life, but me heeding The wicked/Voices/Thoughts lying to my mind about everything all the time.
The poem is huge and ought to be in centred for it is a shape poem - a massive nuclear explosion! To make a long story short, at the bottom of that poem i wrote a little verse predicting what life would be like without those evil voices and thoughts bombarding my spinning head all the time.
Now today while i was in my paranoid alter for the first time since my merge with my raging alter. (i think i was because i had a really painful kidney stone last night, and feared i was going to have be hospitalised, i know i freaked that really badly. And the whole night i remained in that anxious mood.)
Yet at the time i wrote that poem all these years ago, i had no understanding of much i do today. Yet today i reckon i lived the beginning of the ending of that poem! For i saw me, in my lost lamb, walk as one with me the animal of prey always after my life!
We used to be sworn enemies within. Yet today completely at peace together in God's grace ands Jesus' Kingship over my life. And then also to see that in my past paranoid alter Jesus has already done so much more work in me, than He has in my raging one coming in last. (Humbling!!!) So i been thanking Jesus ever since He showed me this after i came home from my visit thanking Him in prayer.
i'll share you the bottom part of that poem.
As for me?
I shall finally break free,
and come and go as I like,
no more fear inside of me to strike.
Free from cruel imprisonments inwardly,
truly be as I was always destined to be.
A clear conscience - speaks of paradise,
shining like a star at night - I shall arise.
Genuinely the Lord's servant I shall be,
exulting The Way Jesus is also teaches me.
Lambs beside beasts of prey graze the field,
snake bites no longer poison yield.
I shall pick up my bed and walk,
no evil to my heart and mind to talk.
Receiving a kingship from eternity,
ruling my being in peace and prosperity.
This is what I pray will happen to my soul;
that God - The Father of Life - BE - All in All!
Come Lord Jesus, please come and collect The Chosen!
Not sure if you can read this on your devise but this is the complete poem of that time.
