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When will it stop

Unknown userMember27 Sept 2015, 1:06 am AEST

When will it stop

Yesterday I took a big step and saw a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with bipolar. It didn't really hit me and I was like oh well what ever. Today though it has sunken in. Today I feel defective like I'm not a normal human. Like I'm not good enough as others! I feel angry that I got it! I feel ashamed that I got it! The doctor is already talking medication but to be honest I think what's the point. I'm tiered of fighting for a normal healthy life! I don't want to have to take a tablet to feel normal. For once I just want something to be easy. I want to be like everyone else. Normal! I came from a very abusive family and every day I fight to live a life with standards and a lifestyle that is normal and I just think what's the point? I'm obviously not meant to be anything great but just a mess like my whole family. So to cope with the day I've turned to my favourite self harm and pain killers. I feel like such a low life loser. Has anyone else felt like this?

27 replies

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In response to: When will it stop

AppleblossomSenior Contributor27 Sept 2015, 1:13 am AEST

Re: When will it stop

Welcome @Former-Member. I love my 2 cats.

Probably lots of us have felt the same.

I am bit ambivalent about the pills we have to take to fit in and the things we are not allowed to take ...

I always try to talk people out of SH tho ...

In response to: When will it stop

Fancy_PantsSenior Contributor27 Sept 2015, 1:53 pm AEST

Re: When will it stop

Welcome to the forums @Former-Member

it sounds like going to the psychiatrist was something that you have been putting off for a while, so to go and to be so honest with him would have been really difficult and taken a lot of strenght.. you even said it was a "big step" so give yourself some slack and praise!

did you have an idea that he might describe your symptoms as bipolar? although it sounds like it feels very stigmatisng could there be any benefit to it?

i can hear a fraction of how much this effected you yesterday, its a lot of information and push for descisions all at once. I was sad to hear that that was the only way that you had to manage... hopefully you reaching out in this forum can be the start of giving you other options and ways to manage in the future.

there are a number of people on here that have discussed bipolar like here and here, I wonder if anyone has any thoughts? or advice?? @Akash75 @Tight-Control @ROC @kristin

there is also threads about looking after yourself...

Take care

Fancy_Pants

In response to: When will it stop

Unknown userMember28 Sept 2015, 3:20 pm AEST

Re: When will it stop

@Fancy_Pants Thank You for the invite.

Yes it was a long time coming going to see someone. It's hard for me to be honest with people as I like to display my self in a good light. But I keep telling my self I'm paying a fortune to see one and it's for my best interest. I think the more I see him to more safer I will to open up.

I had a feeling that it was just not normal deppresion for a while. My moods are just to erratic and I can go from screaming in white rage to laughing in a minuet then sitting sad in pain for hours.

I hope coming on here will distract me when I'm feeling overwhelmed and having the urge to harm myself. I find writing out my emotions can sometimes help but then sometimes I can read them and just think oh man I am just pure rubbish and get in a worse state.

In response to: Re: When will it stop

EagleSenior Contributor28 Sept 2015, 3:45 pm AEST

Re: When will it stop

Hi @Former-Member - Welcome to the Forums!

I felt like I had to jump in because @Gypsyrose was just diagnosed with Bipolar aswell. You can find the discussion here.

There is a great discussion about whether having a diagnosis helps or not, as you can imagine, some have split views on this. It seems like some people find it helpful at times, and not at other times! So it's really varied. The discussion is here if you're interested.

Welcome again 🙂

In response to: Re: When will it stop

BabooSenior Contributor28 Sept 2015, 5:53 pm AEST

Re: When will it stop

Hey there Loulathecat,

That strategy sounds really good with writing out your emotions, i use to write twisted creepy songs or stories when i was younger and then draw the characters to go with them- then colour them all in with pretty bright colours. What else do you do to help distract you ? Hows your eating and exercise?

Baboo

In response to: Re: When will it stop

AppleblossomSenior Contributor28 Sept 2015, 5:56 pm AEST

Re: When will it stop

Love the crazy image of the disconnect between bright colours illustrating creepy songs ... I guess it got you to look at what came out of you and "work" with it.

cheers @Baboo

In response to: When will it stop

Unknown userMember28 Sept 2015, 6:02 pm AEST

Re: When will it stop

@Baboo
I love to draw as well. I'm obsessed with traditional style pinup tattooing so I've been doing that a lot of that. But I get a bit hard on myself when I can't draw something right.

I love going to the galleries and just staring at pieces of art. I find when I surrond myself with beauty I start to breath a little bit. I haven't been able to socials with my friends in nearly a year so the galleries, theatres and ballet has become my bestfriend.

My eating is strange. When I'm down I just eat a bag of chocolate and chips and some fizzy drink but then the next day I can eat really healthy.

I read exercising is meant to be really good for you so I've been running and squats. I'm up to 300 squats a day and running up to 8k but it does not at all make me happy. It actually makes me feel really angry then sad. But my figure is loving me.

In response to: Re: When will it stop

AppleblossomSenior Contributor28 Sept 2015, 6:08 pm AEST

Re: When will it stop

It sounds as if you are doing all the things that are good for you .. not obssessing about health but averaging out in the healthy range.

I found your comment about exercise interesting .. when I exercised vigorously for 7 years .. I felt similarly ... maybe its just the whole limbic system gets engaged ... more probably research needed. .. been lazy lately .. but also been reflecting on what is best for me

cheers @Former-Member

In response to: Re: When will it stop

BabooSenior Contributor28 Sept 2015, 6:19 pm AEST

Re: When will it stop

i think getting any thing out of your head can be a good thing 🙂 i was an artist for a very long time- and now i have turned to healthy eating and exercise to level me out when im feeling a bit yucky. Ive done two paintings in the last year, some times i have a big break from it.

Has any one tried yoga? If hard running makes you cranky maybe you could try swimming or yoga instead ?

In response to: When will it stop

Unknown userMember28 Sept 2015, 6:36 pm AEST

Re: When will it stop

Thats cool your an artist. I was thinking of doing yoga but when I still my self my thoughts sink in and that is not pretty so I'm thinking of taking up hip hop dancing.

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