I’m going to respond to things from the struggle thread here because it seems more appropriate.
Hi all - @Shaz51, @Former-Member, @Former-Member,@Silenus, @Faith-and-Hope, @Former-Member, @Appleblossom, @Bunniekins ( @CheerBear and @Kurra but I know you’ve got heaps on your plate, more just for info)
im not going to hospital anymore which has turned out ok so far. I’ve had support from CMH to stay at home.
I have been struggling so much with things lately that cause distress so easily. Yesterday I spoke to the psychologist who knew me a bit from DBT. She unlocked part of the puzzle for me that has been causing so much distress over the last few months. I’ve been feeling better but getting distressed because decision making and prioritising has been so hard and I’ve been feeling like a complete failure and having more and more suicidal thoughts because of it. I’ve been afraid every night before my kids come home as I feel like a failure and a burden to them as I was spinning in circles faster and faster. I had got to the stage that I was taking myself out some nights self medicating so I didn’t have the pain and shame of facing them. The push to take myself out had got to crisis point.
Over the last few weeks/months I’d been trying to problem solve why I couldn’t do what others do so easily and decide or prioritise. It’s been a big part of my label of dependent personality disorder which causes so much shame. The other week in group it really became obvious as to what the problem was but not how to solve it. I am a contradiction in so many ways. My dysfunction has been at a debilitating level but when it comes to logical stuff like maths my brain just kicks in without drama. So in my group we were cooking and I had been converting quantities and had remembered the recipe from reading it. My task was to cook and share out the noodles between each group. I divided the noodles as to how much I thought each pan needed but there was some over. That’s when my decision making fell over. I couldn’t decide how to divide out the rest. I became really agitated and embarrassed and asked how to do it. The facilitator said why not do it equally and I felt so ashamed I couldn’t work out such an easy thing. It’s been playing on my mind ever since. I had got to a point I hated myself so much because of this I just wanted to die. No one can be functional like this.
Long story long yesterday when talking to the psychologist she worked out what is happening and with that came a huge relief. She went through my noodle story and told me what she expected my thoughts were at the time and she was so close to the mark it was scary. It seems I often have over inclusive thoughts when it comes to decision making meaning lots of thoughts at once coming in at the same level and me not being able to filter them, thus make a decision. This is mixed with my perfectionist streak of being so fearful of getting it wrong. What’s been happening is that now every time I need to decide something I add in my shame and then those distress feelings come in and I have managed to streamline is so much that often decision making in the last few weeks = suicidal thinking.
Ive struggled so much over the last two years knowing I’m different even on here. It helped so much to work out what has been happening. Now I have something to work with it’s been a relief. I read a little and apparently over inclusive thinking is often part of mania and schizophrenia and I know that my diagnosis probably won’t change but it was good to be able to put a name to it. It also takes away some of the shame of dependence. She also gave me some really helpful strategies to help navigate the weekend. Last night lots of suicidal thoughts still came in but I was able to manage them now that I have more hope for this part.
Thank you all for being here and being part of my ride 💜🤗
