Worry Room - Get it out, and walk away: No responses please

So I had my pdoc appointment yesterday and he suggested maintenance ECT. That would mean another 2 weeks in hospital. Spoke to H and he was pissed. Said that he and the kids don't cope well when I am in hospital. Well that made me feel great didn't it. Does that mean I have to pick between my mh and my family. It's not like I like going into hospital or enjoy it, I don't.

I know what effect it has on my family. I was trying to be honest with H and tell him but all he did was get really peeved off. He was annoyed that I didn't ask all these questions he had. I had to explain to him that I am not like him, my brain doesn't work the same as his, I don't think of the questions he does, I guess I trust what the pdoc says.

I thought today would be easier, that he would have calmed down a bit but he hasn't.

So now I just blame myself. Its my fault I have this mi, its my fault I need maintenance ECT, it my fault it effects my family this much. Maybe I just need to disappear, maybe I just need to go so they don't have to go through this anymore.

Things are just too hard.

Hey @Snowie

I feel for you. It's so hard when in hospital and the rest of the family have to pick up the pieces and do everything. Yoiur're right though our brains work differrent to people that don't have MI. I know Im very differrent to hubby and the kids.

Pls don't blame yourself, you're in hospittal for a reason. Stay as long as you can, your hubby/partner will have to cope. its for your best interest andn health. It wouldn't be good if you left now and didn't get the treatment you need.

and it's not your fault you have a MI.

I really feel for you, pls take care,

hugs xxx

My Aircon tripped the RCD, cutting all power to the house (yesterday afternoon).

Now I cannot use it at all, even though it was/ is running fine.

Electrician charged $500 to replace one light & one powerpoint – Yikes!

He would not open up or check Aircon, to repair – Which was the main (most urgent) reason, for calling (booking) an Electrician.

He said I need to Replace the Aircon/ get a new one.

All my Aircon contacts (several businesses) have had their contact phone numbers Disconnected – perhaps they have shut-down, closed business.

I finally got in contact with one Aircon place which did not have a Disconnected phone number – they don’t want my business, even though they do have Box Aircons in stock.

They would get an instant $700 or more for a replacement Aircon – Yet they said “We will get back to you sometime, in about a week”.

The Neurologist – Referral for my 3 numb fingers (nerve damage), will not take Bookings until February 2021 next year (they said on telephone).

Oh my…..

Wow, it comes all at once…

Adge

absolutely freaking out

start a new job tomorrow...

anxiety on hyperdrive

want to cry

want to run away

want to hide

i dont think i can do it

very scared

cant function

have been eaten whole by depression. cant feel anything at all other than dread and something i cant describe. its not sad, its beyond that to something else more numb and less reactive, its hopelessness of anything ever being ok but its inexpressable and takes all the energy i have before there i even have a chance to have energy. Theres no one to tell anymore and noone seems to be able to understand how hard it is either. Life circumstances get harder and harder. Everything getting taken away bit by bit and there's supposed to be some control that i should have over it but its beyond me. there's no solutions or future it just gets harder. the more i try to be ok and function the worse things get. just feel done.

The past few days have been very stressful - Waiting for the 2nd day in row, for an Aircon Tech to come to inspect my (non-functioning) Aircon, to give me a quote on a new one.

He never turned up.

Then I've gone & said Yes to a Job Offer (only my 2nd Interview in 6 months) - That I physically cannot do.

When I needed to say No....

I know very well that it's very stressful (for me), that the distance driving for work is unmanageable - & that this type of work (field) has caused injuries & serious wear & tear to my body.

I just cannot make a clear or positive choice in this situation, when stressed.

My overwhelm worsened, brain freeze & dissociation (with heightened anxiety) – for the rest of today.

Tried to Ground myself with great effort (over several hours), not successfully.

Adge

@Anastasia I iknow you dont want a reply but I just had to say that I want to runaway too.I have thought about how I could go about it ...... in the early hours of the morning I could get dressed and just walk out that front door. No note left just go.... go llive feral maybe ...... start over in another country maybe. Just disappear. Then I realise how much my children need me and the invisible barriers of my own mind come up again. I am stuck. I am struck. I am not brave enough. My evil mental illness keeps me trapped. My medications keep be trapped. I am in a castle with the draw bridge up. I am not going anywhere .....

Hugs @Bunniekins xxxooo

@Anastasia xxxooo