Hope4meSenior Contributor
When food replaces love...
I swore to only post upbeat banter or interesting stuff on this site when I joined and have done well to date. At least for the times I've been able to be here that is.
However this morning when I woke, my health and how I've come to be in the position I'm in flooded my thoughts and then deeply hurtful tears followed.
Physically, I feel trapped in a body that's tired, overweight and unhealthy. Psychologically, I feel trapped in a cycle of addiction - to food; my feel-good and nutritionally void drug of choice.
I've delved into this issue a multitude of times over my adult life, none more important though as my present circumstances which threatens my future and quality of life.
Through my journey, I've uncovered many reasons for my addiction, then getting to the core of why it exists. As a concept I call it - replacing love with food.
Insight is of course valuable, but what to do about it remains a constant struggle. I've done yo-yo dieting with some very successful results I might add. But when close relationships fail, my broken heart yearns yet again to be filled.
It all began in infancy when I was very ill and nearly died. I was placed in seclusion on constant watch, only touched while being bathed, changed or bottle fed. (It was the 50's) I was there for many weeks suffering with pain, fever and an unknown future.
When I finally went home, my diet consisted of high calorie food supplements (like arraroot in my bottle) to ensure I gained weight. "A fat baby's a happy baby!" As time went on, if I cried, family gave me lollies or treats to keep me happy and content fearing I'd get sick again.
Food became love, nurturing and my companion when I was alone. I never learned to self sooth in a functional way.
When I'm in a relationship, I lose weight easily. I'm motivated, happy and content to eat balanced meals and spend time being active and social. But when love's threatened or lost, I turn to my replacement medication...food.
How do you teach an old dog new tricks?
It's such an innate and powerful urge. As I've said, I know 'why' I behave this way, I just can't find a way out living alone with a MI. There aren't any detox or rehab units for people like me.
So that's my story; feeling trapped, vulnerable and stalled in a cycle of self abuse.
I needed to write this.
Hope xo 
