TRIGGERRED!!!!!

I just really hope he doesn't decide to hospitalise me @outlander. Last time I had a manic episode, I was hospitalised and given ECT. I don't normally create such a fuss about being hospitalised, but it is close to Christmas and I would like to be able to celebrate it properly. I guess I need to tell him about the massive overspending I did whilst elevated, he will want to know about potentially damaging behaviours. Last time I took off in the middle of the night to a casino and gambled with money I couldn't really afford.

Maybe just maybe now I've crashed again, he won't hospitalise me. I mean, I have SI, but I'm not going to act upon it. Just thoughts at the moment which isn't all that unusual. Asher hasn't turned up so that's something I suppose (Asher is the name of one of my voices remember?).

Thanks for the reassurance @outlander

Truth is I often am suicidal, it is kind of baseline for me. I even say I am still green on my traffic light system even if I currently am thinking up ways to end my life. I only move to yellow or red, if I can no longer fight the urges. My Mrs sometimes misinterprets green as me being happy (when I am far from it). I'm afraid though if I tell her the truth all the time, it will trigger her. You see last time I required hospitalisation, she SH. I have to think of her and keep her safe too (hope that makes sense).

I have my motto: "It's okay not to be okay" and "I am perfectly flawed"

I saw a great video on Facebook recently (it was distributed by The Mighty) about being chronically suicidal. It explained me to a T.

Thanks for your well wishes @outlander, I will be thinking of them when I go for my appointment tomorrow.

Goodnight @outlander. I hope it's a restful night.

Thanks @outlander, good night to you too