Worry Room - Get it out, and walk away: No responses please

I feel like I am losing it again... or still. I don't know what day it is or what I'm doing. Basically my body has been sitting here but my mind is off somewhere else. But where? Every couple of hours I come to with a snap and then drift off again. I need to eat or at least drink some water. I think I'll take my meds and lay down for the night. There's no use crying over lost time and tomorrow is another day.

It’s too effing hard tonight. I just want to scream and let it end right now.

Hi @Eve7 ,

I'm feeling concerned about your post just now and just checking in. Are you able to reach out to a crisis service or to one of your preferred supports tonight for a chat? Would it be worth taking a break from the boards and possible to call Lifeline or SCBS, or reach out to one of their online chat services? It’s really important you get qualified help beyond a peer support service when these thoughts begin to come up for you. Myself and the community are here to support you and want you to be able to access the support you need to stay safe.

Hoping you are well and with you through this,

Otter

Hi Everyone,

Just letting you know Part Of (just a small part) Why I've not been present on Forums much lately - A small part of what's been happening.....

I’m doing a 3 day Traffic Management Course starting tomorrow (Monday).

Completing 13 hours of Pre- Traffic Management Online Inductions has kept in a state of exhaustion & overwhelm, over the past week or so.

That’s because I pushed so hard to get through (complete) – at DES’s insistence.

I virtually ran out of food & essential supplies – Yet had no energy left to go shopping for groceries.

Then there was (is) the 7 week Disability Job-Ready Course (Intake) starting Monday 11th of October (tomorrow) – In direct Conflict with my 3 day Traffic Management Course.

I have 12 year’s experience working in Disability Support – 12 year’s experience in Horticulture (Environmental Management Post-Grad).

Yet have not obtained on-going employment, since Covid Redundancy.

So I’ve now missed out on (had to decline) that Program.

I am also missing out on a Call Centre Job opportunity – because of being streamed into Traffic Management, by the DES.

I can only clearly decide (make a Somewhat Free Choice) – When one choice is Not in Conflict with Something else.

Otherwise I often Default to what came first – Or Agree with the Person who was Most Insistent.

That is what has happened in this Case.

There were several conflicting things, all at once.

I now feel in Conflict – However I proceed, or whatever I do.

However – Traffic Management, Here we Go (fingers Crossed)….

Adge

The pressure has never stopped.

Yesterday's (Friday’s) all-day Job face to face Induction was not cancelled, despite my failing Traffic Management Prac on Wednesday (11.15am).

No Job offer without the Traffic Management Qualification (having failed) - So there was no point, what was the point?

The DES Jobsearch Provider pushed me through another 4 hours of Online Inductions on Thursday night (3.30-7.15pm), the next day after failing the Prac – Which she said I must do, before the Job Induction, on Friday morning (yesterday)

Prac is Re-Booked for Wednesday next week, – 40Km drive away 8.00am start.

I cannot do any of this.

I don’t think I can function or survive standing on Job for a 12 hour shift – Even if I do Pass a 2nd Prac & Do get the job.

Adge

I’m sorry, feels like I’m letting everyone down – Major internal conflict.

I don’t know the way forward – Maybe could/ should have said No to this Traffic Management training – Which is the only opportunity that I have been presented with (offered).

Damned if I Do, Damned if I Don’t – Seems like a No-Win Situation (for me).

I have had trouble feeling effective – to function for 6 hour shifts, when I was Disability Support Worker.

Traffic Management Job -

Average Work Shift Length 10 to 12 hours (they said) – From the info given during yesterday's (Friday) induction.

Up to 16 hours, Maximum Work Shift Length (1 Work Shift) - Is that Legal?

It’s a Dangerous job, dealing with hours of moving traffic – Standing & directing continuously.

No access to toilets (the entire shift) – I’m expected to somehow find toilets (at beginning & end of shift) myself.

When I have chronic bowel conditions - After having a total bowel obststruction, & 4 major bowel surgeries (5 in total).

Use some App (I don’t know of) to find Public toilets – They said.

Now I’m potentially letting everyone down (DES Jobsearch Povider + Job Company + myself), including myself.

I don’t think I can effectively do that job – Not 10 hour shifts, anyway.

Adge

I feel so broken and bad, that there is nothing left anymore that is ok. over years i have been given all the opportunities that there can be for someone like me and ive failed at everyone of them to be ok. im scared that will always be this hard and accepting that i have a depression that will never lift. that working on tiny steps is never going to change the big things that make life so hard, that i will always be alone. there is noone that knows or cares and facing another end of year with so many changes and unknowns and problems again is more than i can deal with again. knowing that psychiatrist has 'given up' but that its ok because there is a base level of functioning and that there are no options to change any thing left without worse consequences and everything feels so much more hopeless. i keep trying to foccus on the day to day and the present and being mindful but everything is still the same and worse and worse last few weeks. even lifeline are too busy for their chat service and its all there is to reach out to.

Hey @Millieme ,

I know we don't usually respond in these threads but I just wanted to acknowledge the hopelessness and fear you're feeling. Depression brought a lot of challenges to my life too and I can understand how overwhelming, tiring and scary it can be to work through it and see little change. I'm here with you

I also just wanted to let you know that SANE has a webchat service with peer support workers and with counsellors if you would like extra support today.

Every day I try.

Every day I fail.