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Child Loss & MH
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Child Loss & MH
85 replies
In response to: Child Loss & MH
Unknown userMember
Re: Child Loss & MH
Oh @Ant7, oh my heart reading this 😢 (tears). Thank you oh for sharing and being so real. Glad you stayed with your wife, and had the analgesia and had time together, to hold your boy, to express the love a parent has to give, even for one day. They say it helps grieving, the harsh reality of it all, the unfinished love... And to have visiters too, sheesh - so real. Telling people, when my girl died the emergency pushed me to ring someone (I was alone & in shock) but begged the Dr to because I couldn't 'speak it' Maybe emergency wards could learn something from Maternity Staff on how to treat people, i would have loved a day more to sit with my girl...
As a nurse I have seen many people who have died, bathed them, comforted loved ones, I considered it a privilege, a 'sacred' time for family. But when its your own, my own... the experience is mostly within - totally different 💜
Need a ♨ - check in later ❤❤❤
As a nurse I have seen many people who have died, bathed them, comforted loved ones, I considered it a privilege, a 'sacred' time for family. But when its your own, my own... the experience is mostly within - totally different 💜
Need a ♨ - check in later ❤❤❤
In response to: Re: Child Loss & MH
OwlunarSenior Contributor
Re: Child Loss & MH
Hi @Former-Member@Ant7
Our memories are never silly or strange - they are what they are - and with a peri-natal death people have so few - so they are all important
My son died in Juvenile Detention when I was in hospital after a car accident - and really doped up with strong pain-killers when I got the news. I was allowed to go home for the funeral and I had the strangest of strange feelings that we were organising all of this for someone who hadn't died so I had to see him before the funeral to make sure it was him - and it was
So I sat with him for a short time - or forever - depending on how my memories perceive it at any given time - I saw him - I knew it was him - and although no one else wanted to see him I did and I guess I had to do that for my whole family
But it is a precious memory - one I rarely have the chance to share but here I can
Dec
And yes Lapses - I am wondering if @Chill_Out is about - I hope she comes here and at least reads she is not alone - it is a terrible time to feel alone
In response to: Child Loss & MH
Ant7Senior Contributor
Re: Child Loss & MH
@Former-Member & @Owlunar this is such a huge thing to go through for anyone. I appreciate your thoughts and can really relate to your stories as well and my heart goes out to you and to anyone that may be reading and doesn’t want to talk. I can understand why some would not feel comfortable talking and I hope that thread is of some comfort to them ❤️
In response to: Re: Child Loss & MH
OwlunarSenior Contributor
Re: Child Loss & MH
I hope so too @Ant7
There are some people who can't talk about it - others who will be encouraged to talk about it - at least I hope so
I found it really hard when I went to an evening at the Compassionate Friends when someone told their story and I know what was going to happen - there was no happy ending in this story - and I could hardly bear it
As the years pass it becomes easier in many ways - I think that preceding generations did not talk it that much because with two world wars and a depression in the first half of the C20th was confronting and there was no way people could say - "Hey - hang on - I can't move on here - I am suffering emotionally"
So many stories got lost through the years of so much global unrest - and I feel sorry about that because even in my own family there are stories of loss I have not heard much about at all - and I asked my mother once and I was told "Well - people don't want to talk about things like that"
And all these years later I am sure that was wrong - and it is such a pity - we in the later generataions have had a lot taken from us -
I had better stop - I am getting maudlin
Dec
In response to: Child Loss & MH
Unknown userMember
Re: Child Loss & MH
Thanks @Ant7, you put that well.
This is hard talk. I've said thingschere I haven't been free to tell anybody. I wish one of my psychologists had the skills to walk me through that last day with my girl, instead of deeming it 'too traumatic' I think shoving it down unfinished has caused greater pain. I don't know how I'm still here.
@Owlunar, hope you're OK? You have avpoint that our world wars have affected us all. But war has always been. Maybe it's because of our fast paced materialistic brainwashing corporate society - when are we allowed to stop & process life's major events? Without healthy family support - how does anyone survive the hard knocks?
I think were walking miracles 💜💜💜
This is hard talk. I've said thingschere I haven't been free to tell anybody. I wish one of my psychologists had the skills to walk me through that last day with my girl, instead of deeming it 'too traumatic' I think shoving it down unfinished has caused greater pain. I don't know how I'm still here.
@Owlunar, hope you're OK? You have avpoint that our world wars have affected us all. But war has always been. Maybe it's because of our fast paced materialistic brainwashing corporate society - when are we allowed to stop & process life's major events? Without healthy family support - how does anyone survive the hard knocks?
I think were walking miracles 💜💜💜
In response to: Child Loss & MH
Ant7Senior Contributor
Re: Child Loss & MH
@Owlunar & @Former-Member This is such a hard thing for anybody to deal with but it is great that the conversation has been started thanks again @Former-Member. I think that is the best thing about this online community that these conversations can happen and we are there to support and help where we can. At least that’s how I feel from my short time here ❤️
In response to: Re: Child Loss & MH
Unknown userMember
Re: Child Loss & MH
Yesterday I started singing a happy song for/to my girl, but there's something about voicing it, especially in song (for me anyway) - up from the innermost depths of my soul I sobbed. It came from nowhere and left just as quick - or maybe I pushed it back down before it took the power from my legs to stand...
Such is the nature of grief waves (sometimes tsunami's).
Guess I haven't come as far as I thought.
But today, i'll push through another day.
You know, there's a beautiful bird calling outside all morning here. They call it a storm-bird, because he calls out before a storm, usually. I'll be fine - with a physical storm, but don't think I'll cope with too much more emotional pain atm.
But its amazing how resilient we can be 💜
In response to: Child Loss & MH
Unknown userMember
Re: Child Loss & MH
LOSING A CHILD INCREASES THE RISK OF MENTAL ILLNESS & HOSPITALISATION
by Salynn Boyles (2005)
There is no greater loss than the loss of a child. It is like losing your future, says Wayne Loder, whose only two children died in a car accident.
"Your children are your legacy. They are your contribution to the future. If there is any grief that you live with for the rest of your life, it is the death of your child."
Research from Denmark has shown that the loss of a child increases a parent's own risk of dying, with the risk of death for mothers increasing fourfold in the first years following the event.
Now the same research team is reporting that the risk of mental illness is much greater among parents who have lost a child. And once again the risk was greater for bereaved moms than dads.
RISK GREATEST IN FIRST YEAR
The investigators reviewed the health records of more than a million Danish citizens to compare the rate of psychiatric hospitalizations among parents.
The risk of being hospitalized for any psychiatric problem was greatest in the year following the loss of a child, but it remained elevated for five years. And parents who lost their only child were more likely to be hospitalized than those with surviving children.
San Francisco grief and loss counselor Gloria Horsley, PhD, RN, says she is not surprised that hospitalizations were highest during the first year after the loss of a child. In addition to depression, parents tend to exhibit manic symptoms during that first year. They don't eat or sleep well, and they may not fully accept that their child is gone.
"I think of that first year as something like a tantrum," she says. "We are all taught that we can get what we want if we just go for it. But when a child dies you are powerless. You can't change it."
Horsley knows only too well. She says her training as a psychiatric nurse and therapist did not make it easier when her 17-year-old son died in a car wreck in 1983.
"When Scott died I watched myself go through the process kind of like a fly on the wall," she says. "I knew exactly what I was doing but couldn't stop myself."
Early on she experienced unbearable pain and shortness of breath and often caught herself looking for her son in a crowd. She also experienced guilt, consumed with thoughts that she could have somehow done something to change what happened.
PARENTS CAN RECOVER:
While she is impressed with the size of the Danish study, Horsley says she is troubled by the fact that there was no information about the parents' psychiatric history before the loss of a child. The researchers also failed to include information on how the children died, which can greatly influence a parent's mental state, she says we can't recover from the death of a child. He says the message is reinforced by erroneous statistics showing a very high rate of divorce among couples who lose a child. But...
"That is just not true," he says. "But the message is that this is something you can't get over. You certainly never forget, but you can move on."
Loder's life changed forever on the first day of spring in 1991 when he got the news that a motorcyclist had smashed into the car carrying his wife, Pat, his 8-year-old daughter, Stephanie, and his 5-year-old son, Stephen.
Although his wife was not badly injured, his two children died within hours of each other later that day.
In the blink of an eye Wayne and Pat Loder were transformed from the proud parents of two beautiful children to a grieving couple facing life alone.
"At the time I felt like we were the only people in the world that this had ever happened to," he says. "Intellectually, I knew this wasn't true, but you just feel so alone."
Several months later the couple found the support group Compassionate Friends for families who have lost children. Pat is now executive director for the organization and Wayne is the group's public awareness coordinator.
REMEMBERING THE CHILDREN:
Loder says knowing that there are other people who have been through what you have been through and survived can make a huge difference.
For both the Loders and Horsley, recovering involved not letting go of their dead children but finding functional ways to keep them in their lives.
For Horsley that means mentioning Scott at the beginning of all of her public speeches. For the Loders it means making Stephanie and Stephen part of the lives they now share with their young daughter and son who were born after the tragic car accident.
And each year during the holidays, Compassionate Friends has worldwide candle lighting for families that have lost children.
"This is one day during a very difficult time of year that we can devote to remembering the children we had and what they meant to us," Wayne Loder says. "And we know that there are tens of thousands of people around the world who will be doing the same thing."
https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/news/20050323/losing-child-increases-risk-of-mental-illness
by Salynn Boyles (2005)
There is no greater loss than the loss of a child. It is like losing your future, says Wayne Loder, whose only two children died in a car accident.
"Your children are your legacy. They are your contribution to the future. If there is any grief that you live with for the rest of your life, it is the death of your child."
Research from Denmark has shown that the loss of a child increases a parent's own risk of dying, with the risk of death for mothers increasing fourfold in the first years following the event.
Now the same research team is reporting that the risk of mental illness is much greater among parents who have lost a child. And once again the risk was greater for bereaved moms than dads.
RISK GREATEST IN FIRST YEAR
The investigators reviewed the health records of more than a million Danish citizens to compare the rate of psychiatric hospitalizations among parents.
The risk of being hospitalized for any psychiatric problem was greatest in the year following the loss of a child, but it remained elevated for five years. And parents who lost their only child were more likely to be hospitalized than those with surviving children.
San Francisco grief and loss counselor Gloria Horsley, PhD, RN, says she is not surprised that hospitalizations were highest during the first year after the loss of a child. In addition to depression, parents tend to exhibit manic symptoms during that first year. They don't eat or sleep well, and they may not fully accept that their child is gone.
"I think of that first year as something like a tantrum," she says. "We are all taught that we can get what we want if we just go for it. But when a child dies you are powerless. You can't change it."
Horsley knows only too well. She says her training as a psychiatric nurse and therapist did not make it easier when her 17-year-old son died in a car wreck in 1983.
"When Scott died I watched myself go through the process kind of like a fly on the wall," she says. "I knew exactly what I was doing but couldn't stop myself."
Early on she experienced unbearable pain and shortness of breath and often caught herself looking for her son in a crowd. She also experienced guilt, consumed with thoughts that she could have somehow done something to change what happened.
PARENTS CAN RECOVER:
While she is impressed with the size of the Danish study, Horsley says she is troubled by the fact that there was no information about the parents' psychiatric history before the loss of a child. The researchers also failed to include information on how the children died, which can greatly influence a parent's mental state, she says we can't recover from the death of a child. He says the message is reinforced by erroneous statistics showing a very high rate of divorce among couples who lose a child. But...
"That is just not true," he says. "But the message is that this is something you can't get over. You certainly never forget, but you can move on."
Loder's life changed forever on the first day of spring in 1991 when he got the news that a motorcyclist had smashed into the car carrying his wife, Pat, his 8-year-old daughter, Stephanie, and his 5-year-old son, Stephen.
Although his wife was not badly injured, his two children died within hours of each other later that day.
In the blink of an eye Wayne and Pat Loder were transformed from the proud parents of two beautiful children to a grieving couple facing life alone.
"At the time I felt like we were the only people in the world that this had ever happened to," he says. "Intellectually, I knew this wasn't true, but you just feel so alone."
Several months later the couple found the support group Compassionate Friends for families who have lost children. Pat is now executive director for the organization and Wayne is the group's public awareness coordinator.
REMEMBERING THE CHILDREN:
Loder says knowing that there are other people who have been through what you have been through and survived can make a huge difference.
For both the Loders and Horsley, recovering involved not letting go of their dead children but finding functional ways to keep them in their lives.
For Horsley that means mentioning Scott at the beginning of all of her public speeches. For the Loders it means making Stephanie and Stephen part of the lives they now share with their young daughter and son who were born after the tragic car accident.
And each year during the holidays, Compassionate Friends has worldwide candle lighting for families that have lost children.
"This is one day during a very difficult time of year that we can devote to remembering the children we had and what they meant to us," Wayne Loder says. "And we know that there are tens of thousands of people around the world who will be doing the same thing."
https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/news/20050323/losing-child-increases-risk-of-mental-illness
In response to: Child Loss & MH
Unknown userMember
Re: Child Loss & MH
THE SHARP EDGE OF A SHORT LIFE:
A personal account:
Three years ago, I had no idea this month existed and now I live with the reality of loss. Having my son Thomas 18 months ago was the best thing that has happened to me in my 35 years on this planet. However, it doesn’t lift the grief that I have for losing his brother & ; While I know this is a popular topic this month among the loss moms, I’d like to address it myself as well since its a topic very close to my heart. These are the top 5 things I’ve learned in the last three years and thoughts or suggestions for those who love us.
(1) Time doesn’t heal anything & Grief is a pain that never goes away. It just feels …different. Having subsequent children doesn’t “make it all better” it just helps us get through the bad days by having a ray of sunshine to light our world. Anxiety can be through the roof for a long time, if not forever. If we sound like a crazy person, please don’t tell us we’re crazy. We know it already. We don’t need reassurance. Listen to us and our fears or worries and acknowledge we’re doing the best we can for our living children
(2) Anniversaries are the WORST!
Sometimes (in my case especially), events leading up to the baby’s death are tough as well. IE. Date you found out you were pregnant, first time you felt the baby move, whatever… Text/call/email/PM on Facebook if you know any of these milestones because we’re surely in a bad state of mind that day. Tell us you love us and you love our child and miss him/her too. It means a lot. Really… a lot. Sometimes we can be bitter. Do you really blame us for it though? We mean well but sometimes that forked tongue just shoots out. If we say something snarky please don’t think we hate you or your children because we don’t. Grief is evil sometimes and takes over you uncontrollably.
The loss community is one that no one willingly signs up for. None of us want to be a part of it, yet here we are. We’re living it, breathing it…. but surviving
by CP
A personal account:
Three years ago, I had no idea this month existed and now I live with the reality of loss. Having my son Thomas 18 months ago was the best thing that has happened to me in my 35 years on this planet. However, it doesn’t lift the grief that I have for losing his brother & ; While I know this is a popular topic this month among the loss moms, I’d like to address it myself as well since its a topic very close to my heart. These are the top 5 things I’ve learned in the last three years and thoughts or suggestions for those who love us.
(1) Time doesn’t heal anything & Grief is a pain that never goes away. It just feels …different. Having subsequent children doesn’t “make it all better” it just helps us get through the bad days by having a ray of sunshine to light our world. Anxiety can be through the roof for a long time, if not forever. If we sound like a crazy person, please don’t tell us we’re crazy. We know it already. We don’t need reassurance. Listen to us and our fears or worries and acknowledge we’re doing the best we can for our living children
(2) Anniversaries are the WORST!
Sometimes (in my case especially), events leading up to the baby’s death are tough as well. IE. Date you found out you were pregnant, first time you felt the baby move, whatever… Text/call/email/PM on Facebook if you know any of these milestones because we’re surely in a bad state of mind that day. Tell us you love us and you love our child and miss him/her too. It means a lot. Really… a lot. Sometimes we can be bitter. Do you really blame us for it though? We mean well but sometimes that forked tongue just shoots out. If we say something snarky please don’t think we hate you or your children because we don’t. Grief is evil sometimes and takes over you uncontrollably.
The loss community is one that no one willingly signs up for. None of us want to be a part of it, yet here we are. We’re living it, breathing it…. but surviving
by CP
In response to: Child Loss & MH
Unknown userMember
Re: Child Loss & MH
💜 💜. 💜.
It's my girl's 'would be' 20th on Sat. She died at 13. I've had trouble getting off the couch, the bed for days already. It hits me like that. SI is creeping back, but this time I'm not scared. Can't think through anything, I'm not all here.
Don't wanna be around people - nobody understands and I dont have the energy to perform for them.
Wish i had a caring mum. Never did, and now she's in & out of hospital with S4 cancer & massive weight loss - basically dying, and theres nothing i can do, its horrible and she's angry and scared and shutting me out...
Of cause she has nothing to give me, or anyone now. God's finally helping me see my inner child will never get it from mum now, that love I crave, no matter what i do to win favor, its time to surrender that wish too, let her be the way she wants. Its a living death really, very sad.
And my highly disfunctional siblings, they are not making the process easier. Eben they're oblivious to my grief feelings and my girls pending empty birthday.
It all adds up I guess and I have nobody here for me.
I'm finally learning the need for self care, without guilt.
Yesterday I eventually text back to my panicking siblings "I'm taking the week off" and shut off the phone.
I cant seem to get myself off the couch, or out of bed. Cancelled lunch out & a physio apt yesterday. Actually went and pulled the pin on all committments this next week. The boss wasn't impressed and luncheon ladies but how can I explain? They ask and then change the subject. To one person I actually said: "its a grief thing - you wouldn't understand" oopsy
I could overthink and beat myself up about 'being lazy' and all that criticism I've put up with for years, but maybe I just need to be still a while, process the grief, float away into a safe place in my heart, with my girl , my princess & God, just till it passes 💜
