@heartathome @Realness @AlwaysMyself @ENKELI @Appleblossom
Going through a really hard time at the moment with my family gone but Jesus is doing good work. So i live two dimensions at the moment in my faith on the one hand i mourn all leaving me, on the other hand i see Jesus destroying what caused that in me and also in my family, us all going through this. Things have been so bad in my mind, and have often been so bad in the past, and were often in the present. So many lies, so much not knowing. i'm so very blessed that my wife and me were always able to make up. She truly is an amazing woman. i'm confidant this will be the case again.
i need a good make over where i have not been able to, and she needs that where she has not been able to!
E.g be free from having to be stuck with me 24/7 year in year out. For although we often had really good times it was also often at her expense. My wonderful wife so loving, caring, giving and understanding. Not because i was often a good husband to her. Often i was useless to her as a partner depressed or psychotic or worse both, it hurt us both so.
For each time we hoped i would make it, we both tried so hard, she in particular, and then i would flop again. However this time i have more hope than ever. For now the evil voices have gone and i begin to understand more and more right from wrong where before there was so much confusion.
My Therapist is real opening my eyes to my own body, speech, and urgency levels to share. And what to do when i begin to tense up, speed up, or relive my trauma, or cannot stop doing so.
i love this guy. He helped me so 10 years ago. i'm sure he can do so now. Severe childhood trauma combined with a rejection mind set, as well as the trauma of a very violent sexual assault, inside a schizophrenic are no pleasant combinations to have to deal with. So very glad i have had Jesus to help me figure it all out.
i begin to understands how to de-trigger my triggers living Leviticus chapters 4 to 7 in light of my therapist and my families realities. i love living Jesus there. No greater healing can be found for some hurting trauma, for the victims as well as unwitting offenders, than living Leviticus 4-6 in Jesus. i had The Word open on the table for days. So i could read back my truth in Jesus when overcome by sadness, grief, remorse, worry, hurt, or anger times.
Yesterday must have been the worst day i ever lived but ended in the best ever seeing all my enemies destroyed doing just that. In the end that ugly man of sin called the son of lawlessness revealed in his full ugliness, and watch him being destroyed the truth of Christ in me. (simply adore living 2 Thess 2 in Christ. such liberation where the wicked are still hurting us.)
For i love seeing Jesus on His White Horse, how often has His truth inside my heart not cut down wrong in me? i love the truth of God, it has always been the terror of the wicked,. The very terror the wicked cast on me a paranoid witless little kid. Petrified hiding underneath the sheets scared hearing and seeing the evil everywhere.
So many things my wife and family had to suffer me being ill like that. Not just the loss of my families husband and dad. But being a wife or child of someone who often times had to deal with a deeply depressed, anxious, unwell and even raging lunatic, stuffing their lives up in real time struggling the forces coming down on him all the time forced hearing and seeing them.
Such is the life of the mental ill, which so many people have no idea about.
Isn't friends? Life can sure be hell when our minds become the wicked's play ground of torment. How often has life not been like that?
Anyhow i'm safe and sound. Feeling heaps better. Still some nausea but Jesus has been explaining how i can make an end to that. Which has been working good.
i slept 10 hours in one last night. i cannot even begin to remember how long ago this has been. At least 3-4 years i reckon. Also been snoozing in my chair this morning, fed all the animals, watered the herbs and did the irrigation. Washed two loads of washing and cleaned my bed sheets. i also cooked 12 kg of food for the dogs, and 3 kg of chicken for they had run out of food as well. i do still have to go and collect the eggs and feed the animals their dinner after of course after. A little down mood wise but my heart rejoicing.
That is what Jesus said there is only Way to The Father and that is Me and then i heard the apostle John say "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made. In Him was life, and the life was the light of men." He has been Alive in me ever since although always in Seed form of course. For The Kingdom of God is within Scriptures says and grows like a Mustard seed Jesus told me. For it is the smallest of seeds, for who mocks days of small beginnings Zechariah 4 says, it will grow into a massive tree for my eternal food and shelter spiritually.
Our oldest son came around with a bottle of Whiskey for me to celebrate with Jesus. Very much appreciate. He dropped some bags of grain off, as gave me a car transfer form to sign for the car they bought me. Which a friend of ours will deliver hopefully soon. This way i can go drive around when well enough to visit friends and shop by myself, and do not need to rely on my wife, or children to take care of me any longer.
We had a wonderful chat. And i saw he understood much more about where i had been and we made up a few more places in our lives together were in the past he and i had not understood this. Such are good times really. He is an awesome boy we have always loved each other. Yet i know for years i have been totally out of reach a lot of the time to them. Or worse they lived me on the wrong end of my psychosis. Much healing still to be done. Yet i know Jesus is going to fix everything. for with those evil voices gone, and me in past madness done away with, i have full hope all will turn out well in The end.
Hallelujah!
Be blessed.
