Worry Room - Get it out, and walk away: No responses please

I realised why I don't feel like doing anything today - didn't get enough sleep. It's surprising how much it has affected me cause I didn't think it was that bad.

Sending you lots of understanding hugs my sister xoxo, @outlander , it is hard , soo sitting with you

Thanks for your thoughts & support.

No, there have been no other or better options (Re: Jobs) - So no improvement in the situation.

It's actually costing & losing me a lot of $$ to do that driving (unpaid), to work there.

More hours would mean higher costs - A No-Win Situation (not workable).

The only Update is that since informing them that the Amount of Driving (400Km in one week/ 100Km per day) was Not Sustainable, especially my not being paid any $ for my Kms -

- My Shifts & Working Hours have been cut.

- I've lost all of my Supposedly On-Going Shifts/ Clients.

- I've been Reduced to 6 hours work, for all of next week.

Adge

Things are becoming a little clearer about the upper place. Guess this post is not really a worry one. But more one of thankfulness. The upper place is like a special home. A home where I sensed I belonged. The heaviness I felt, the sadness I felt, the despair I had. The aloneness I felt. The fear that I felt and have had so deep within me for many years. I was free from it whilst I was in that special home. Bitterness was no more. That is what Jesus died for. He died for me. He chose to hang on that cross, He chose to bear all those awful and hellish things that I feel . He chose to carry them as He hung there. He must have felt so very heavy. He did all that because He actually loves me and does not want me to carry it anymore. He doesn't want me to have the despair, the fear, the anguish and all the things that seem like I am existing in hell itself. He died so I could be free of them. The freedom is the sensation and knowing of being in the upper place. Like I mentioned before, I only had a glimpse into the place. Properly would have been 10 minutes or so. It was enough to know that that is where I want to dwell. Life is there. Not being there is only existing. So now I desire for anyone reading this and anyone else that feels stuck in this awful depression, anxiety, sadness, aloneness, yuckness, heaviness, to not have to be in it no longer. You can be free from it. There is indeed a way out. Jesus himself. He died for me and you so we could all live in the upper place. We don't have to manage the symptoms from mental illness, we get be set free from them.

Even as I write this things are becoming clearer. He loves us the mighty creater God himself who actually is Jesus.

I am hoping things will become even more clearer me.

I am sitting on something sharp and pointy. Ready to jump off and sink into a pit of nothing. So tired, so tired .....my meds are poisoning me .... I remember a dream that I had all in black and white situated in a old delapidated house of me tied up on a chair with mottled skin obviously dead for days. That is my reality. I am dead. Still being forced to take these wretched pills which make me so sick.... so trapped by my illness. When will my dead man save me.

Even though I wrote all that I wrote about the upper place etc. And I know without any doubt it was the truth. I am still only left with my memory of that clear glimpse and actually living there for such a short time. And maybe since then just a fuzzy outline at times, and a darkish blindness the other times. One such darkish time was earlier on today. The pain I felt ,the fear I felt, the sadness I felt and the hopelessness I felt. As well as a dreaded heaviness pushing me further and further away from the upper. Wish I could explain it better. And I still think I am missing some important understanding. So stuck here

Things are no clearer. Only feels like I am existing. I can feel the bitterness in me. Pegging me down. So very sick of him hurting me..Weary and tired. Wish I could understand things.